PATRIOTS, Senator Ron Johnson of the GOP (GOVERNMENT OVERTHROW PARTY) has a message for all the STUPID, IDIOT LEFTISTS who GOT TRIGGERED by the thousands of armed Trump supporters who invaded the U.S. Capitol on January 6th chanting “Hang Pence!” and looking for members of Congress to kill. NONE OF THAT HAPPENED, YOU LYING LEFTIST LIBS!
PATRIOTS, nevermind the pictures, the videos, and the confessions made by the participants. Nevermind that thousands of people in TRUMP attire stormed the capitol and attempted to overthrow the government. Nevermind the bombs planted at party headquarters that day, and the dead body of the police officer that the TRUMP supporters murdered. THAT’S ALL JUST LAMESTREAM, LIBTARD SPIN! The SIMPLE FACT OF THE MATTER is that this insurrection was actually a NOT-SURRECTION, because contrary to what the LIBERAL, LEFTIST SCUM called cameras and microphones tell your eyes and ears, it didn’t even happen.
RON JOHNSON’S COMING IN HOT with a heat-seeking truth-bomb for all the SCUM OF THE EARTH who want “reality” to be based on “facts,” “sworn confessions,” and “visual evidence.” That message: just SHUT THE F*** UP, FORGET WHAT YOU SAW, AND GET IN LINE WITH THE PARTY LINE!
“This didn’t seem like an armed insurrection to me.”SEN. RON JOHNSON (R-WI)
What is wrong with all these dumb libs who want to insist that there was an armed insurrection at the Capitol? I didn’t see any armed insurrection at the Capitol! No one did! And if anyone tries to say they did, TRUMPERS WILL BURN THAT MOTHERF***ING CAPITOL TO THE GROUND WITH THEIR FLAMETHROWERS! Not armed!
So here’s what me and RUSSIA RON have to say to all you fact-hugging LIB-SCUM-O-CRATS! Learn how to minimize and justify terrorist attacks against your country! Otherwise, you might never reach your political goals! JUST MAN THE F*** UP AND HATE YOUR COUNTRY, YOU SICK, STUPID LIBS!
And you know why me and RUSSIAN RON are not scared of that FAKE “armed insurrection,” libs? Because that armed insurrection was there to kill YOU, not US! And we are sure it will never come for us, because we’ll never stop defending its murderous participants, no matter how badly they try to harm America!
RUSSIAN RON wasn’t done, libs!
“I mean ‘armed,’ when you hear ‘armed,’ don’t you think of firearms? Here’s the questions I would have liked to ask. How many firearms were confiscated? How many shots were fired? I’m only aware of one and I’ll defend that law enforcement officer for taking that shot. It was a tragedy, OK? But I think there was only one.”Sen. Ron Johnson (R-WI)
Firearms? FIREARMS!?!?! I mean… my gosh. What are these STUPID LIBS even talking about?
Just because police recovered a dozen guns and thousands of rounds of ammunition from people arrested for their involvement in the Jan. 6 attack that killed five people, according to NBC News, and just because the insurrectionists used a stun gun to attack and incapacitate a police officer, giving him a heart attack, THAT DOESN’T MEAN THEY WERE ARMED, YOU STUPID, STUPID LIBS! THEY WEREN’T ARMED! GET IT THROUGH YOUR THICK SKULL! STOP INFRINGING ON MY RIGHTS! I DON’T WANT THE LIBERAL TRUTH YOU’RE SPINNING! TUCKER! HANNITY! JUDGE JEANINE! HELP! HELP! HELP! THE LIB IS ON ME! GET IT OFF!
Russian Ron Johnson doesn’t care about your precious “country,” libs! Russian Ron follows the teachings of the FOUNDERS, you know, the guys who set the example for this GREAT COUNTRY, that, sometimes, patriots have to try to destroy! Now, STUPID LIBS might tell you the founders were people like George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, etc. WRONG! You know who founded this country? TRUMP! How do I know? Because, I learned from TRUMP that I don’t need my STUPID, LIBERAL BRAIN! All the learning I need is in my mouth! When my mouth speaks, I listen! My mouth asked who founded America, and my mouth also answers every question with the same answer: TRUMP!
Where does my mouth get it’s information from? I don’t know! I don’t ask dumb questions! My mouth said Trump is the founder, so I believe it! Russian Ron gets his facts from the same place, except at the other end of the pipe! My mouth calls it his “reverse mouth.”
LIBS CALL IT HIS ASS!
WE DON’T NEED OUR LYIN’ BRAINS ANYMORE LIBS! There was no armed insurrection! There was no incitement! There was no crime at all! Are me and Russian Ron Johnson INSANE?
DOESN’T “SEEM” LIKE IT TO ME!
PATRIOTS, there’s nothing I hate more than a RIGGED SYSTEM! That’s why I supported TRUMP supporters’ PATRIOTIC efforts to overthrow the government and end democracy. Because the system was rigged! The election was rigged against TRUMP! Democrats are trying to impeach TRUMP because they don’t understand that RIGGED THINGS ARE BAD! TRUMP IS GOOD! And that’s why I totally support the GOP’S effort to RIG the impeachment trial FOR TRUMP!
You see, RIGGING is BAD, unless you’re RIGGING FOR TRUMP! That’s just being fair!
So, let us RIG THIS F***ING SYSTEM LIKE IT’S NEVER BEEN RIGGED BEFORE! TO STOP THE STEAL!
TO STEAL THE STOPPING OF THE STEAL!
And 3 Republican Senators are doing their PATRIOTIC AMERICAN part to rig the case of TRUMP v. AMERICA in favor of Trump and against America. These three SENATE HEROES are going to serve as the jurors who will deliver a verdict in this impeachment case, and while many of them did not have precious time to listen to the EVIL, factual arguments made against TRUMP by the prosecution in this case, these IMPARTIAL, PATRIOTIC JURORS did have time for a 70 MINUTE LONG MEETING WITH THE TRUMP DEFENSE LAWYERS to discuss “‘sharing our thoughts’ about their legal strategy,” CNN reports.
Sens. Lindsey Graham of South Carolina, Ted Cruz of Texas and Mike Lee of Utah were spotted going into a room in the US Capitol that Trump’s lawyers were using to prepare for their arguments.
Trump lawyer David Schoen said that the senators were “very friendly guys” who just wanted to make sure they were “familiar with procedure” on the eve of their rebuttal to the House impeachment managers’ presentation.
When asked if it’s appropriate to meet with senators during the trial, Schoen said, “Oh yeah, I think that’s the practice of impeachment.”
“There’s nothing about this thing that has any semblance of due process whatsoever,” he added.CNN (CLINTON (FAKE) NEWS NETWORK)
Yes, there’s “no semblance of due process whatsoever” in this trial, AND THAT’S JUST HOW REPUBLICANS LIKE IT, because that’s the only way that the president who incited a mob to try to kill the Vice President and Speaker of the House WILL GET AWAY WITH HIS CRIMES!
GOP, WE LOVE CRIMES! And, we also love a jury that will VOLUNTARILY TAMPER WITH ITSELF! Now that’s what I call integrity. These CONSERVATIVE HEROES have so much f***ing integrity that they willingly go on TV and tell the American people that the entire trial of TRUMP is a TOTAL SHAM because the Republican senators on the jury are also HELPING THE DEFENSE strategize on how to get away with its crimes. That’s even more astonishing, because the crime the defense is accused of is LITERALLY TRYING TO MURDER the jury! Dang!
That’s some next level BOOTLICKING!
I hope Trump rewards these ASS-KISSERS with another attempt to incite a riot against them! They deserve it!
And you know it was a PERFECTLY INNOCENT meeting between a guilty defendant’s legal team and the JURORS that they need to help them PATRIOTICALLY RIG the case, because just look how eager Senator Lindsey Graham is to share what was discussed in this perfectly SANE and RIGHT meeting that he participated in with the TRUMP LAWYERS!
Just LOOK AT THE SPEED at which he ran from those questions! EVERYTHING’S ON THE UP AND UP HERE! NOTHING TO SEE!
Now, of course, SOME STUPID LIBS were TRIGGERED by Republican Senators’ total refusal to protect their own branch of government from a violent, anti-democratic attack, but that’s just because LIBS, like all EVIL LEFTISTS are STUPID!
Sorry, LEFTISTS, but you’re STUPID. Does the jury agree?
Case closed, LIBS!
But, just in case that doesn’t sway your little PEA BRAINS, here’s some straight shootin’ from ol’ TEXAS LYIN’ TED! He’s rustlin’ up some facts for FAKE NEWS CNN!
When asked if he’s now comfortable with the Trump team’s legal strategy, Cruz said, “I think the end result of this impeachment trial is crystal clear to everybody.”
“Donald Trump will be acquitted,” he added. “It takes 67 votes to convict him and every person in the Senate chamber understands that there are not the votes to convict, nor should there be.”(FAKE FALSE STUPID LAME) CNN
“And if there’s one thing that could change anyone’s mind, it’s LITERALLY ANY OF THE EVIDENCE,” Lyin’ Ted (probably) added, “which is why I’m going to go in a room and shove my huge, potato-shaped head right up TRUMP’S ass for the next 70 minutes to make sure I don’t hear any of it.”
THANKS FOR DEFENDING THE CONSTITUTION, LYIN’ TED, LINDSEY GRAHAM, AND MIKE LEE! You three stand for nothing, just the way TRUMP likes it!
PATRIOTS, around here, we BACK THE BLUE always and forever, 110,000%, unless we’re trying to storm the Capitol Building and they won’t join our coup! So, that’s why I’M BACKING the HERO officers of the Rochester, New York police who STARED DOWN A DANGEROUS THREAT TO FREEDOM and came out VICTORIOUS! They HANDCUFFED and PEPPER SPRAYED this MENACE! This meanace? A 9-year-old girl! And PATRIOTS, we all know, there’s nothing more dangerous than an UNRESTRAINED CHILD!
The incident happened when officers responded to a family disturbance call. THE FAKE NEW YORK TIMES has the TRUE DETAILS.
During the incident, which occurred Friday afternoon, officers restrained the girl, pushing her into the snow in order to handcuff her, while she screamed repeatedly for her father, the footage showed.
At one point, an officer said, “You’re acting like a child.” She responded, “I am a child.”
When she refused to sit inside a police car, an officer pepper-sprayed her.FAKE NEWS NEW YORK TIMES
Here’s the video. Judge for yourself (unless you’re going to judge that this PEPPER SPRAYING was excessive, in which case keep your opinions to yourself and DON’T CANCEL MINE!).
PATRIOTS, we CONSERVATIVES can’t spend everyday whining about how a small percentage of our TERRORIST FRIENDS who stormed the capitol are being unjustly arrested by the police for committing crimes and then posting about it on social media. NOT WHILE DANGEROUS 9-YEAR-OLDS are terrorizing our streets and the POLICE are helpless to stop them. PEPPER SPRAY? Where were this police department’s HUMVEES, Armored Personnel Carriers and bazookas? These officers could have been seriously injured!!!
But while this 9-YEAR-OLD was clearly committing the CRIME of “acting like a child,” there are some LEFTISTS who are opposed to this violence against children! I CALL THEM COMMIES! ANTIFA! ANTIFA!
Luckily, the Rochester police union chief pushed back against this FAKE NEWS MEDIA NARRATIVE!
“”Had they had to go and push further, and use more force, there’s a good chance she could have been hurt worse. It’s very, very difficult to get somebody into the back of a police car like that. And she’s 9 years old. Imagine what happens when we have a full grown individual.”Mike Mazzeo, president of the Rochester Police Locust Club
Yes, had the POLICE not pepper sprayed this defenseless 9-year-old, they MIGHT HAVE HAD TO HURT HER WORSE! They might have had to shoot her! If anything, these officers are HEROES! What they did practically SAVED HER LIFE!
And it’s not the first life saved by the Rochester police.
The incident has brought renewed scrutiny to the Rochester Police Department, months after the city was roiled by the disclosure that Daniel Prude, a Black man, suffocated to death last year after Rochester police officers had placed him in a hood.
The handling of Mr. Prude’s death prompted the city’s mayor to abruptly fire the police chief in September, and the department faced accusations of a cover-up after it was revealed that officers had characterized Mr. Prude’s death as the result of a drug overdose.
In Mr. Prude’s case, the body-camera footage was released six months after his death, only after his family had sued the city. Officials at the time of the death sought repeatedly to hide the videos from the public to prevent damaging fallout, according to city documents released last year.FAKE NEWS NEW YORK TIMES
Okay, not the best example, but it just goes to show, if the police didn’t pepper spray this child, they might have had to do WORSE! What do you want these cops to do, protect and serve? LOSER!
PATRIOTS, I’m no anti-semite, but I certainly think it’s fair game to ask whether ALL of the problems currently troubling our GREAT COUNTRY and our GREAT REPUBLICAN PARTY can be blamed on a SECRET JEWISH SPACE LASER. It’s not SO CRAZY if you DON’T think about it! This question isn’t just being asked by WINGNUTS like myself, but FULL-FLEDGED lawmakers in the Republican Party, like Marjorie Taylor Greene, easily the most PATRIOTIC AMERICAN PATRIOT since Dennis Rodman!
Representative Trailer Queen–I mean Taylor Greene–has SET A NEW BAR for WILDLY OFFENSIVE CONSPIRACY THEORIES since getting elected to the People’s House on a PERFECTLY SANE GOP platform of QAnon conspiracy fearmongering, like stopping Democrats from allegedly harvesting the organs of children in Satanic rituals, something that was obviously TOTALLY REAL and near-and-dear to the hearts of her PERFECTLY SANE constituents in Georgia (what the HELL is up with that state electing two Democrats to the Senate and Greene to the House?!?!). But that’s just the tip of the iceberg for this WOMAN OF GOD AND AMERICA! Greene believes ALL SCHOOL SHOOTINGS are staged hoaxes, 9/11 was an inside job by the U.S. government, Muslims shouldn’t be allowed to serve in government, and Democrats should be executed. ALL THINGS THAT MAKE TOTAL SENSE IF YOU NEVER THINK ABOUT THEM, AND YOU ARE ALSO TOTALLY INSANE. (Which is why Trump supporters loved her!) BUT PATRIOTS, ALL OF THAT WAS JUST THE WARMUP ACT!
For JEWISH SPACE LASER!
PATRIOTS, there is no comedic set up that can make this report by New York Magazine any funnier, or more terrifying, than it already is:
The most recent Greene view to be unearthed comes via Eric Hananoki. Just over two years ago, Greene suggested in a Facebook post that wildfires in California were not natural. Forests don’t just catch fire, you know. Rather, the blazes had been started by PG&E, in conjunction with the Rothschilds, using a space laser, in order to clear room for a high-speed rail project. Here is Greene’s entire post, via Media Matters:
Did you get all that? No? Neither did I. Really, it’s one of the most PATRIOTICALLY INSANE things ever written by a member of Congress. In fact, while we can debate the legal grounds for expulsion from the House of Representatives, which many Dems have called for, there can really be NO DEBATE that these views rise to the level of making Marjorie Taylor Greene an EXTREME DANGER to the AMERICAN PEOPLE! She certainly, has no BUSINESS BEING IN CONGRESS! She needs to be in a MENTAL HOSPITAL!
WHICH IS WHY I SUPPORT HER!
You see, as a TRUMP SUPPORTER, like GameStop stock, my entire connection with facts & reality has been COMPLETELY severed. I no longer live on this plane of existence. I am purely what I and others imagine myself to be! In the FANTASY WORLD I inhabit, again, as an avowed TRUMP SUPPORTER, all of the PROVABLY FALSE things Marjorie Taylor Greene has said are true! TRUE, BECAUSE THEY ARE FALSE, you see! It doesn’t have to make sense, it just has to keep reinforcing the INFINITE FEEDBACK loop of the Republican Party, like buying a stock makes a stock a good buy! CAPITALISM! If everything Trump and the GOP do is good, then everything bad is good; and, if everything bad is good, everything false must also be true! Then, in this ALTERNATE REALITY OF TRUMP AND GOP ALTERNATIVE FACTS, Marjorie Taylor Greene is not the greatest threat to America, she is our greatest asset. We are no longer bound by the constraints of TRUTH in OUR PARTY, and in OUR COUNTRY, sir! WE ARE THE JEWISH SPACE LASER OF POLITICAL PARTIES! RACIST, ANTI-SEMITIC, ONLY MAKING SENSE INSIDE OUR OWN MINDS, AND THE GREATEST THREAT TO THE PLANET EARTH IN EXISTENCE! WE ARE PATRIOTS!
And, Republican House Leader Kevin McCarthy feels the same way. He’s not listening to those stupid Democrats who think Marjorie Taylor Greene is a threat, just because she is threatening our country and her fellow members of Congress. McCarthy knows that Marjorie Taylor Greene IS THE GOP! AND, WE COULD LEARN A THING OR TWO FROM HER INSANITY. That’s why the GOP PUT HER ON THE EDUCATION COMMITTEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (ARE YOU F***ING KIDDING ME? THIS CAN’T BE REAL LIFE! IS IT? ARE YOU SURE? DID I GET HIT IN THE HEAD!?!?!?! THE EDUCATION COMMITTEE?!?!?!)
CRAZY NANCY had a typically crazy response to this TOTALLY SANE MOVE by the GOP to put the school shooting truther on the education committee!
“Assigning her to the Education Committee when she has mocked the killing of little children at Sandy Hook Elementary School, when she has mocked the killing of teenagers in high school at the Marjory Stoneman Douglas high school — what could they be thinking? Or is thinking too generous a word for what they might be doing?”‘CRAZY’ Nancy Pelosi
Very generous, Nancy!
And, THE GOP totally knew Marjorie Taylor Greene was TOTALLY CRAZY a long time ago, but Kevin McCarthy, “did little to stop her,” Axios reports. According to Greene’s LOSER primary opponent John Cowan, LOSER, “Everybody was well aware of her previous persona and who she is. I would say they all knew she was going to be a problem… Maybe they just assumed that the awe of winning an election would calm her down a little bit, and so she would actually be interested in governing and be interested in policy, and she’s just clearly not. She is literally there for a stage production.”
HEY JOHN, YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY, CRAZY TALKS AND SANITY WALKS IN THE GOP! SO WHY ARE YOU IN IT?
But CoMpLeTe SaNiTy talks, too. Because Republican Leader Kevin McCarthy has a solution to Marjorie Taylor Greene’s “deeply disturbing” and PATRIOTIC belief that everything she can see with her eyes is FAKE, Democrats need to be SHOT, and JEWISH SPACE LASERS are real.
“These comments are deeply disturbing and Leader McCarthy plans to have a conversation with the Congresswoman about them,” spokesman Mark Bednar told CNN.CNN (Clinton News Network)
CONVERSATION! Right. I’m sure that’ll fix everything, because everyone knows when you run into a CRAZY TRUMP SUPPORTER, a good, fact based conversation usually changes their mind.
PATRIOTS, in the last 24 hours I’ve gone from KNOWING ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about the stock market to BEING A CERTIFIED EXPERT (certified by myself and Trump University only) and in that time, I’ve come to really ROOT FOR these people who are manipulating the market. No, I’m not talking about the REGULAR PEOPLE who wisely exploited the greed of the wealthy hedge fund managers to make about $5 billion dollars in the last few days. I’m talking about the LITTLE GUY, the hedge fund manager, the greedy, Wall Street corporate raider who everyday puts billions of dollars of other people’s money ON THE LINE, just so he can come home to put food on the table for his family on their yacht! Well, today, THE LITTLE GUYS FINALLY WON! They took THEIR BLOODMONEY back from the REGULAR PEOPLE who STOLE IT FAIR AND SQUARE.
You see, recently, the Robinhood stock trading app allowed millions of ordinary people to outsmart the wealthy, powerful FAT CATS of Wall Street by buying up stocks that the FAT CATS had irresponsibly and possibly illegally shorted (a complicated term that’s too complicated for you, peasants). The FAT CATS reportedly LOST $5 billion dollars. Yep, they really had those FAT CATS over a barrel… until today, when the FAT CATS were bailed out by some apparently illegal HEROICS by… yep, you guessed it, Robinhood! Robinhood said they were going to STOP SELLING CERTAIN STOCKS, which is a totally NORMAL thing for a brokerage to do, DEFINITELY NOT (NOT) ILLEGAL, and they just happened to stop selling all the SAME STOCKS that regular people were making a lot of money off of. And wouldn’t you know it, Robinhood is actually RUN BY THE FAT CATS!
In the process, AVERAGE JOE GREEDYPACK lost everything he’d earned fair and square, LIKE A COMMUNIST!
Turns out, when you make too much money on Wall Street but you live on Main Street, your own stock broker who claims to be on your side will step in and say, “Hey man, you’re making too much money, so for your own protection, I’m going to turn off your money hose and give some of your money back to the rich people that had it yesterday!” As a CONSERVATIVE PATRIOT, I couldn’t be HAPPIER ABOUT THIS!
You see, over the last FOUR years, I’ve come to fully support and endorse FASCISM, and I’m proud to say, that’s what this appears to be. FASCISM! PATRIOTIC AND UNILATERAL! And, why wouldn’t we have expected TRADING OF VALUABLE STOCKS TO BE UNILATERALLY STOPPED by the firm whose motto is, quite truly, “LET THE PEOPLE TRADE”? And, by “trade,” they of course mean, “restricting transactions for certain securities to position closing only.” And by that, they mean, “making sure the reckless hedge funds that own us make more money than our customers.”
And by that, they mean, “doing patently illegal things because we’ll never get put in jail for it.” And by that, they mean, “we should probably change our name to SherrifOfNottingham.”
All this can be really confusing for people who don’t have DEGREES in finance and work on Wall Street, and, therefore, STUPIDLY think they have the RIGHT TO MAKE money. But, I think there’s a way I can dumb it down for you, peasants. You see, you’re a poor person. If you weren’t a poor person anymore, than you wouldn’t be poor, and who would the rich person take advantage of? It’s pretty simple really.
Still too complicated? Well, let’s try another example.
Say five bananas currently cost 10 dollars. One ape on the market has 5 bananas. Snake asks to borrow 5 banana’s for a bit and instead sells the 5 bananas thinking price will go down soon (shorting). He thinks he can buy them later for less and give them back to ape, so he makes profit on the difference. Group of apes notice what stupid snakes are doing and decide to buy all bananas on the market until snakes have no other choice than to buy from the group of apes in order to return what they borrowed. If group of apes stay strong then a giant hedge fund will use the banana trading app that it controls to stop all transactions on the banana market until the apes stop playing UNFAIRLY and give the bananas back to the reckless snakes for FREE. Then once the snakes get back all the bananas they stupidly gave away thanks to rules that the snakes made up to benefit themselves, the government will fine the snakes ONE BANANA, and the snakes will get a MILLION MORE BANANAS FOR FREE, as their punishment for almost collapsing the banana market. This is called “How America works.”
Seem unfair? Well, you should have thought of that before you were born poor, COMMIE!
NOTE: This column is not intended as investment advice. In fact, anyone who interprets this column as advice of any kind, or think’s it’s remotely smart or funny, is, well, a moron.
PATRIOTS, as a proudly irrational person, nothing gets me more excited than getting excited about things I don’t understand. That’s why, when I heard that a bunch of people on Reddit had somehow pushed the stock price of worthless company GameStop up over 300% simply by all buying the worthless stock, and in the process made many of themselves into millionaires overnight, I said, “What? I literally don’t understand any of that!”
Well, PATRIOTS, let me explain. You see, I don’t know. I don’t know anything about any of this. What I do know is that big, fat Wall Street hedge funds who have become far too accustomed to screwing over the American middle class for years are losing big! Like, BILLIONS and BILLIONS of dollars big, because of the actions of these Redditers on the message board r/wallstreetbets. That’s because the hedge funds shorted the stock of the flailing video game retailer, GameStop, meaning they BET IRRESPONSIBLY HUGE amounts of money that the stock would become basically worthless. BUT SURPRISE! Instead, everyone on r/wallstreetbets seems to have banded together to buy huge amounts of the stock, thereby driving the price up MASSIVELY, and screwing the hedge fund guys! The price of GameStop stock went up from $18 per share to over $300 per share! So the greedy hedge funds are now on the hook for somewhere around $2.75 billion dollars! Maybe even over $5 billion! Yikes! That’s a bigger loss than a Trump Casino!!!!
And the big gains by these Robinhood’s investing on the Robin Hood app has attracted a whole bunch of copycats to similarly worthless stocks that the Average Joe RedditPack thinks the hedge funds may have gotten way over their skis in betting billions against. Now, those Redditors have a couple billion dollars in capital to spend taking down their next target! Which shitty worthless stock will they turn against the Wall Street Fat Cats next? I don’t know!
IN FACT, I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON!!!!
This is SOO CONFUSING! MARGINS! What are those? Like the sides on a piece of paper? OPTIONS! Those are the things I can change on video games, right? SHORTS! I wear those when it’s hot out, right? NO! APPARENTLY, THOSE ARE ALL STOCK MARKET WORDS!
Here’s a word: F************** THIS IS CONFUSING!
But, there’s money to be made, and it looks easy, so as of today, I’m pouring all my money into this wild, casino system that’s always been rigged against me and that I don’t understand. CAPITALISM! (NOTE: I’m not doing this.)
But, PATRIOTS, we can’t get caught up in punishing the greedy just because they’re evil. We must spare a thought for the many, many, many, unscrupulous corporate raiders who lost their fourth yacht as a result of this HORRIBLE ATTACK on WALL STREET!
CNBC must defend these people! This MANIPULATION OF THE MANIPULATIVE MUST BE PUNISHED BY THE GOVERNMENT THAT DIDN’T PUNISH ANY OF THE MANIPULATORS BEFORE! REGULAR PEOPLE SHOULDN’T BE MANIPULATING! THAT’S MEAN!
But the new corporate raiders on Reddit aren’t having it! As evidenced by one Reddit poster’s “open letter to CNBC” which criticized the network for it’s “contempt for the retail investor” and for allowing giant, evil hedge funds to “manipulate the market via your network and if they screw up big … they just get a bailout.”
Yes, that’s what’s called CAPITALISM! Now you get it! The little guy never wins!!!
PATRIOTS, no PATRIOT has fought harder against the EVILS of FREEDOM than Mike Lindell, CEO of My Pillow, “The World’s Shittiest Pillow,”TM and recent proponent of MARTIAL LAW to overthrow the U.S. Government. If that’s not American, than call me a terrorist! That’s why it’s SO INCREDIBLY ORWELLIAN that Twitter has decided to PERMANENTLY BAN the My Pillow man from its platform. What did he do? Apparently, he “alleged that the voting machine companies Smartmatic and Dominion Voting Systems were part of a conspiracy to rig the election against Trump,” according to reports. Big deal! It’s not like that PROVEN, REPEATED LIE ever killed anybody! What’s that? It killed five people? Big deal! They were probably LEFTISTS, anyway!
It’s NOT FAIR that private companies are banning bad faith actors who continually push lies for profit while attacking the fragile peace that sustains our politically-divided society! It’s NOT FAIR because those people REALLY WANT TO PROFIT from the downfall of America! If Mike Lindell can’t profit from selling the PROVEN LIE that Donald Trump won the election, if not for an elaborate conspiracy involving the makers of voting machines, local election officials, state-level Republicans, and the long-dead leader of Venezuela, what is he going to PROFIT FROM? Selling shitty pillows? Selling poisonous plants as a miracle cure for COVID-19? Yes, he did that. And, no, it did not turn out to be a miracle cure, but it was slightly healthier than drinking bleach. MAGA!
These lies never hurt anybody! Did they? I don’t know. Probably. Probably a lot of people, actually. Hmm. But PATRIOTS, the PERSECUTION OF THE PILLOW MAN raises a larger question about American society, namely, do we really want to be the kind of country that allows private companies to silence CONSERVATIVE VOICES just because they refuse to stop intentionally spouting dangerous, destructive, murderous LIES? I think not! That’s ORWELLIAN, just like it was ORWELLIAN that pro-terrorist Republican Senator Josh Hawley briefly lost his book deal for two weeks because he incited terrorism. TERRORISM AND BOOK DEALS FOR EVERYONE! FINANCED BY THE GOVERNMENT! THAT’S WHAT I CALL FREE MARKET!
The FREE MARKET decides things in this country, and the FREE MARKET should decide that the My Pillow man’s LIES, the LIES I LIKE, must be spread to ALL by a private platform called Twitter, and if the FREE MARKET decides it doesn’t want to do that, THAN THE GOVERNMENT SHOULD MAKE IT DO THAT! That’s called Trumpism!
PATRIOTS, America is sick, and the only cure is to just let all the LUNATICS RUN THE ASYLUM! And WHITE OLEANDER EXTRACT! Why not let a former cocaine addict who now sells cheap pillows organize a domestic paramilitary operation AND PROVIDE GREAT HEALTHCARE SOLUTIONS? Why not also let this man tell us who really won presidential elections based on nothing more than the feelings in his gut? Why not let Representatives bring guns and ammunition to the house floor? As long as they really believe those guns are actually candy canes, who’s to tell them they aren’t? It’s called FIRST AMENDMENT! Why not let the people who lOvE tHe FrEe MaRkEt So MuCh force businesses like Twitter to make ONLY the decisions THEY SUPPORT, until ALL AMERICANS are forced to suffer the daily FEAR of incitement of domestic TERROR FOR TRUMP, and attacks on the Capitol following every election the PROVEN LIARS say was fraudulent?
Because that threatens the safety of every American? F*** it! I don’t care! I care about MY FREEDOM, not YOUR FREEDOM!
CANCEL THE CANCEL CULTURE! LET THE LIES FLOW!
Speaking of which, let’s all buy a My Pillow to support the latest VICTIM of his own stupidity. Buy TWO! Buy yours here!
PATRIOTS, everybody knows Cryin’ Chuck Schumer is a WHINY little bitch (at least everybody who read and believed the vile spew coming from President Joe Biden’s PREDECSSOR’S Twitter before it was deactivated for domestic terrorism), but now Cryin’ has sunk to a new low. He took to the Senate floor, the most sacred place in the U.S. Capitol, which is reserved only for democratic proceedings and crazy men dressed as vikings, to take another cheap shot at Biden’s PREDECESSOR over the PREDECESSOR’S attempt to overthrow democracy. In a speech to MEMBERS, in which Schumer said the article of impeachment against the Predecessor would be delivered to the Senate on Monday, Cryin’ Chuck accused Biden’s PREDECESSOR of trying to incite an “erection”.
HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHHAHAH! HE SAID “ERECTION!” HE SAID “ERECTION!”
But PATRIOTS, everybody knows, when you take a shot at the KING’S WIENER, you’d better not miss! And CRYIN’ missed BIGLY, because everybody knows, nobody is HARDER for FASCISM than Joe Biden’s PREDECESSOR.
What’s that? PREDECESSOR’S own, white-supremacist, misogynistic Nazi supporters are now calling Biden’s PREDECESSOR “flaccid”?
Damn. Here’s what The “FAKE” New York Times reported about the PREDECESSOR’S biggest supporters, the boys who have the least to be proud of, THE PROUD BOYS!
. . . by this week, the group’s attitude toward Mr. Trump had changed. “Trump will go down as a total failure,” the Proud Boys said in the same Telegram channel on Monday. . .
Last week, Nicholas Fuentes, the leader of America First, wrote in his Telegram channel that Mr. Trump’s response to the Capitol rampage was “very weak and flaccid” and added, “Not the same guy that ran in 2015.”– The ‘FAKE’ New York Times
Damn. PREDECESSOR even lost his MOST RACIST supporters. This whole MAGA movement is starting to look like a shriveled up hot dog. Even the CRAZIEST of the CRAZIES are abandoning the PREDECESSOR TRAIN. The Q Anon CULT, which believed that PREDECESSOR’S every move was part of a massively convoluted and secret effort to expose and arrest members of a secret cabal of satanist, child-eating, pedophiles (AKA DEM-O-RATS) who run EVERYTHING in the world, IS ABANDONING THE PREDECESSOR TRAIN!
The Q-NUTS thought that on Wednesday, the Bidens, Obamas and the Clintons “would be rounded up and executed for child sex trafficking, treason and other crimes,” and Trump would be inaugurated for a second term. SADLY, PATRIOTS, THEY–and we–WERE WRONG!
Like a flipped switch, the attitude inside online QAnon communities shifted from glee to shock and misery: “NOTHING FUCKING HAPPENED!!!”; “So now we have proof Q was total bullshit”; “I feel sick, disgusted and disappointed”; “Have we been duped???”; “You played us all”; “HOW COULD WE BELIEVE THIS FOR SO LONG? ARE WE ALL IDIOTS?”– HUFFPOST (or whatever the hell that LIBERAL RAG is called now
WE ARE ALL IDIOTS! We all got F***ed by the “ERECTION” Biden’s PREDECESSOR incited. Thanks, Cryin’ Chuck!
PATRIOTS, it’s no secret that Joe Biden’s PREDECESSOR Made America Great Again, already. Greater than it’s ever been, in fact, which is why WE CONSERVATIVE PATRIOTS are so disheartened to see that after a FULL 24 HOURS as president, America under Joe Biden remains the same, intolerant, mindless, sick, scorched HELLSCAPE that it was when PREDECESSOR left office yesterday! I mean, really? What is Biden doing? PREDECESSOR would have fixed all of this already, if he’d ever been President!
Sean Hannity got it right during his FREEDOM HOUR OF FASCISM last night, on day one-half of the TOTALLY ALREADY FAILED Biden Administration, when Hannity said of Biden’s COVID plan, “I thought he was going to do this on day one!”
“WHY HASN’T BIDEN FIXED COVID ON DAY ONE?” Hannity rightly asked of Biden. PREDECESSOR had ONLY just over 365 days to STOP COVID, and Biden GOT A WHOLE ONE!!! Double-standard much, you lying LEFTIST media???
Meanwhile, BIDEN wasted an entire HALF-DAY of being president (the same amount of time it takes Hannity’s LOVER to GOLF) signing 17 executive actions on a range of topics, including the COVID pandemic and rejoining the World Health Organization and the Paris climate accords. LAZY BASTARD! Biden’s PREDECESSOR pardoned over 100 people on his final day! Now, that’s what I call action!
Hannity called Biden “the weak, the frail, the cognitively struggling Biden,” which was a totally ACCURATE description of what LOBOTOMIZED CONSERVATIVES LIKE HANNITY fantasized about while Biden was giving an inarguably coherent and cognitively lucid address, part of his day that saw him not even stop once to TAKE A BREAK TO GO GOLFING OR TWEET. In other words, HANNITY IS RIGHT! BIDEN IS WEAK! SO WEAK HE’S STRONG! IT MAKES SENSE, JUST DON’T THINK ABOUT IT!
And then, in this totally objective and unbiased ASSAULT on the Biden HELL-MINISTRATION, Hannity asked the really important question. No, not the question of, why has HANNITY has abandoned all pretense of objectivity or truth in exchange for riling up the uninformed masses against democracy? HANNITY asked why doesn’t BIDEN work toward unity, while HANNITY continues to sow the seeds of insurrection and domestic terrorism nightly? “For example,” HANNITY suggested, “[Biden] could’ve stopped comparing Republicans to Nazis, like he did a week ago. He could ask his colleagues to stop referring to 75 million peace-loving [PREDECESSOR] supporters as domestic terrorists that support insurrection when they absolutely do not.” Yes, STOP CALLING US WHAT WE ARE, BIDEN. We’re not domestic terrorists and Nazis, we just hate our democratic government and would like to punish everyone who doesn’t look or think like us, and we have many avowed Nazis as prominent members of our political movement! Totally different!
PATRIOTS, we need UNITY, and we CONSERVATIVES sure as hell aren’t going to try to foster it, because there’s too much money being made by Fox News, OAN, and Newsmax for us to ever STOP LYING TO YOU!
But PATRIOTS, fear not because BIDEN has already been involved in a bigger SCANDAL than his PREDECESSOR ever had.
Biden FIRED the General Counsel to the National Labor Relations Board. And, if you’re LIKE most Americans, you’re saying, “What is that?” Well, it doesn’t matter, SHEEPLE!
Or, if you know about this particular general counsel of the NLRB, you might be saying, “Good, because he was one of the foremost opponents of workers’ rights in government, and had been appointed by [PREDECESSOR] specifically to be a sycophant for big business and against unionization.”
OKAY, COMMUNIST! PATRIOTS, all that matters is that Biden did something we can criticize! WE’RE OUTRAGED AT THIS… whatever it was. IT DOESN’T MATTER! The important thing is that WE WILL ATTACK BIDEN HARDER ON THIS SMALL BUREAUCRATIC CHANGE than we ATTACKED [PREDECESSOR] FOR INCITING A TERRORIST ATTACK ON THE U.S. CAPITOL THAT SOUGHT TO END DEMOCRACY AND KILL THE VICE PRESIDENT AND THE SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE!
OR, ANYTHING ELSE [PREDECESSOR] DID TO LITERALLY TRY TO END THE UNITED STATES, FOR THAT MATTER!
LET THE CONSERVATIVE PILE-ON BEGIN! WE CARE ABOUT THIS COUNTRY AGAIN, because we’re no longer the ones with the power to destroy it!
Also, there’s windows being broken at someplace other than the U.S. Capitol? I care about vandalism and rioting again!
PATRIOTS, we conservatives have seen enough. It’s time to DECLARE this Biden presidency a TOTAL AND COMPLETE FAILURE! We put up with a lot of fascism over the last four years, and we didn’t say a word against it, but Biden looked at me the wrong way during that Inaugural Address!
Impeach! Impeach! Impeach!
Well, PATRIOTS, it’s official. Joseph Robinette SLEEPY HIDIN’ Biden is now the President of the United States. OUR MAGA CULT’S tremendous run of destruction, violence, lies and idiocy is over. We had a good run. We tore down a lot of things (not statues, though). Killed a lot of people, more people than many even thought possible. But, like the Bible says (I assume, because like Trump, I’ve never read it) “For everything there is a season, A time for every activity under heaven.” And, so the season of MAGA is at an end. Its terror and boastfulness will live on for decades, its consequences far-reaching, eternally harmful to our country, as the actions of ALL TRUE PATRIOTS should be. But today it is time for a new season, a season of peace, of hope, of competent presidential leadership, rather than pillaging self-enrichment and self-aggrandizing.
Today begins the season of BIDEN, and I, like the outgoing President of the United States…
…’s Vice President, Mike Pence, wish President Biden good luck.
JUST KIDDING! I’m going to go immediately into REPUBLICAN SPIN MODE, and I’m going to hypocritically attack everything Biden does, whether it’s good, bad, or indifferent! Why? I’m a REPUBLICAN who hates AMERICA. That’s why!
Biden began his term with a call for unity, healing and truth. He said at one point in his Inaugural Address, “There is truth and there are lies – lies told for power and profit.” As a loyal TRUMP supporter, I have NO IDEA who he was referring to with this non-sequitur, but I assume it was some, lying SCUM-o-CRAT.
Then, Biden, said what we’ve all been thinking, that “democracy is fragile,” which was a clear reference to the dangers posed by the TEAM OF COMPETENT STATESMEN AND STATESWOMEN Biden plans to install in power in place of TRUMP’S COALITION OF WINGNUTS, who sought to overthrow the government.
WE MUST REMAIN VIGILANT PATRIOTS! The danger to Democracy has arrived with the EXIT OF DICTATOR TRUMP!
We, PATRIOTS, must now begin living in fear, the same FEAR we RIGHTFULLY INFLICTED on all the persecuted and underprivileged Americans during our REIGN OF TERROR, I mean, GLORIOUS REIGN OF TRUMP! Sleep in fear, now, PATRIOTS, FEAR OF THE BEAUTIFUL MESSAGE OF HOPE AND OPTIMISM delivered by this HELL-NAUGURATION of HIDIN’ BIDEN!
In just one of the scenes from this DISGRACEFUL REFUTATION OF TRUMP’S SPITEFUL, DESTRUCTIVE, PATRIOTIC VISION OF AMERICA’S FUTURE, Amanda Gorman, a young, talented POET–the most EVIL of all LEFTIST professions–recited a message of hope. HOPE! I mean, really, what hope can we, the white persecuted, have at a time like this? We’ve lost our RIGHTS! We can’t even burn down the Capitol Building anymore!
Amanda Gorman, poet, said, ““We will raise this wounded world into a wondrous one … There is always light, if only we’re brave enough to see it. If only we’re brave enough to be it.”
Disgrace! How far our national rhetoric and tone has fallen under the FAILED BIDEN ADMINISTRATION that has been in power for a full TWO HOURS! Compare that tolerant mumbo-jumbo to Trump’s POETRY at his rally to destroy America on January 6. . .
“…late in the evening or early in the morning, boom. These explosions of bullshit, and all of the sudden —all of a sudden, it started to happen.”DONALD TRUMP
Now that’s what I call POETRY!
The HELL-NAUGURATION of Biden also saw the swearing in of the first black and Asian-American Vice President of the United States, Kamala Harris. LIB-TARDS called it a historic step for our country. I call it a SAD NEW LOW for TRUMPISM. Now, I’ve got nothing against black people, but [insert contrived rationalization for why a black person shouldn’t be VP here].
I’m not intolerant, PATRIOTS. I’m just not tolerant. That’s all. And if that makes me a bad person, then, I guess I’m guilty as charged (but don’t worry because I’ll probably get a pardon from TRUMP! TRUMP! TRUMP! TRUMP! (What’s that?? He can’t pardon me after he leaves office??? Damn.))
On this HELL-NAUGURATION DAY, we saw the TRIUMVIRATE OF LEFTISTS (as I call them)–composed of Michelle Obama, Jennifer Lopez, and Lady Gaga–assemble to wreak their UN-AMERICAN ideals of joy and tolerance on OUR country. Just look at Michelle Obama! LOOK AT HER! LOOK!
I AM OUTRAGED!!! (I’m not sure about what, but give me a second, I’ll figure it out (Dang! She looks dignified. She’s everything Melania wasn’t AND I HATE HER!!!)
Lady Gaga showed up for a brief pop-in on her way to BIDEN’S HUNGER GAMES, I assume, to ABSOLUTELY BUTCHER our National Anthem, by singing it instead of mocking it, like TRUMP did.
Then, J-LO told everyone to “get loud” after she sang “This Land Is Your Land.” Really, J-LO? “Your” land? WRONG! THIS IS TRUMP SUPPORTERS’ LAND! IF YOU DON’T LOVE IT, LEAVE IT! (Or storm the Capitol and then call it “patriotism.”)
And, just when things seemed they couldn’t get any worse, COUNTRY MUSIC HERO GARTH BROOKS revealed he’s a been closet AMERICAN all along. I thought he was a REPUBLICAN! TREASON! TREASON!
But the thing that sticks out the most to me, PATRIOTS, is that for the first time in the last four years, a MENTALLY ILL MADMAN WHO DEMONSTRABLY HATES AMERICA IS IN CHARGE OF THE NUCLEAR CODES! I am of course referring to Joe Biden, in case you didn’t get that.
PATRIOTS, it’s a fresh start for America today. The GREAT STAIN ON OUR NATIONAL CONSCIENCE is gone. Whoops! Sorry, a little bit of honesty slipped out there. I mean, A GREAT PATRIOTIC DICTATOR has gone into exile. There we go. Fixed it.
We’ve seen the dawn of a new administration, an administration that promises to respect history, science, fact, and the rights of all Americans to live in peace and safety. DISGUSTING! We’ve seen responsibility and sanity return to the highest office in our land. SICK! We’ve breathed a sigh of relief that our democracy has not yet become the victim of a self-interested, narcissistic, destructive power-grab that exploits the worst in people to pillage the work that our forefathers worked so hard to create. LOSERS!
America has survived TRUMP!
I’m sorry to say, we failed patriots. We tried our best to tear it down, but we finally found the limits of our own incompetence, when it came to successfully carrying out our coup. Now, we must suffer four years of Democracy, tolerance and sanity.
I think TRUMP’S CHILDREN speak for all of us, patriots, when they say, “WAH! WAH! WAH! WAH! BOO! HOO!”
And to the rest of you TOLERANT, LEFTIST BASTARDS, I say, enjoy your precious AMERICA! We’ll be back in four years to try and destroy it again, if you’re not careful!
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