THE BELL TOLLS FOR FREEDOM: A TACO BELL STORY

  
Taco Bell is as American as apple pie.

Wherever there’s a pile of sawdust-filled meat stuffed into a tortilla, or a bathroom toilet overflowing from a massive dump, you can be sure that not far away is a Taco Bell.

And you can be sure that inside that Taco Bell, America’s founding principles of capitalism and obesity are being practiced.

But in Downey, California, freedom has withered. The smell of spicy meat no longer emanates from loosely cleaned microwaves. Mountain Dew Baja Blast no longer flows from the taps. Cheese is no longer rolled up in a tortilla and sold as a menu item.

The world’s first Taco Bell–Taco Bell número uno–is closed. 
  
It went out of business long ago. This 400 square-foot slice of paradise stopped selling delicious taco-like food products during the Reagan Administration, when business dwindled due to the rise of bigger, more popular restaurants with modern innovations like “indoor seating” and “drive throughs.” A new era was dawning, and Taco Bell Número Uno was left in the past.

  
During a decade when wolves roamed Wall Street and girls just wanted to have fun, this little slice of “clielo” (Spanish for “heaven”) couldn’t keep up with the rabid consumption economy of a country that just wanted more and more. America didn’t have time to wait 2 minutes for its tacos; it needed them in one. The joys of a simpler time were cast aside in order to embrace the coming fast-food revolution. Taco Bell Número Uno was forgotten, left to wither in the cold California sun, left to fade like the brightest stars of Tinseltown all inevitably did once their glory days passed. By the time George Herbert Walker Bush took office, not even the rats wanted its artificial cheesefood.

They say there’s no place lonlier than being alone. That was true of Taco Bell Número Uno.

  
Still, it wasn’t all bad.

There were the memories. So many great memories, spanning so many good years. There was opening day 1962, when Taco Bell’s founder, Glenn Bell, handed over the very first Taco Bell taco to an unsuspecting customer who had no idea what he was in for when he crunched into that 19-cent slice of faux-Mexican deliciousness. There was the first mariachi performance, which was held on the stage out back across from the fire pits, and all the white people pretending they liked it. And there was the time that guy fell in the fire pit and died, and they buried his body out in the desert without calling the cops. So many good memories.

   
   
If you lived in Downey, Californa between 1962 and 1986, Taco Bell was like your Times Square. It was the crossroads of the universe, where culture, art, and food intersected in a symphony of taste, sound, and light, very cheap lights from the Home Depot, to be exact.

This little taco stand, no bigger than a two-car garage, with its mission-style arches and its lack of indoor seating, changed the world. It took a fast food industry wedded to the idea of burgers and fries and turned it on its head by showing what happened if you just think outside the bun for once.

Now there are Taco Bells in every corner of the Earth. Sure they might not have mariachi bands and fire pits, but they have chairs, and they have the one thing that has never faded since Taco Bell Número Uno opened on that fateful day in 1962: people that like tacos.

It was safe in this knowledge that Taco Bell Número Uno could accept its ultimate fate. By December 2014, the Bell had tolled for Taco Bell Número Uno. The wheels of capitalism stop for no man, woman or restaurant. A vacant lot must be cleared and the seeds of new business must be planted, so profits can spring anew. Taco Bell número uno was set to be demolished this year.

Or so it thought. 

You see, Taco Bell never forgot about Taco Bell. 

And on November 19, Taco Bell cleared the lot upon which the world’s first Taco Bell sat, not by smashing Taco Bell Número Uno to bits with a crude wrecking ball but by giving it new life.

  
  
The restaurant was loaded onto the back of a flat-bed truck, mission-style arches and all, for a glorious 45-mile parade through scenic Downey, California to its temporary resting place at Taco Bell Headquarters on Glenn Bell way in Irvine. 

The entire event was livestreamed online to potentially dozens.

A Taco Bell being driven around on the back of a flat bed truck was livestreamed.

Perhaps it’s a fate befitting the restaurant founded by Glen Bell that the move isn’t a last ride, but rather a new beginning. After all, Bell launched numerous, short-lived franchise failures–Bell’s Burgers, Taco Tia and El Taco–before birthing his Taco masterpiece. 

  
Perhaps Taco Bell Número Uno, like Glenn Bell, can rise from the ashes to accomplish something even greater, and remind us that, like the cheese scraps we all secretly scoop up and eat at the end of our Taco Bell meal, there’s still greatness left in all of us. 

Taco Bell says the building’s future and its final location are yet to be decided. Here’s hoping they’ll think outside the bun, just like the great Glenn Bell, founder of Taco Bell Número Uno.

YOU DO HAVE TO LIVE LIKE A REFUGEE…GOP LEADERS DRAW THE LINE!!!

 
The attacks in Paris, horrific as they were, brought out the best in humanity. In our darkest hour, the bright lights of libertè shone brightly. Mankind stood up to the barbarity of those who would see the accomplishments of civilization rolled back. It declared in one voice, “We will not be afraid.” 

Freedom rings, whether in the form of a HEROIC PATRIOT who blindly slams closed the door to safety in the face of refugees fleeing violence and persecution, or in the form of ANOTHER HEROIC PATRIOT who isn’t afraid to call freedom’s enemy by its real name: BARACK OBAMA.

Republicans did what they always do in times of crisis…LEAD.

I found this comprehensive list of the most heroic statements made by TRUE PATRIOTS since the Paris attacks. Here are the highlights:

1. Ted Cruz: Keep Out Them Muzlims!!!  

The junior senator from Texas just introduced a bill in the Senate to ban any Muslim refugees from Syria. 

Only Christian refugees, says Cruz. It’s a totally understandable position, because like the Constitution clearly says, “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof… but if you’re not from around these here parts, we’ll totally make laws that say what religion you can be.” Principles. Founding principles. Let’s get back to ’em.

And Cruz clearly understands what Obama can’t, which is, it is that easy to spot a Muslim. Just look at ’em. They stick out like a sore thumb in a crowd of Syrian refugees.

Brown skin, don’t let ’em in, right? Boom. WHY CAN’T WE ELECT THIS MAN PRESIDENT???

Cruz knows the only thing that matters is helping people who are like you. And why not? It’s not like he worships a guy who told a parable about a guy helping another guy who was of a different ethnoreligious group, in order to illustrate the meaning of the word “neighbor.”

2. MIKE HUCKABEE: HUCK-A-BIGOTRY

 

On Fox News Radio on Sunday, he said this about his plans for Syrian refugees: “Heck, we may take them to the University of Missouri. … A lot of the students are so stressed out from feeling unsafe because somebody said a word they didn’t like that they are not using their dorm rooms anymore. Maybe we can put them there.” 

Yeah, those bastards at Mizzou left their perfectly good poop-swastika covered dorms just because people were threatening to shoot them up. Well, let’s see how they like it when we put a bunch of Syrians there. You guys kinda miss that poop-swastika now, don’t cha? Well, that’s what you get for not appreciating the opportunity to enjoy 2 American values, guns and racism, firsthand.

Yep, put the refugees in the Mizzou dorms. It solves 2 problems: keeping terrorists out of our country and getting those lazy blacks off the couch and into the workforce.

Oh, wait, no it doesn’t. Oh well.

Mike Huckabee isn’t obligated to help the suffering and the poor. It’s not like he fanatically claims that all of his decisions are guided by a guy who said we should give away our possessions and help the less fortunate without any thought of ourselves.

He’s under no obligation to love his neighbor.

“So you don’t like that great idea?said Huckabee. “Fine. How about this one?”

“[L]isten, all of these feel good liberals who say we ought to be taking in refugees, how come they never end up in the neighborhood where the limousine liberal lives? Behind gated communities and with armed security around. Mrs. Clinton, you have suggested we take in 65,00 refugees, how many can we bring to your neighborhood in Chappaqua? Can you please just give us a number. That would be the question that I would like to ask her.”

(“Please” give us a number, Mrs. Clinton. Huckabee is definitely the most polite bigot.)

Yeah, why don’t we just put the refugees in the homes of the “limousine liberals.” Or better yet, the “private plane progressives”? Maybe even the “Diamond ring democrats”. All those liberals are so rich, not like Republicans. Let them solve the world’s problems and us Republicans will continue to do our job: causing problems.

Speaking of which…
3. DONALD TRUMP: “BIG BEAUTIFUL SAFE-ZONE”  

“In Syria, take a big swatch of land, which, believe me, you get for the right price, OK? … What I’d like is build a safe zone … build a big, beautiful safe zone, and you have whatever it is so people can live, and they’ll be happier.”

(Not the worst idea. Close to it.)

Trump has stumbled upon a great solution here. Put the refugees in refugee camp–I mean “safe zones”. Yeah, safe zones. What’s not to like, they’re safe because they’re in a safe zone.

It’s so easy.

I bet when the millions of displaced persons in Syria and the refugees living in camps nearby hear about the safe zone they’re going to be thilled. Finally they’ll be safe. Safe from the violence and mistreatment of the typical refugee camp. Safe from the barrel bombs targeting civilians which are frequently dropped by the Assad regime. Safe from ISIS.

So, who’s going to keep them safe? Like all of the questions about Trump’s policies, the answer is surprisingly simple: Don’t worry about it.

Trump will simply tell you what you need to know: It’ll be the biggest, most luxurious safe zone you’ve ever… You’ll be very happy there, believe me.

Believe him. He’s God.

HATE DEBATE MILWAUKEE!!! NOVEMBER 2015 EDITION!!! RECAP!!!

  
Here’s what you need to know about tonight’s Republican debate:

1. Rick Perry is still in this race….

Oh, wait that was Ted Cruz. This is Rick Perry…

See how different they are? 

Some people like to say all Republican presidential candidates are the same–that they have the same ideas–but I disagree. They are like 15 snowflakes, each one unique and perfect. 

For example, yes, they all hate immigrants, but they each do it in a unique and individual way. Donald Trump says, “WE NEED TO GET RID OF ALL THE MEXICANS!!!” Ben Carson says, “We need to get rid of all the Mexicans.” 

Trump says “OBAMA IS NEVILLE CHAMBERLAIN!!!” Ted Cruz says, “Obama is Hitler.” Ben Carson says, “Obama is Muslim.” 

Trump says, “GET RID OF THE GOVERNMENT.” Rand Paul says, “Get rid of the government” with pubes on his head. Carson says, “Throw rocks and hammers and bricks at the government… to get rid of it.” Ted Cruz says, “Get rid of something, but I can’t remember what it is.”

Totally. Different. Ideas.

2. Eisenhower is making a comeback!!!

As liberal rag MotherJones.com explains…

Donald Trump was asked about immigration at tonight’s debate and answered with some ramble about Eisenhower or something.

Anyway, here’s what happened on Google:

  

Congratulations, Eisenhower on officially getting more interest from  2016 Republican primary voters than Jim Gilmore, George Pataki, and Bobby Jindal combined, during your one minute of interest.

Also, congratulations America, for apparently not knowing who Dwight Eisenhower was.

  
3. THE WAGES ARE TOO DAMN HIGH!!!

It’s no secret that lazy, good for nothing Communists want “wages” and “salaries.” Well, at tonight’s Republican debate, Billionaire Donald Trump, the man who is funding his own multi-million dollar campaign for president, told it like it is. 

YOUR WAGES ARE TOO HIGH, YOU LOW F#@%ING ENERGY, PATHOLOGICALLY DISEASED, WEAK, STUPID LOSER!!!

Here’s what Donald Trump said. 

And, not to be out gaffed, Ben Carson IMMEDIATELY followed with this…

So, in other words, eat your experience poor people!

Also, WTF was that map?

  

Take as long as you like. It doesn’t get any clearer.

And, because I know you dirty liberal communists are about to ask, YES THE WAGES ARE TOO HIGH, and NO, THE RENT IS NOT TOO DAMN HIGH!!!

4. To sum up…

In other words, Hate Debate Milwaukee! November 2015 edition! is best summed up thusly…

  

JUST WHO THE HELL DOES THE POPE THINK HE IS?

  
Who in God’s name does the Pope think he is?!?!

Jesus Christ!!!

First he tries to tell us the climate is changing.

And just because he’s “infallible” we’re supposed to believe him.

Nice try Pope, but would an infallible man drive a FIAT??? I think not.

  
Now, he wants to come down here to Washington, D.C., OUR NATION’S CAPITAL, TO JESUS’S HOUSE, and tell us that we can’t sentence other people to death?!?! 

What fun is that?

  
Here’s what @pontifex said during his speech to Congress Thursday…

This conviction has led me, from the beginning of my ministry, to advocate at different levels for the global abolition of the death penalty. I am convinced that this way is the best, since every life is sacred, every human person is endowed with an inalienable dignity, and society can only benefit from the rehabilitation of those convicted of crimes. Recently my brother bishops here in the United States renewed their call for the abolition of the death penalty. Not only do I support them, but I also offer encouragement to all those who are convinced that a just and necessary punishment must never exclude the dimension of hope and the goal of rehabilitation.

What good is the Bible if we can’t use its teachings to subject society’s worst offenders (and a few hundred innocent people) to a long, excruciating murder by chemical injection?

  
“Eye for an eye,” that’s what the REAL, OLD-SCHOOL GOD taught. None of this PC, liberal “Do unto others” BS that the Pope and his buddy “Jesus” are laying down. Go back to your Bernie Sanders rally, hippies.

Coincidentally, the Pope also laid that “Do unto others” propaganda down during his speech to congress…

We need to avoid a common temptation nowadays: to discard whatever proves troublesome. Let us remember the Golden Rule: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”

What?!?! “Discard whatever proves troublesome” is LITERALLY the motto that Fox News reporters live by when they report their stories. I’m beginning to think this Pope doesn’t understand anything about being a Christian (Conservative). He needs to stop taking selfies and watch some Hannity.

  
Speaking of watching Hannity, I’m hoping that’s where Supreme Court Justices (and people who have the power to abolish the death penalty) Clarence Thomas, Samuel Alito, and Antonin Scalia were, because they WISELY decided not to attend Pope-bama’s speech. That’s right, the three CATHOLIC Supreme Court justices who support the death penalty couldn’t find time in their busy schedules to see the Pope. I applaud this. Why would these all-powerful, lifetime appointees take time for a lowly elected official like the Pope. It would really be beneath them as, I’m assuming, would be listening to God’s representative on Earth.

 
But while these three old men did well in cowering from the dangerous message of peace and acceptance delivered by an elderly, foreign man in a white robe, the real hero of the day was Republican Congressman Paul Gosar. Yes, this proud member of the United States Congress boldly condemned the Pope for making EVERY. FUCKING. THING. into a divisive, poltical talking point. 

  
That’s right, Paul Gosar went there. He cast the first stone.

As he wrote in a blistering, anti-Pope, liberty-sausage of an editorial for TownHall…

Media reports indicate His Holiness…intends to focus the brunt of his speech on climate change– a climate that has been changing since first created in Genesis. More troubling is the fact that this climate change talk has adopted all of the socialist talking points, wrapped false science and ideology into “climate justice” and is being presented to guilt people into leftist policies… If the Pope plans to spend the majority of his time advocating for flawed climate change policies, then I will not attend.

 And he did not attend. As Daily Kos put it, the Catholic Congressman was, “not willing to walk about 500 feet from his office in Cannon to the Capitol.” Suck on that, Pope, you self-righteous dick! Who do you think you are to spew your Communist ideas in PAUL GOSAR’S WORKPLACE?!?! WHO ARE YOU to make PAUL GOSAR walk 500 feet?!?! THIS IS AMERICA! NOBODY walks 500 feet, here!

…Unless we’re walking to the ranch of a crazy racist who wants to start a shooting war with the U.S. Government. Paul Gosar did that…

…last year the congressman had the interest and the time to travel thousands of miles to criminal rancher Cliven Bundy’s compound in Nevada. Gosar joined a knuckle-dragging gaggle of Arizona legislators like Chemtrail Queen Sen. Kelli Ward, who caravanned to the armed camp during the standoff with BLM. The Arizonans took photographs with the bigot Bundy and spoke with local media about freedumb and shit, then returned home and plastered the pictures on their websites—that is until the old coot told the world what he knows “about the Negro.” Then the web photos disappeared…

   
 So just to recap the day’s Conservative talking points, team… Obama, Liberals, Pope, Walking=Bad.

Racist rancher, Paul Gosar, Death Penalty, Not Doing Unto Others=Good.

Got it? Okay, great. Now let’s get to work.

Of course, there are some who seem to have fallen under the spell of the Pontiff’s DANGEROUS MESSAGE OF LOVE FOR OUR FELLOW HUMAN BEINGS. 

I am calling on Fox News to FIRE THESE PEOPLE IMMEDIATELY… 

Starting with Sheppard Smith, who said this

“I think we are in a weird place in the world when the following things are considered political. Five things, I’m going to tick them off. These are the five things that were on his and our president’s agenda. Caring for the marginalized and the poor — that’s now political. Advancing economic opportunity for all. Political? Serving as good stewards of the environment. Protecting religious minorities and promoting religious freedom globally. Welcoming [and] integrating immigrants and refugees globally. And that’s political?”

  

“I think these were the teachings in the Bible of Jesus. They’re the words of the pope, they’re the feelings of the president. And people who find themselves on the other side of that message should consult a mirror, it seems like.”

Shep, I really think you need to read your Bible, specifically Matthew 17:31 “Blessed are those who say ‘Fuck the poor’,” and the Letter From St. Paul to the EPA extolling the virtues of “clean coal”. 

Or maybe we’re reading different Bibles…

  

DONALD TRUMP SAYS SOMETHING RACIST… EVERYONE ACTS SURPRISED 

 
At a town hall event in Rochester, New Hampshire Thursday night, Donald Trump got a question from a guy who was, well, exactly the kind of guy you’d expect to find at a Donald Trump town hall event…

…a PATRIOT!

The man made a perfectly reasonable point about Muslims, or as I like to call them, Obamas, because Obama is a Muslim, as this man clearly knew, because he came armed with FACTS!!!

Here’s the exchange (CAPITALIZATION added for emphasis on the PATRIOTIC PARTS)…

MAN: “We have a PROBLEM in this country… It’s called MUSLIMS. We know our current president IS ONE.”

TRUMP: “RIGHT.”

Now, at this point, I can see no controversy whatsoever. Let’s continue…

MAN: “You know he’s NOT even AMERICAN.”

Oh, he knows. He knows…

TRUMP: “We NEED this QUESTION, this is the FIRST QUESTION.”

MAN: “We have TRAINING CAMPS growing where THEY WANT TO KILL US… That’s my question…

What? It’s not.

MAN: WHEN CAN WE GET RID OF THEM?”

There’s a question…

TRUMP: “We’re going to be LOOKING AT A LOT OF DIFFERENT THINGS. A LOT of people are saying that, and A LOT of people are saying that BAD THINGS are happening out there. We’re going to be looking at THAT AND PLENTY OF OTHER THINGS.”

Is this the same unspecified “lot of people” who say that the Constitution doesn’t guarantee birthright citizenship? ‘Cause I like those people.

I’d like to meet them.

Anyway, I see nothing remotely controversial in Trump’s comments. He simply agreed with THE FACT that President Obama, wasn’t born in America, which is familiar to Fox News viewers, because Trump said it on Fox, dozens of times–and which also happens to sound completely insane to everyone else…because they are wrong–and he also agreed that Muslims are building camps in the United States from which to attack us and that he’s going to “look into it.” This is also a confirmed news story from a reputable, non-MSM/non-libtarded source.

Just because there isn’t any evidence doesn’t mean it’s not true libs…

Which should be the Trump campaign’s standard response to all media inquiries about his comments by now.

But of course, all the libs FREAKED OUT…because they don’t understand that civil rights don’t apply to Obamas…

  
  
  
But maybe there is a silver lining to all of this anti-Christian outrage…

  
It’s a Trump-fullfilling prophecy.

MIKE HUCKABEE, CHRISTIAN

 
Mike Huckabee is not an egotistical man.

Mike Huckabee does not exploit people’s willingness to buy into an extremely bigoted brand of anti-homosexual rhetoric.

Mike Huckabee isn’t in it for himself.

Mine Huckabee just wants to do what Jesus calls all Christians to do: keep the gays from being married. And he’s calling you to speak out and do the same, shouting it from the rooftops!!!

  

…unless you’re Ted Cruz, in which case, sorry, there’s no more room at the bigotry lunch table…

  

When Mr. Cruz, who met with Ms. Davis, exited the Carter County Detention Center, a throng of journalists beckoned him toward their microphones, but an aide to Mr. Huckabee blocked the path of the senator, who appeared incredulous.

Soon after, Ms. Davis emerged, apparently wearing the same clothes she had worn in court Thursday. Mr. Huckabee stuck close by her side, along with Mr. Staver and her husband, Joe, as they approached the reporters and cameras. Ms. Davis remained silent, letting Mr. Staver and Mr. Huckabee do the talking.

  

Mr. Huckabee, a former Baptist pastor, cast the dispute as a matter of religious freedom threatened by overreaching courts, while Mr. Cruz stood to the side, keeping an unusually low profile.

“If you have to put someone in jail, let me go,” Mr. Huckabee told the crowd. “Every one of us will have to decide whether we want to keep this great country or whether we want to surrender and sacrifice it to tyranny.”

Let me go to jail, Huckabee continued, because I’m the only one here… Not that it’s about me. It’s totally about keeping the gays from getting married.

Pay no attention to the pasty white bigot shrouded behind my loyal apostle! I’m the bigot you’re looking for!

… Oh and also that lady, Kim whatshername? Davids? Davis? 

Like the Bible says, and Mike Huckabee well knows…

Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus…

…but if you need to get some votes because you’re polling at like 2% in the US Presidential election, seriously, F#@% those other guys. 

– Phillipians 2:1-10

  

 And as the Bible also says, and Mike Huckabee well knows…

If I alone bear witness about myself, my testimony is not deemed true…
…but if you’re really smart about what Jesus thinks about the US Constitution, then you should talk about how smart you are. 

Duh.

– John 5:31

 God. Guns. Grits. Gravy. Gays.

  
I mean, no gays. 

Definitely no gays.

GEORGE W. BUSH CAN STILL SHAKE IT AFTER ALL THESE YEARS

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While President OBAMA was playing politics, George W. BUSH, the interpretive dancer and former president, came out of hiding today for an appearance to commemorate the BIGGEST F#@%ING “MISSION ACCOMPLISHED” OF HIS PRESIDENCY, Hurricane Katrina.

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DONALD TRUMP GAVE OUT HOME IMPROVEMENT TIPS AT HIS TOWN HALL

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Welcome to This Old House with Donald Trump.

This week, we’ll learn how to build a 30-foot, 40-foot, or even 50-foot, anti-rapist wall with just a few pieces of pre-cast plank and a hefty dose of bigotry…

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KEEP CALM AND REALIZE THAT LIFE IS ALL A BIG JOKE

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SHEEPLE, PATRIOTS, and GUN LOVERS, listen here. As I was perusing the listserv’s this morning, looking for the latest news from America’s big 3 news outlets (Fox News, Drudge Report, and Breitbart.com), I had a moment of realization: This, this life, this era of existence, is all a big F#@%ing joke.

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