PATRIOTS, as a PROUD REPUBLICAN and CONSERVATIVE, there’s nothing I’m more committed to than supporting ABSOLUTE, STARK RAVING MAD LUNATICS. You know who I’m talking about, people like Donald Trump, Marjorie Taylor Greene, Jeanine Pirro, and Ol’ Head-leaker, himself, Rudy Giuliani. Until today, I also considered My Pillow founder Mike Lindell part of that ILLUSTRIOUS LIST OF LUNATICS! But, PATRIOTS, I gotta admit, Lindell, is starting to seem a little TOO CRAZY even for me, a committed TRUMP ALLY and STRONG OPPONENT OF REALITY.
I stood by Lindell when he falsely claimed a poisonous plant could magically CURE Covid. I backed him when he tried to convince the president to IMPOSE MARTIAL LAW and seize the U.S. government from the lyin’ LIBERALS who won the election fair and square. Hell, I even supported Lindell when he kept trying to make us all buy his SHITTY PILLOWS! But, in the last few days, it’s starting to seem like Mike Lindell is gone into coo-coo crazy town on the batshit express!
A few days ago, he had to be THROWN OFF THE AIR while on NEWSMAX–NEWSMAX! The same NEWSMAX that allowed a Trump campaign lawyer to claim on its airwaves, unchallenged, that a former Trump official should be executed! Executed! Yes, Mike Lindell was THROWN OFF that NEWSMAX for being TOO CRAZY! Think about that for a second!
Lindell went on NEWSMAX to explain why he was being cancelled by TWITTER, after Twitter suspended his account for posting unhinged and provably false claims about the 2020 election being stolen from TRUMP. This INJUSTICE, as NEWSMAX and ALL CONSERVATIVES rightly understood, was the result of the LEFT’S EVIL AND OVERZEALOUS CANEL CULTURE!!! But, wouldn’t you know it, when Lindell went on NEWSMAX to spout the EXACT SAME CLAIMS that got him “CANCELLED FROM TWITTER,” the people on Conservative NEWSMAX said, “Shit, you know what? This guy is crazy! Like certifiably nuts! We gotta get him off our air before we get sued! We gotta CANCEL HIM!!!”
NEWSMAX anchor Bob Sellers literally walked the off set of his own show while Mike Lindell was talking! Think about how crazy the shit you are saying has to be in order to make a NEWSMAX anchor walk off the set of his own, in-progress show, because he’s SO AFRAID of being associated with the demented insanity that you are spewing! Imagine that! That’s where Mike Lindell is right now on the CRAZY SCALE!!! TOO CRAZY to speak on Newsmax!
He said, “Bye-bye pillow!”
But, that wasn’t the CRAZIEST THING Mike Lindell did this week. NOT BY A LONG SHOT!
On Friday morning, Lindell appeared in a three-hour “documentary” that he made, which aired on the OTHER wildly, irresponsible, Trump-supporting channel, One America News Network! The OANN special, which OANN DID NOT create and REFUSED to be associated with, (besides, I guess allowing Lindell to buy out time on its airwaves to show it) purported to expose the “Absolute Proof” that Donald Trump actually won the 2020 election. “Absolute Proof” was even the name of Lindell’s special, which you won’t be surprised to read, contained no proof, and not even conjecture, but was merely three hours of Mike Lindell ranting and raving in his pillow-hocking voice about things that are both PROVABLY FALSE and TOTALLY INSANE. The only thing this special was “Absolute Proof” of, was that Mike Lindell’s CRAZY could power a small city!
Like all ABSOLUTE PROOFS of Donald Trump’s victory, it starts with a 1:31 long DISCLAIMER about how the claims about to be made by “Michael James Lindell” are SO CRAZY, that even ONE AMERICA NEWS NETWORK, the blindly-Trump-supporting channel that EMPLOYS AN ACTUAL KREMLIN PROPAGANDIST, DISAVOWS ALL OF THESE WILD CLAIMS, and that “the… claims expressed in this program… are not intended to be taken or interpreted by the viewer as established facts.” READ THAT AGAIN SO YOU UNDERSTAND EXACTLY WHAT IT’S SAYING, because that’s a pretty bold claim for a channel that calls itself a “News Network.”
OANN makes clear that it’s airing this special purely for profit, but knows it’s total bullshit, and would really like to not be named in any of the billions of dollars of lawsuits that are being filed against conservative media by the voting companies that they’ve been lying about.
So it’s, you know, NEWS!
And LINDELL’S claims that followed that AMAZING DISCLAIMER certainly lived up to their billing.
“The first miracle was on election night, and on election night at 11:15 at night, the algorithms on these machines broke, basically broke, and this’ll be explained during this show, but they broke. What that means is Donald Trump got so many more millions of votes that they didn’t expect that they’re going to have to go recalibrate, right?”Algorithm EXPERT and My Pillow Man
Riiiiiiiiiiiiiggghhhtttt. Okay, but what is your Absolute Proof?
Nothing? Okay, got it.
“The big thing was the theft by these other countries that came in to attack our country through these machines that are made to steal elections. Every election going forward in history if these things would have happened, these two, and we would have never known, every single vote you would have ever made wouldn’t have mattered. Somebody else would have made that vote. And we’ve all seen in this past month, you think it wasn’t communists coming in and taking us over? With people here. This is an attack not only on those other countries with communism, but they had domestic traitors right here in our country. Whatever’s going on right now, we’re seeing it. They’re suppressing. Cancel culture. They’re trying to cancel us all out. I have seen churches, the Christian churches, they’re being attacked right now. People on social media, anyone that speaks up, they’re going, ‘You can’t say that.’ It’s like, you’re gone. Right now they’re doing whack-a-mole because they knew they were so close, so close that we would never know in history what happened.”An ELECTIONS EXPERT Who Makes Cheap Pillows
Okay, so as a person who hates America as much as I love TRUMP, TRUMP, TRUMP, I want this to be true. But, I’m afraid it sounds more like a guy who makes pillows is high on cocaine and trying to convince me of something that makes no sense. What’s that? That’s EXACTLY what this is? Oh.
Would you like to see more of this NON-FACTUAL “proof”? No?
What’s that, your head hurts? Oh, well, here’s some more claims by MIKE LINDELL.
You know that when the DRUNK WOMAN who was nationally mocked for her INSANE, RIDICULOUS, NONSENSICAL RAMBLING about how tRuMp ReAlLy WoN shows up as part of your “Absolute Proof” that things are going really well, and by “really well” I mean about as good as a night’s sleep on a MyPillow!
PATRIOTS, we’ve suffered a lot of insane, unhinged, destructive conspiracy theories over the past four years. We’ve bent over backward to excuse and apologize for the CONSPIRACY THEORIST IN CHIEF, and we’ve all come out worse for it. What say we STOP with this INSANE UTTER NONSENSE, and stop letting the My Pillow man book airtime on TV to brainwash TRUMP-SUPPORTING IDIOTS? I think I speak for everyone when I say, get some rest, My Pillow man. Get some rest. You’ve harmed your country proud, and you’re TOO CRAZY, even for US CRAZIES!
Parkland school shooting survivor and gun control advocate David Hogg plans to launch his own pillow company with the goal of competing against embattled bedding company MyPillow. The idea was posed to Hogg, 20, in a tweet from entrepreneur William LeGate on Thursday that questioned whether the duo should start a pillow company to “put MyPillow out of business.”NBC (Nothin’ But Crap) NEWS
PATRIOTS, no PATRIOT has fought harder against the EVILS of FREEDOM than Mike Lindell, CEO of My Pillow, “The World’s Shittiest Pillow,”TM and recent proponent of MARTIAL LAW to overthrow the U.S. Government. If that’s not American, than call me a terrorist! That’s why it’s SO INCREDIBLY ORWELLIAN that Twitter has decided to PERMANENTLY BAN the My Pillow man from its platform. What did he do? Apparently, he “alleged that the voting machine companies Smartmatic and Dominion Voting Systems were part of a conspiracy to rig the election against Trump,” according to reports. Big deal! It’s not like that PROVEN, REPEATED LIE ever killed anybody! What’s that? It killed five people? Big deal! They were probably LEFTISTS, anyway!
It’s NOT FAIR that private companies are banning bad faith actors who continually push lies for profit while attacking the fragile peace that sustains our politically-divided society! It’s NOT FAIR because those people REALLY WANT TO PROFIT from the downfall of America! If Mike Lindell can’t profit from selling the PROVEN LIE that Donald Trump won the election, if not for an elaborate conspiracy involving the makers of voting machines, local election officials, state-level Republicans, and the long-dead leader of Venezuela, what is he going to PROFIT FROM? Selling shitty pillows? Selling poisonous plants as a miracle cure for COVID-19? Yes, he did that. And, no, it did not turn out to be a miracle cure, but it was slightly healthier than drinking bleach. MAGA!
These lies never hurt anybody! Did they? I don’t know. Probably. Probably a lot of people, actually. Hmm. But PATRIOTS, the PERSECUTION OF THE PILLOW MAN raises a larger question about American society, namely, do we really want to be the kind of country that allows private companies to silence CONSERVATIVE VOICES just because they refuse to stop intentionally spouting dangerous, destructive, murderous LIES? I think not! That’s ORWELLIAN, just like it was ORWELLIAN that pro-terrorist Republican Senator Josh Hawley briefly lost his book deal for two weeks because he incited terrorism. TERRORISM AND BOOK DEALS FOR EVERYONE! FINANCED BY THE GOVERNMENT! THAT’S WHAT I CALL FREE MARKET!
The FREE MARKET decides things in this country, and the FREE MARKET should decide that the My Pillow man’s LIES, the LIES I LIKE, must be spread to ALL by a private platform called Twitter, and if the FREE MARKET decides it doesn’t want to do that, THAN THE GOVERNMENT SHOULD MAKE IT DO THAT! That’s called Trumpism!
PATRIOTS, America is sick, and the only cure is to just let all the LUNATICS RUN THE ASYLUM! And WHITE OLEANDER EXTRACT! Why not let a former cocaine addict who now sells cheap pillows organize a domestic paramilitary operation AND PROVIDE GREAT HEALTHCARE SOLUTIONS? Why not also let this man tell us who really won presidential elections based on nothing more than the feelings in his gut? Why not let Representatives bring guns and ammunition to the house floor? As long as they really believe those guns are actually candy canes, who’s to tell them they aren’t? It’s called FIRST AMENDMENT! Why not let the people who lOvE tHe FrEe MaRkEt So MuCh force businesses like Twitter to make ONLY the decisions THEY SUPPORT, until ALL AMERICANS are forced to suffer the daily FEAR of incitement of domestic TERROR FOR TRUMP, and attacks on the Capitol following every election the PROVEN LIARS say was fraudulent?
Because that threatens the safety of every American? F*** it! I don’t care! I care about MY FREEDOM, not YOUR FREEDOM!
CANCEL THE CANCEL CULTURE! LET THE LIES FLOW!
Speaking of which, let’s all buy a My Pillow to support the latest VICTIM of his own stupidity. Buy TWO! Buy yours here!