PATRIOTS, as a PROUD REPUBLICAN and CONSERVATIVE, there’s nothing I’m more committed to than supporting ABSOLUTE, STARK RAVING MAD LUNATICS. You know who I’m talking about, people like Donald Trump, Marjorie Taylor Greene, Jeanine Pirro, and Ol’ Head-leaker, himself, Rudy Giuliani. Until today, I also considered My Pillow founder Mike Lindell part of that ILLUSTRIOUS LIST OF LUNATICS! But, PATRIOTS, I gotta admit, Lindell, is starting to seem a little TOO CRAZY even for me, a committed TRUMP ALLY and STRONG OPPONENT OF REALITY.
I stood by Lindell when he falsely claimed a poisonous plant could magically CURE Covid. I backed him when he tried to convince the president to IMPOSE MARTIAL LAW and seize the U.S. government from the lyin’ LIBERALS who won the election fair and square. Hell, I even supported Lindell when he kept trying to make us all buy his SHITTY PILLOWS! But, in the last few days, it’s starting to seem like Mike Lindell is gone into coo-coo crazy town on the batshit express!
A few days ago, he had to be THROWN OFF THE AIR while on NEWSMAX–NEWSMAX! The same NEWSMAX that allowed a Trump campaign lawyer to claim on its airwaves, unchallenged, that a former Trump official should be executed! Executed! Yes, Mike Lindell was THROWN OFF that NEWSMAX for being TOO CRAZY! Think about that for a second!
Lindell went on NEWSMAX to explain why he was being cancelled by TWITTER, after Twitter suspended his account for posting unhinged and provably false claims about the 2020 election being stolen from TRUMP. This INJUSTICE, as NEWSMAX and ALL CONSERVATIVES rightly understood, was the result of the LEFT’S EVIL AND OVERZEALOUS CANEL CULTURE!!! But, wouldn’t you know it, when Lindell went on NEWSMAX to spout the EXACT SAME CLAIMS that got him “CANCELLED FROM TWITTER,” the people on Conservative NEWSMAX said, “Shit, you know what? This guy is crazy! Like certifiably nuts! We gotta get him off our air before we get sued! We gotta CANCEL HIM!!!”
NEWSMAX anchor Bob Sellers literally walked the off set of his own show while Mike Lindell was talking! Think about how crazy the shit you are saying has to be in order to make a NEWSMAX anchor walk off the set of his own, in-progress show, because he’s SO AFRAID of being associated with the demented insanity that you are spewing! Imagine that! That’s where Mike Lindell is right now on the CRAZY SCALE!!! TOO CRAZY to speak on Newsmax!
He said, “Bye-bye pillow!”
But, that wasn’t the CRAZIEST THING Mike Lindell did this week. NOT BY A LONG SHOT!
On Friday morning, Lindell appeared in a three-hour “documentary” that he made, which aired on the OTHER wildly, irresponsible, Trump-supporting channel, One America News Network! The OANN special, which OANN DID NOT create and REFUSED to be associated with, (besides, I guess allowing Lindell to buy out time on its airwaves to show it) purported to expose the “Absolute Proof” that Donald Trump actually won the 2020 election. “Absolute Proof” was even the name of Lindell’s special, which you won’t be surprised to read, contained no proof, and not even conjecture, but was merely three hours of Mike Lindell ranting and raving in his pillow-hocking voice about things that are both PROVABLY FALSE and TOTALLY INSANE. The only thing this special was “Absolute Proof” of, was that Mike Lindell’s CRAZY could power a small city!
Like all ABSOLUTE PROOFS of Donald Trump’s victory, it starts with a 1:31 long DISCLAIMER about how the claims about to be made by “Michael James Lindell” are SO CRAZY, that even ONE AMERICA NEWS NETWORK, the blindly-Trump-supporting channel that EMPLOYS AN ACTUAL KREMLIN PROPAGANDIST, DISAVOWS ALL OF THESE WILD CLAIMS, and that “the… claims expressed in this program… are not intended to be taken or interpreted by the viewer as established facts.” READ THAT AGAIN SO YOU UNDERSTAND EXACTLY WHAT IT’S SAYING, because that’s a pretty bold claim for a channel that calls itself a “News Network.”
OANN makes clear that it’s airing this special purely for profit, but knows it’s total bullshit, and would really like to not be named in any of the billions of dollars of lawsuits that are being filed against conservative media by the voting companies that they’ve been lying about.
So it’s, you know, NEWS!
And LINDELL’S claims that followed that AMAZING DISCLAIMER certainly lived up to their billing.
“The first miracle was on election night, and on election night at 11:15 at night, the algorithms on these machines broke, basically broke, and this’ll be explained during this show, but they broke. What that means is Donald Trump got so many more millions of votes that they didn’t expect that they’re going to have to go recalibrate, right?”Algorithm EXPERT and My Pillow Man
Riiiiiiiiiiiiiggghhhtttt. Okay, but what is your Absolute Proof?
Nothing? Okay, got it.
“The big thing was the theft by these other countries that came in to attack our country through these machines that are made to steal elections. Every election going forward in history if these things would have happened, these two, and we would have never known, every single vote you would have ever made wouldn’t have mattered. Somebody else would have made that vote. And we’ve all seen in this past month, you think it wasn’t communists coming in and taking us over? With people here. This is an attack not only on those other countries with communism, but they had domestic traitors right here in our country. Whatever’s going on right now, we’re seeing it. They’re suppressing. Cancel culture. They’re trying to cancel us all out. I have seen churches, the Christian churches, they’re being attacked right now. People on social media, anyone that speaks up, they’re going, ‘You can’t say that.’ It’s like, you’re gone. Right now they’re doing whack-a-mole because they knew they were so close, so close that we would never know in history what happened.”An ELECTIONS EXPERT Who Makes Cheap Pillows
Okay, so as a person who hates America as much as I love TRUMP, TRUMP, TRUMP, I want this to be true. But, I’m afraid it sounds more like a guy who makes pillows is high on cocaine and trying to convince me of something that makes no sense. What’s that? That’s EXACTLY what this is? Oh.
Would you like to see more of this NON-FACTUAL “proof”? No?
What’s that, your head hurts? Oh, well, here’s some more claims by MIKE LINDELL.
You know that when the DRUNK WOMAN who was nationally mocked for her INSANE, RIDICULOUS, NONSENSICAL RAMBLING about how tRuMp ReAlLy WoN shows up as part of your “Absolute Proof” that things are going really well, and by “really well” I mean about as good as a night’s sleep on a MyPillow!
PATRIOTS, we’ve suffered a lot of insane, unhinged, destructive conspiracy theories over the past four years. We’ve bent over backward to excuse and apologize for the CONSPIRACY THEORIST IN CHIEF, and we’ve all come out worse for it. What say we STOP with this INSANE UTTER NONSENSE, and stop letting the My Pillow man book airtime on TV to brainwash TRUMP-SUPPORTING IDIOTS? I think I speak for everyone when I say, get some rest, My Pillow man. Get some rest. You’ve harmed your country proud, and you’re TOO CRAZY, even for US CRAZIES!
Parkland school shooting survivor and gun control advocate David Hogg plans to launch his own pillow company with the goal of competing against embattled bedding company MyPillow. The idea was posed to Hogg, 20, in a tweet from entrepreneur William LeGate on Thursday that questioned whether the duo should start a pillow company to “put MyPillow out of business.”NBC (Nothin’ But Crap) NEWS
PATRIOTS, it’s no secret that Joe Biden’s PREDECESSOR Made America Great Again, already. Greater than it’s ever been, in fact, which is why WE CONSERVATIVE PATRIOTS are so disheartened to see that after a FULL 24 HOURS as president, America under Joe Biden remains the same, intolerant, mindless, sick, scorched HELLSCAPE that it was when PREDECESSOR left office yesterday! I mean, really? What is Biden doing? PREDECESSOR would have fixed all of this already, if he’d ever been President!
Sean Hannity got it right during his FREEDOM HOUR OF FASCISM last night, on day one-half of the TOTALLY ALREADY FAILED Biden Administration, when Hannity said of Biden’s COVID plan, “I thought he was going to do this on day one!”
“WHY HASN’T BIDEN FIXED COVID ON DAY ONE?” Hannity rightly asked of Biden. PREDECESSOR had ONLY just over 365 days to STOP COVID, and Biden GOT A WHOLE ONE!!! Double-standard much, you lying LEFTIST media???
Meanwhile, BIDEN wasted an entire HALF-DAY of being president (the same amount of time it takes Hannity’s LOVER to GOLF) signing 17 executive actions on a range of topics, including the COVID pandemic and rejoining the World Health Organization and the Paris climate accords. LAZY BASTARD! Biden’s PREDECESSOR pardoned over 100 people on his final day! Now, that’s what I call action!
Hannity called Biden “the weak, the frail, the cognitively struggling Biden,” which was a totally ACCURATE description of what LOBOTOMIZED CONSERVATIVES LIKE HANNITY fantasized about while Biden was giving an inarguably coherent and cognitively lucid address, part of his day that saw him not even stop once to TAKE A BREAK TO GO GOLFING OR TWEET. In other words, HANNITY IS RIGHT! BIDEN IS WEAK! SO WEAK HE’S STRONG! IT MAKES SENSE, JUST DON’T THINK ABOUT IT!
And then, in this totally objective and unbiased ASSAULT on the Biden HELL-MINISTRATION, Hannity asked the really important question. No, not the question of, why has HANNITY has abandoned all pretense of objectivity or truth in exchange for riling up the uninformed masses against democracy? HANNITY asked why doesn’t BIDEN work toward unity, while HANNITY continues to sow the seeds of insurrection and domestic terrorism nightly? “For example,” HANNITY suggested, “[Biden] could’ve stopped comparing Republicans to Nazis, like he did a week ago. He could ask his colleagues to stop referring to 75 million peace-loving [PREDECESSOR] supporters as domestic terrorists that support insurrection when they absolutely do not.” Yes, STOP CALLING US WHAT WE ARE, BIDEN. We’re not domestic terrorists and Nazis, we just hate our democratic government and would like to punish everyone who doesn’t look or think like us, and we have many avowed Nazis as prominent members of our political movement! Totally different!
PATRIOTS, we need UNITY, and we CONSERVATIVES sure as hell aren’t going to try to foster it, because there’s too much money being made by Fox News, OAN, and Newsmax for us to ever STOP LYING TO YOU!
But PATRIOTS, fear not because BIDEN has already been involved in a bigger SCANDAL than his PREDECESSOR ever had.
Biden FIRED the General Counsel to the National Labor Relations Board. And, if you’re LIKE most Americans, you’re saying, “What is that?” Well, it doesn’t matter, SHEEPLE!
Or, if you know about this particular general counsel of the NLRB, you might be saying, “Good, because he was one of the foremost opponents of workers’ rights in government, and had been appointed by [PREDECESSOR] specifically to be a sycophant for big business and against unionization.”
OKAY, COMMUNIST! PATRIOTS, all that matters is that Biden did something we can criticize! WE’RE OUTRAGED AT THIS… whatever it was. IT DOESN’T MATTER! The important thing is that WE WILL ATTACK BIDEN HARDER ON THIS SMALL BUREAUCRATIC CHANGE than we ATTACKED [PREDECESSOR] FOR INCITING A TERRORIST ATTACK ON THE U.S. CAPITOL THAT SOUGHT TO END DEMOCRACY AND KILL THE VICE PRESIDENT AND THE SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE!
OR, ANYTHING ELSE [PREDECESSOR] DID TO LITERALLY TRY TO END THE UNITED STATES, FOR THAT MATTER!
LET THE CONSERVATIVE PILE-ON BEGIN! WE CARE ABOUT THIS COUNTRY AGAIN, because we’re no longer the ones with the power to destroy it!
Also, there’s windows being broken at someplace other than the U.S. Capitol? I care about vandalism and rioting again!
PATRIOTS, we conservatives have seen enough. It’s time to DECLARE this Biden presidency a TOTAL AND COMPLETE FAILURE! We put up with a lot of fascism over the last four years, and we didn’t say a word against it, but Biden looked at me the wrong way during that Inaugural Address!
Impeach! Impeach! Impeach!
Today was supposed to be the day, PATRIOTS!
December 14, 2020 was supposed to go down in history as the day when GREATEST PRESIDENT IN HISTORY DONALD J(erkoff) TRUMP ascended to the throne of the REBORN AND MADE GREAT AGAIN American empire on the back of a soaring man-eagle hybrid with the motor-oil-leaking head of Rudy Giuliani atop its feathery neck, with CROOKED Hillary and Lyin’ Joe in its talons, before it subsequently dropped those two DEMOCRATIC HEATHENS into the pit of Mount Doom and then gently deposited Mr. Tangerine Man on the steps of a renovated, gold-plated White House (furthermore to be called the “Gold House”), which would be patriotically adorned with a giant, bold lettered sign that read “Merry Christmas” year-round, just to own the STUPID LIBS.
Instead, PATRIOTIC TRUMPUBLICANS, Joe Biden is being certified as President-Elect by the Electoral College because of FRAUDULENT VOTE COUNTING (also known as the Constitutional process by which democratic elections in the United States have been conducted since the formation of the country).
Yes, Sleepy, Creepy Joe is set to lock up a 306-232 FAKE(real) victory in the Electoral College, which is the Constitutionally-mandated decider of who the next president should be, for some weird-ass reason. Now, heroes of the TRUMPOMAN EMPIRE, my views on the Constitution are well-established by now (I think it’s THE GREATEST DOCUMENT IN HUMAN HISTORY and the basis for all of my core, conservative beliefs), and far be it from me to flip-flop on my UNFLINCHING, CORE PRINCIPLES, but I gotta say, I don’t really care much for that Constitution, and I never did.
In fact, IT TURNS OUT THE CONSTITUTION WAS JUST A SECRET LIB-TARD THE ENTIRE TIME! The Constitution is the Mitt Romney of documents. It tells you that it’s on your side, but when push comes to shove and you try to subvert the will of the people to illegally empower an orange, fascist tangerine with unlimited sway over the future of the world’s most powerful democracy, ol’ lazy, lyin’ Constitution sides with the SICK LOSER LIBS WHO SUPPORT “LIBERAL DEMOCRACY,” just like “pompous ass” Mitt Romney.
I say, we replace that DISGRACEFUL, ANTI-TRUMP U.S. Constitution with a more useful document, like a transcript of tonight’s programming on Newsmax or an unabridged copy of The Art Of The Deal (but get your own copy, America, because like all TRUE CONSERVATIVES, I sleep with my copy of what I call the “good book.”)
Anyway, it’s been a real shit day for us Democracy-overthrowing constitutionalists. Luckily, if it’s a day ending in “day,” that means Donald Trump has not yet conceded defeat in the 2020 presidential election. TRUMP! TRUMP! TRUMP! Inject the DELUSION straight into my veins so that I can feel alive again! (Just like when I saw those guys marching with their tiki-torches!)
Today’s PATRIOTIC promoter of fascism is NAZI-PENIS HYBRID, and Trump White House Child-Separator-In-Chief, Stephen Miller, who says that even though the Electoral College is voting Joe Biden the President-Elect, Donald J(onestown) Trump can totally still be the next president, in this real, totally not-fake universe. He just needs his “alternate” electors, which is a totally real thing that totally exists in the Constitution, and isn’t something he just made up!
The only date in the Constitution is January 20, so we have more than enough time to right the wrong of this fraudulent election and certify Donald Trump as the winner of the election. As we speak, today, an alternate slate of electors in the contested states is going to vote and we are going to send those results up to Congress.”Stephen Miller
Alternate electors! You don’t like the electors who are going to support Biden? Well, just pick some “alternate” ones who will subvert Democracy the way you want! And alternate electors are a totally real thing. Just look at this FACT that I found to support my claim. [Note: insert fact here when you find it.]
And even if the existence of “alternate” electors isn’t FACTUAL, that doesn’t mean it isn’t TRUTH! We all know TRUTH isn’t something you can “prove” with “facts.” Just ask these SANE people who showed up at the Michigan capitol today, claiming to be “alternate” electors who were just there to do their (un)Constitutional duty and cast their REAL VOTE for REAL PRESIDENT Donald Trump.
Then, the LIBERALLY-BIASED POLICE blocked them from entering the capitol and voting to make Donald Trump the next president, just because they had no reason to be there and because, “The electors are already here.” REALLY, OFFICER? The electors are already here? You know what else was already here? The MAIL-IN VOTES FOR JOE BIDEN THAT WEREN’T COUNTED UNTIL AFTER ELECTION DAY, and we all know those were FAKE(real).
And just because there’s ABSOLUTELY NOTHING in the Constitution about having “alternate” electors, that doesn’t mean it’s not a CONSTITUTIONAL VIOLATION to stop them from VOTING TRUMP like GOOD PATRIOTS!
These THOUGHT(actual) POLICE had no reason to block PATRIOTIC, anti-DEMOCRACY Trump supporters from entering the capitol to make their voices heard, either.
Because there were “credible threats of violence” made against the vote?
Sounds like more LIBERAL PROPAGANDA to me, and Michigan GOP Lawmaker Gary Eisen, thought so, too, which is why he amplified those threats of violence in a radio interview this morning.
Eisen twice hinted that violence could occur related to a “Hail Mary” effort by him and other GOP lawmakers to block the Electoral College’s electors selection of Biden, a Democrat, over President Donald Trump, a Republican.
His interviewer on WPHM-AM said he was “concerned about violence today in Lansing,” given Eisen’s vague description of what Republicans planned to do.
The interviewer then asked Eisen, “Can you assure me that this is going to be a safe day in Lansing, nobody’s going to get hurt?”
The lawmaker paused and then said, “No.”
“I don’t know, because what we’re doing today is uncharted, it hasn’t been done, and it’s not me doing it, it’s the Michigan House, it’s the Michigan party … I’m just here to witness,” said Eisen, who represents St. Clair Township.CNBC
And just for that simple, straightforward plea for PEACE, Gary Eisen was stripped of his committee assignments by Michigan Republican leaders, AKA LIBERAL LEFTISTS, just because ““We as elected officials must be clear that violence has no place in our democratic process. We must be held to a higher standard.”
Hogwash! If there’s one thing America has learned from Republicans’ blind support of PRESIDENT T’s abuse of power, corruption, bungled leadership, and vulgar public behavior, it’s that CONSERVATIVE POLITICIANS MUST ALWAYS BE HELD TO A LOWER STANDARD!
And that’s why HEROIC, CHILD-SEPARATING NAZI Stephen Miller can insist that the 2020 election is being fraudulently stolen (by legal votes) from LIBERTY-LOVING authoritarian Trump, and, in the same breath, Miller can argue that Donald Trump’s team of lawyers aren’t the worst lawyers in the world even though they’ve lost over 50 attempts to make that argument in court, despite arguing in front of judges who are supposedly loyal to the anti-democracy cause because they were appointed by Trump.
And, if you, LOYAL TRUMPER, are watching that scene of seeming insanity, and cognitive dissonance unfolding at the highest levels of your country, and unfolding in a way that is so incompetent that it tests even the patience of the Trump-loving hosts of Fox And Friends, just remember, this is ALL GOING GREAT!
Why? Because CONSERVATIVE POLITICIANS MUST ALWAYS BE HELD TO A LOWER STANDARD! Duh!
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