PATRIOTS, the old saying goes, “Screw you! We’re from Texas!” Well, NUMBER ONE PATRIOT LYIN’ TED CRUZ might have just come up with a better saying: “Screw you, Texas! I’m going to Mexico!” With millions of residents in his state suffering under dangerous freezing conditions, blackouts, no heat, and lack of potable water, this LYIN’ of the Senate did what any TRUE TRUMPIAN HERO would have done! He got the f*** out of there!
Ted flew off to SAFETY in the country he HATES the most, Mexico! Cancun to be exact! And he left his LOSER and SUCKER constituents to take care of themselves, because, like one CONSERVATIVE MAYOR in Ted’s state RIGHTLY scolded the suffering recently, “If you were sitting at home in the cold because you have no power and are sitting there waiting for someone to come rescue you because your lazy is direct result of your raising!”
Smart and literate!
Luckily, the former president’s border wall to keep the drug dealers and “rapists” out of Texas didn’t stop Lyin’s jet from making it to safety on the other side of it. IN MEXICO!
I’M NOT COGNITIVELY DISSONANT! YOU ARE, LIB!
LIBERALS WERE ALL OVER THE STORY of Lyin’ Ted’s HEROIC flee, which was first reported by notable LIB RAG, Fox News!
But, PATRIOTS, just because this ACT OF VALOR by Lyin’ Ted makes him look like the most callous, insensitive jerk who ever served in Congress, which is really saying something, THE LIBS ARE STILL MISSING THE POINT! What was Lyin’ supposed to do?!?! Help?
Puh-lease, libs! Nobody’s helping. Except Beto O’Rourke, that Democratic LOSER who LOST his senate bid against Lyin’ Ted, yet still helps suffering people in his state, LIKE A SUCKER! LIB! SHAME! LIB!
Hey, BEEE-TO, nobody needs help here! We’re just fine! In fact, we’re just fine without power or potable water! At least, that’s what Former Governor Rick Perry says, and he KNOWS ALMOST NOTHING ABOUT ANYTHING, so he probably KNOWS A LOT about the opinions of his suffering and freezing former constituents.
“Texans would be without electricity for longer than three days to keep the federal government out of their business… Try not to let whatever the crisis of the day is take your eye off of having a resilient grid…”Former Texas Governor Rick Perry
Which Texas doesn’t have because… communism, I guess?
Things are going SO GOOD in Cruz’s home state of TEXAS that people aren’t even worried about not having electricity anymore (because they don’t have water now, either).
“Scores of Texans were under notice to boil tap water before drinking it after days of record low temperatures damaged infrastructure, caused blackouts and froze water pipes.“FAKE NEWS NBC (NOTHING BUT CRAP) News
LIBS just don’t get it. While they’re suffering UNDER SOCIALIST, LIB-O-CRATIC leadership in their big city, ivory towers with their… heat… and drinking water, they don’t understand the JOYS OF REAL FREEDOM. Freedom to SUFFER AND DIE FOR REPUBLICAN CONTROL OF OUR COUNTRY WITHOUT BIG, LIB GUBMINT TELLING ME TO LIVE!
Absolutely NOBODY in Texas needs any HELP from Lyin’ Ted Cruz, anyway. Except the kids in hospitals with no flushing toilets, AKA Scum-o-crats.
[A]t least two hospitals in the Austin metro area were being evacuated on Wednesday night due to a lack of hot water and heat. Matt Largey, an editor at Austin’s NPR station KUT, tweeted out a statement from St. David’s South Austin Medical Center on Wednesday that confirmed that the hospital was in the process of evacuating some of its “just under 300 patients” from the facility after it “lost water pressure today from the City of Austin.” … Minutes later, Largey reported that Dell Children’s Medical Center, a pediatric hospital located in Austin, was also without power. In an accompanying statement from the hospital sent from a source, officials confirmed that “extreme weather conditions” had resulted in the facility experiencing “interruptions in service,” and noted that the toilets there did not currently have “flushing capabilities.”Gizmodo
Flushing toilets at children’s hospitals are overrated anyway. You gotta teach those kids about FREE MARKET ECONOMICS early, or else they’ll never understand later why they’re being forced to freeze to death without drinking water so their Senators can take a vacation in Mexico–I mean, so capitalism.
The answer to that question, of course, is GUNS. Don’t get it? That’s because you’re a socialist! SOCIALIST!
NOTED CONSERVATIVE CRIMINAL Dinesh D’Souza gets it. WHAT IS LYIN’ TED SUPPOSED TO DO? Flying to Mexico and abandoning his state is actually the MOST HELPFUL thing Lyin’ Ted can do! That’s effective leadership!
Ted Cruz REALLY IS THE BEST! He’s helping more than anyone else, by NOT HELPING AT ALL! It’s called pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps, Texas. Sure, you don’t have drinking water, or heat, or for some, life, but think of all the things you still DO HAVE! Like, GUNS! And…
I can’t think of anything else, but, the important thing is that you remember, you’re suffering so that you can be free! Or, so the owner of the Dallas Cowboys can make money, I guess. SAME THING!
Comstock Resources chief financial officer Roland Burns acknowledged that the company had “hit the jackpot” as it sold gas from its Haynesville Shale wells in East Texas on the spot market for a price between $15 and $179 per cubic feet… “This week is like hitting the jackpot with some of these incredible prices,” Burns said during an earnings call on Wednesday… [Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry] Jones… controls a 73 percent share in Comstock, according to the company’s 2020 proxy statement.Newsweek
Hey, it might seem bad, Texas, but just remember… guns. No big government LIBS will be able to pry them from your FROZEN hands now!
PATRIOTS, there’s nothing I hate more than a RIGGED SYSTEM! That’s why I supported TRUMP supporters’ PATRIOTIC efforts to overthrow the government and end democracy. Because the system was rigged! The election was rigged against TRUMP! Democrats are trying to impeach TRUMP because they don’t understand that RIGGED THINGS ARE BAD! TRUMP IS GOOD! And that’s why I totally support the GOP’S effort to RIG the impeachment trial FOR TRUMP!
You see, RIGGING is BAD, unless you’re RIGGING FOR TRUMP! That’s just being fair!
So, let us RIG THIS F***ING SYSTEM LIKE IT’S NEVER BEEN RIGGED BEFORE! TO STOP THE STEAL!
TO STEAL THE STOPPING OF THE STEAL!
And 3 Republican Senators are doing their PATRIOTIC AMERICAN part to rig the case of TRUMP v. AMERICA in favor of Trump and against America. These three SENATE HEROES are going to serve as the jurors who will deliver a verdict in this impeachment case, and while many of them did not have precious time to listen to the EVIL, factual arguments made against TRUMP by the prosecution in this case, these IMPARTIAL, PATRIOTIC JURORS did have time for a 70 MINUTE LONG MEETING WITH THE TRUMP DEFENSE LAWYERS to discuss “‘sharing our thoughts’ about their legal strategy,” CNN reports.
Sens. Lindsey Graham of South Carolina, Ted Cruz of Texas and Mike Lee of Utah were spotted going into a room in the US Capitol that Trump’s lawyers were using to prepare for their arguments.
Trump lawyer David Schoen said that the senators were “very friendly guys” who just wanted to make sure they were “familiar with procedure” on the eve of their rebuttal to the House impeachment managers’ presentation.
When asked if it’s appropriate to meet with senators during the trial, Schoen said, “Oh yeah, I think that’s the practice of impeachment.”
“There’s nothing about this thing that has any semblance of due process whatsoever,” he added.CNN (CLINTON (FAKE) NEWS NETWORK)
Yes, there’s “no semblance of due process whatsoever” in this trial, AND THAT’S JUST HOW REPUBLICANS LIKE IT, because that’s the only way that the president who incited a mob to try to kill the Vice President and Speaker of the House WILL GET AWAY WITH HIS CRIMES!
GOP, WE LOVE CRIMES! And, we also love a jury that will VOLUNTARILY TAMPER WITH ITSELF! Now that’s what I call integrity. These CONSERVATIVE HEROES have so much f***ing integrity that they willingly go on TV and tell the American people that the entire trial of TRUMP is a TOTAL SHAM because the Republican senators on the jury are also HELPING THE DEFENSE strategize on how to get away with its crimes. That’s even more astonishing, because the crime the defense is accused of is LITERALLY TRYING TO MURDER the jury! Dang!
That’s some next level BOOTLICKING!
I hope Trump rewards these ASS-KISSERS with another attempt to incite a riot against them! They deserve it!
And you know it was a PERFECTLY INNOCENT meeting between a guilty defendant’s legal team and the JURORS that they need to help them PATRIOTICALLY RIG the case, because just look how eager Senator Lindsey Graham is to share what was discussed in this perfectly SANE and RIGHT meeting that he participated in with the TRUMP LAWYERS!
Just LOOK AT THE SPEED at which he ran from those questions! EVERYTHING’S ON THE UP AND UP HERE! NOTHING TO SEE!
Now, of course, SOME STUPID LIBS were TRIGGERED by Republican Senators’ total refusal to protect their own branch of government from a violent, anti-democratic attack, but that’s just because LIBS, like all EVIL LEFTISTS are STUPID!
Sorry, LEFTISTS, but you’re STUPID. Does the jury agree?
Case closed, LIBS!
But, just in case that doesn’t sway your little PEA BRAINS, here’s some straight shootin’ from ol’ TEXAS LYIN’ TED! He’s rustlin’ up some facts for FAKE NEWS CNN!
When asked if he’s now comfortable with the Trump team’s legal strategy, Cruz said, “I think the end result of this impeachment trial is crystal clear to everybody.”
“Donald Trump will be acquitted,” he added. “It takes 67 votes to convict him and every person in the Senate chamber understands that there are not the votes to convict, nor should there be.”(FAKE FALSE STUPID LAME) CNN
“And if there’s one thing that could change anyone’s mind, it’s LITERALLY ANY OF THE EVIDENCE,” Lyin’ Ted (probably) added, “which is why I’m going to go in a room and shove my huge, potato-shaped head right up TRUMP’S ass for the next 70 minutes to make sure I don’t hear any of it.”
THANKS FOR DEFENDING THE CONSTITUTION, LYIN’ TED, LINDSEY GRAHAM, AND MIKE LEE! You three stand for nothing, just the way TRUMP likes it!
PATRIOTS, there’s nothing I love more than the RESPECTFUL PLAYING of OUR AMERICAN NATIONAL ANTHEM! I bleed RED, WHITE AND BLUE, and I SING PROUDLY every time I hear it played before a GAME OF SPORT (when I feel like it, which is rarely), or at least, I mock conduct an imaginary orchestra in the most sarcastic way possible, LIKE OUR GREATEST AMERICA-HATING PRESIDENT!
But PATRIOTS, I am sad to report there will be NO MORE playing of OUR NATIONAL ANTHEM, because, starting today, AMERICA IS NOW OFFICIALLY DEAD! The communists killed it!
And, by communists, I mean the America-hating bastard who runs one of the franchises of the NATIONAL BASKETBALL (& SOCIALISM) ASSOCIATION, Mark Cuban, owner of the NBA’s Dallas Mavericks! Mark Cuban is a well known LEFTIST SCUM, who has criticized Former President Donald Trump, which automatically makes him one of the most EVIL threats to freedom that the human race has ever seen. Now, MARX CUBAN (is he American or Cuban? Pick a side DEVIL-MAN!) has directed his team to stop playing the national anthem before home games.
Cuban … made the decision after consulting with NBA commissioner Adam Silver. The Mavericks did not announce the change in policy, but the national anthem has not been played before any of their 13 preseason and regular-season games at the American Airlines Center this season.ESPN (Extremely Socialist Pelosi Network)
And because the WEAK-KNEED NBA has refused to FORCE it’s teams to RESPECT OUR GODDAMN COUNTRY IN THE WAY I SEE FIT, now it appears every team can just do whatever the hell they want! They can stop playing the anthem, just because it has nothing to do with sports. Hell, they can even start calling for social justice and racial equality! What is this, COMMUNIST CHINA?!?!?!?
Unlike Former President Trump, who criticized the “son-of-a-bitch” athletes who kneeled during the anthem, CUBAN has been DISMANTLING OUR FREEDOM one step at a time, with his encouragement of EVIL, SOCIALIST KNEELING during the anthem. He said last year that, “When our players in the NBA do what’s in their heart, when they do what they feel represents who they are and look to move this country forward when it comes to race relationships, I think that’s a beautiful thing and I’ll be proud of them.”
Okay CUBAN, go back to CUBA! What’s that? He was born in Pittsburgh, PA? Well, I don’t give a Schumer! He sounds like a foreigner to me! That’s strike one! And banning OUR ANTHEM is STRIKE THREE! Let me put this in a basketball analogy for you, CUBAN! Three strikes and you’re out!
This AMERICA-HATER is so caught up in racial equality that he’s forgetting what this country was founded on: blind allegiance to government!
Instead, Cuban says, “The National Anthem Police in this country are out of control. If you want to complain, complain to your boss and ask why they don’t play the National Anthem every day before you start work.”
I agree! Why isn’t my boss playing the National Anthem every morning at work, with the VOLUME ALL THE WAY UP SO WE GET THE FREEDOM BORED INTO OUR SKULLS?!?!?! I say every workplace in America needs to start playing the National Anthem every day!
CONSERVATIVE VALUES ARE UNDER ATTACK with this decision!
Why isn’t Fox News playing the anthem every day, all day? Do they hate FREEDOM? Are they liberals? I say we STORM Fox News unless they start PLAYING THE ANTHEM at the beginning of every workday! Actually, it should just play on loop. Otherwise, FOX is America’s new enemy number one! Otherwise, the TERRORISTS WIN!
PATRIOTS, as a PROUD REPUBLICAN and CONSERVATIVE, there’s nothing I’m more committed to than supporting ABSOLUTE, STARK RAVING MAD LUNATICS. You know who I’m talking about, people like Donald Trump, Marjorie Taylor Greene, Jeanine Pirro, and Ol’ Head-leaker, himself, Rudy Giuliani. Until today, I also considered My Pillow founder Mike Lindell part of that ILLUSTRIOUS LIST OF LUNATICS! But, PATRIOTS, I gotta admit, Lindell, is starting to seem a little TOO CRAZY even for me, a committed TRUMP ALLY and STRONG OPPONENT OF REALITY.
I stood by Lindell when he falsely claimed a poisonous plant could magically CURE Covid. I backed him when he tried to convince the president to IMPOSE MARTIAL LAW and seize the U.S. government from the lyin’ LIBERALS who won the election fair and square. Hell, I even supported Lindell when he kept trying to make us all buy his SHITTY PILLOWS! But, in the last few days, it’s starting to seem like Mike Lindell is gone into coo-coo crazy town on the batshit express!
A few days ago, he had to be THROWN OFF THE AIR while on NEWSMAX–NEWSMAX! The same NEWSMAX that allowed a Trump campaign lawyer to claim on its airwaves, unchallenged, that a former Trump official should be executed! Executed! Yes, Mike Lindell was THROWN OFF that NEWSMAX for being TOO CRAZY! Think about that for a second!
Lindell went on NEWSMAX to explain why he was being cancelled by TWITTER, after Twitter suspended his account for posting unhinged and provably false claims about the 2020 election being stolen from TRUMP. This INJUSTICE, as NEWSMAX and ALL CONSERVATIVES rightly understood, was the result of the LEFT’S EVIL AND OVERZEALOUS CANEL CULTURE!!! But, wouldn’t you know it, when Lindell went on NEWSMAX to spout the EXACT SAME CLAIMS that got him “CANCELLED FROM TWITTER,” the people on Conservative NEWSMAX said, “Shit, you know what? This guy is crazy! Like certifiably nuts! We gotta get him off our air before we get sued! We gotta CANCEL HIM!!!”
NEWSMAX anchor Bob Sellers literally walked the off set of his own show while Mike Lindell was talking! Think about how crazy the shit you are saying has to be in order to make a NEWSMAX anchor walk off the set of his own, in-progress show, because he’s SO AFRAID of being associated with the demented insanity that you are spewing! Imagine that! That’s where Mike Lindell is right now on the CRAZY SCALE!!! TOO CRAZY to speak on Newsmax!
He said, “Bye-bye pillow!”
But, that wasn’t the CRAZIEST THING Mike Lindell did this week. NOT BY A LONG SHOT!
On Friday morning, Lindell appeared in a three-hour “documentary” that he made, which aired on the OTHER wildly, irresponsible, Trump-supporting channel, One America News Network! The OANN special, which OANN DID NOT create and REFUSED to be associated with, (besides, I guess allowing Lindell to buy out time on its airwaves to show it) purported to expose the “Absolute Proof” that Donald Trump actually won the 2020 election. “Absolute Proof” was even the name of Lindell’s special, which you won’t be surprised to read, contained no proof, and not even conjecture, but was merely three hours of Mike Lindell ranting and raving in his pillow-hocking voice about things that are both PROVABLY FALSE and TOTALLY INSANE. The only thing this special was “Absolute Proof” of, was that Mike Lindell’s CRAZY could power a small city!
Like all ABSOLUTE PROOFS of Donald Trump’s victory, it starts with a 1:31 long DISCLAIMER about how the claims about to be made by “Michael James Lindell” are SO CRAZY, that even ONE AMERICA NEWS NETWORK, the blindly-Trump-supporting channel that EMPLOYS AN ACTUAL KREMLIN PROPAGANDIST, DISAVOWS ALL OF THESE WILD CLAIMS, and that “the… claims expressed in this program… are not intended to be taken or interpreted by the viewer as established facts.” READ THAT AGAIN SO YOU UNDERSTAND EXACTLY WHAT IT’S SAYING, because that’s a pretty bold claim for a channel that calls itself a “News Network.”
OANN makes clear that it’s airing this special purely for profit, but knows it’s total bullshit, and would really like to not be named in any of the billions of dollars of lawsuits that are being filed against conservative media by the voting companies that they’ve been lying about.
So it’s, you know, NEWS!
And LINDELL’S claims that followed that AMAZING DISCLAIMER certainly lived up to their billing.
“The first miracle was on election night, and on election night at 11:15 at night, the algorithms on these machines broke, basically broke, and this’ll be explained during this show, but they broke. What that means is Donald Trump got so many more millions of votes that they didn’t expect that they’re going to have to go recalibrate, right?”Algorithm EXPERT and My Pillow Man
Riiiiiiiiiiiiiggghhhtttt. Okay, but what is your Absolute Proof?
Nothing? Okay, got it.
“The big thing was the theft by these other countries that came in to attack our country through these machines that are made to steal elections. Every election going forward in history if these things would have happened, these two, and we would have never known, every single vote you would have ever made wouldn’t have mattered. Somebody else would have made that vote. And we’ve all seen in this past month, you think it wasn’t communists coming in and taking us over? With people here. This is an attack not only on those other countries with communism, but they had domestic traitors right here in our country. Whatever’s going on right now, we’re seeing it. They’re suppressing. Cancel culture. They’re trying to cancel us all out. I have seen churches, the Christian churches, they’re being attacked right now. People on social media, anyone that speaks up, they’re going, ‘You can’t say that.’ It’s like, you’re gone. Right now they’re doing whack-a-mole because they knew they were so close, so close that we would never know in history what happened.”An ELECTIONS EXPERT Who Makes Cheap Pillows
Okay, so as a person who hates America as much as I love TRUMP, TRUMP, TRUMP, I want this to be true. But, I’m afraid it sounds more like a guy who makes pillows is high on cocaine and trying to convince me of something that makes no sense. What’s that? That’s EXACTLY what this is? Oh.
Would you like to see more of this NON-FACTUAL “proof”? No?
What’s that, your head hurts? Oh, well, here’s some more claims by MIKE LINDELL.
You know that when the DRUNK WOMAN who was nationally mocked for her INSANE, RIDICULOUS, NONSENSICAL RAMBLING about how tRuMp ReAlLy WoN shows up as part of your “Absolute Proof” that things are going really well, and by “really well” I mean about as good as a night’s sleep on a MyPillow!
PATRIOTS, we’ve suffered a lot of insane, unhinged, destructive conspiracy theories over the past four years. We’ve bent over backward to excuse and apologize for the CONSPIRACY THEORIST IN CHIEF, and we’ve all come out worse for it. What say we STOP with this INSANE UTTER NONSENSE, and stop letting the My Pillow man book airtime on TV to brainwash TRUMP-SUPPORTING IDIOTS? I think I speak for everyone when I say, get some rest, My Pillow man. Get some rest. You’ve harmed your country proud, and you’re TOO CRAZY, even for US CRAZIES!
Parkland school shooting survivor and gun control advocate David Hogg plans to launch his own pillow company with the goal of competing against embattled bedding company MyPillow. The idea was posed to Hogg, 20, in a tweet from entrepreneur William LeGate on Thursday that questioned whether the duo should start a pillow company to “put MyPillow out of business.”NBC (Nothin’ But Crap) NEWS
PATRIOTS, there are a lot of things I won’t tolerate. Communism, Government regulation, Fast Food restaurants getting my order wrong. But at the top of that list is SPINELESS COWARDS! That’s why I was so RELIEVED to find out that House Republican Leader Kevin McCarthy is a man of COURAGE AND PRINCIPLE, not like those STUPID LIBS! McCarthy says what he means, and you know when he speaks, it comes from the HEART. He’s a straight shooter.
That’s why, when confronted with the difficult decision over whether to punish a member of his own party who helped incite the Capitol Insurrection, called for the execution of Democrats, spread ridiculous anti-semitic claims, and promoted dangerous QAnon claims, McCarthy chose to PATRIOTICALLY LIE and say, “I don’t know what any of that is. Gosh, I’m just a simple COUNTRY BOY from California. I don’t know what nothin’ about runnin’ a political caucus. Q-what? I talked to that crazy lady, and boy howdy, she sure sounded nice to me, but I don’t much remember ’bout what she was on about, and I can’t even repeat it myself, but, it was some good ‘splainin’. You can take my word on that!”
I’m paraphrasing, of course.
“I think it would be helpful if you could hear exactly what she told all us, denouncing Q-on, I don’t know if I say it right, I don’t even know what it is– any from the shootings, she said she knew nothing about lasers, or all the different things that have been brought up about her.”GOP Leader Kevin “SPINELESS PATRIOT” McCarthy
McCarthy will not punish Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA), who has not publicly disavowed any of the WILD, DANGEROUS INCITEMENTS she has uttered. Why won’t McCarthy punish her? Because she said something to him in private, and he can’t seem to articulate what it was, but now, it’s all good. Trust him.
Is Taylor Greene going to publicly walk back her claims that Democrats should be executed with a bullet to the head, or that Jews built a space laser to start the California wildfires, or that all school shootings were FALSE FLAG OPERATIONS, with fake dead children, so that the government could take PATRTIOTS’ GUNS AWAY?
The important thing is that we just move on from this REAL CRISIS OF GOVERNANCE, in order to focus on IMAGINARY DEMOCRATIC SCANDALS, like Hidin’ Joe Biden’s senility.
And never mind that even the MOST CYNICAL RIGHT WING LUNATIC has called Marjorie Taylor Greene a “cancer.” That don’t bother McCarthy what nothin’!
In fact, Kevin McCarthy, REPUBLICAN LEADER, is so sure he DOESN’T EVEN KNOW what QAnon, or “Q-on” as he calls it, is, he said SIX MONTHS AGO that he denounces QAnon!
Now, stupid LIBS will say that this PROVES that Kevin McCarthy is a FULL OF S***, SPINELESS COWARD who will burn our country to the ground before he admonishes the dangerous behavior of even the most LOWLY LUNATIC in his caucus. BUT THE LIBS ARE STUPID! They don’t get it! They only see the FACTS IN FRONT OF THEIR FACES AND NOT THE BIGGER TRUTH!
The TRUTH, sheeple, is that Kevin McCarthy did not FLIP FLOP. He didn’t lie to protect a violent, deranged gun nut 9/11 truther’s place on the House Education Committee! Clearly, the most obvious explanation is that Kevin McCarthy was replaced by a BODY DOUBLE, a Democratic Double Agent, manufactured in a lab run by George Soros! THAT BODY DOUBLE, Qevin McQarthy, learned all about QAnon, and denounced it, LIKE A SICK, TWISTED LEFTIST WHO LOVES AMERICA! But, then, surprise, the real Kevin McCarthy escaped from the SPACE PRISON where Barack Obama was holding him hostage, AFTER BEAMING HIM UP WITH GEORGE SOROS’ JEWISH SPACE LASER, and McCarthy beamed back down to Earth to tell everyone the truth: THAT HE HAS NO IDEA what Q-ON is, and HE TOTALLY SUPPORTS EVERYONE WHO SUPPORTS IT, despite not knowing what it is.
And also, as he said in a statement, “Past comments from and endorsed by Marjorie Taylor Greene on school shootings, political violence, and anti-Semitic conspiracy theories do not represent the values or beliefs of the House Republican Conference.” There you go!
THAT makes so much more sense than KEVIN MCCARTHY IS A SPINELESS COWARD!
Kevin McCarthy. Hero. Cry more, lib!
Unfortunately, Kevin McCarthy can’t save Marjorie Taylor Greene’s VALUABLE PLACE on the House Education Committee. It looks like SOROS and the JEWS win again! The Dems are likely to VOTE her off her committee assignments later today.
PATRIOTS, Larry Kudlow has been the dumbest guy in the room for a long time, and you have to admire him for being SO GOOD AT IT. For example, in 2005, he said people predicting a real estate crash were “dead wrong,” and just because HE turned out to be dead wrong, that didn’t stop him from predicting in 2007 that “there is no recession,” right before something called the GREAT Recession, and just because he turned out to be wrong about that, too, that didn’t stop him from making a whole bunch of other wrong predictions for a decade, until he FAILED ALL THE WAY up to being Biden’s PREDECESSOR’S TOP ECONOMIC ADVISER, where, in February 2020, right before COVID crashed the stock market, he told Americans it would be a good time to buy stocks. All of this must have been rather hard, considering that although he served as the PREDECESSOR’S economic adviser, he was not, in reality, an ECONOMIST. And so, it should come as no surprise PATRIOTS, that LARRY KUDLOW continues to be invited on FOX NEWS and FOX BUSINESS to say very WRONG AND DUMB THINGS, WRONG AND DUMB THINGS TO REPUBLICANS ABOUT DEMOCRATS, LIKE ALL GOOD AMERICANS DO! What I’m trying to say here is, HE’S A REAL AMERICAN PATRIOT!
Now, KUDLOW’S dropped another KNOWLEDGE TURD, that STINKS to high heavens, this time about BIDEN! SLEEPY, HIDIN’ BIDEN! ENEMY OF THE PEOPLE who’s trying to pass the economic aid for the American people that TRUMP PROMISED BUT NEVER DELIVERED! FAKE economist Larry Kudlow said on Maria Bartiromo’s FAKE business TV show on the FAKE news channel Fox Business Network, that he didn’t know “Whether [Biden’s] an empty vessel for the far left wing of his party,” and when asked whether Biden understood what he was signing with executive orders he’d signed, he replied, “That’s a good question,” (it was not) before he refused to say whether Biden is “alert or not alert.”
And just because Larry Kudlow was clearly lying, like he has lied and been wrong for his entire career, and just because there’s no evidence that Biden is “not alert,” that doesn’t mean we, AS PATRIOTS AND CONSERVATIVES, can’t pretend KUDLOW WAS TELLING THE TRUTH! Biden is DERANGED! He’s ILL and WEAK. How do I know? Because I don’t rely on LAZY, LIBERAL FACTS to reach my conclusions! I find TRUTH that I WANT TO BE TRUE, and I find my TRUTH in the same place FOX BUSINESS NETWORK AND MARIA BARTIROMO AND LARRY KUDLOW do, right up TRUMP’S BUTTHOLE! MMM, smells like McDonald’s up here! Why would we ever leave?!?!?!
Kudlow also said during this “interview” that President Biden, “may be, really, given his first couple weeks, the most left wing president we’ve ever seen.” He said, the Democratic Party “has moved a hundred yards to the left” and “way to the left of Barack Obama.” Again, it was a PERFECTLY GOOD CONCLUSION, as long as you don’t worry about any LEFTIST FACTS! Biden is the most radical, left-wing nut job ever to hold office, and I know this because I WANT IT TO BE TRUE!
What’s Biden doing right now, you ask? He’s working on sending out those checks TRUMP wanted to send? EVIL! COMMUNIST! SOCIALIST!
The libs GOT TRIGGERED by this TRUTH!
NEWSFLASH: PEOPLE LIKE LARRY KUDLOW LOVE AMERICA! AND BY LOVE, I MEAN HATE! They’re what we call PATRIOTS, okay?
If the government isn’t doing something for them, namely letting them pretend they’re qualified to have a job in it, then IT’S RADICAL, LEFTIST, COMMUNIST, and any of the other BAD “ISTS” you can think of! They stand for exactly one thing! THEMSELVES! “If TRUMP’S BUTTHOLE CAN GET BACK INTO THE WHITE HOUSE,” they think, “I CAN TOO! ‘CAUSE MY HEAD’S STILL IN IT!”
PATRIOTS, I’m no fan of BIG HOLLYWOOD, and their sick, creepy billionaire Satanist pedophiles. But I took notice of MOVIES, perhaps for the first time ever, this morning, when HUMAN MY PILLOW and Republican Senator Thaddeus “Ted” Cruz came in like a HEAT-SEEKING MISSILE with a HOT TAKE on HOLLYWOOD HYPOCRISY! On his show, “Verdict with Ted Cruz,” which is a thing NOT A SINGLE HUMAN ON EARTH had ever heard of before RIGHT NOW, Ted said, BAD GUYS IN MOVIES ARE LEFTISTS! BOOM! Owned, LIBS! GAME OVER! TAKE YOUR BALL AND GO HOME! The lying, communist movies of Hollywood have just told you an INDISPUTABLE TRUTH!
“Have you noticed in how many movies how often rabid environmentalists are the bad guys? Whether it’s Thanos or go to ‘Watchmen.’ The view of the Left is people are a disease”LYIN’ TRUTHIN’ TED!
Now, PATRIOTS, I know there’s a lot of real news out there to distract us, but let’s FOCUS UP for a second and take Lyin’ Ted at his word. He’s making two great points, here, and both are TOTALLY, INDISPUTABLY TRUE! 1.) Yes, THANOS and WATCHMEN are environmentalists. 2.) THANOS and WATCHMEN are LEFTISTS! EVIL! 3.) LEFTIST Hollywood made Thanos the environmentalist, which we’re supposed to root for, so we’re supposed to root for Thanos… because he’s actually the HERO, or something? EVIL! EVIL!
That’s three? SCREW YOU, LEFTIST. I use ALTERNATIVE MATH!
Unfortunately, some SICK LEFTIST IDIOTS who’ve never done anything other than make the movies and TV shows Lyin’ Ted references, are DISAGREEING. EVIL LEFTISTS! EVIL! EVIL!
Excuse me, Lila, but I think Lyin’ Ted knows a little more about the Watchmen than you do! His favorite character is Rorschach, a guy who the CREATOR OF WATCHMEN once said was meant “to be a bad example.”
I meant him to be a bad example, but I have people come up to me in the street saying, ‘I am Rorschach! That is my story!’ And I’ll be thinking, ‘Yeah, great, can you just keep away from me and never come anywhere near me again for as long as I live?’”Alan Moore (LOSER)
Ted’s GONNA TED, baby! He IS the bad example. As bad an example as the environmentalist, THANOS, who, like all environmentalists, WANTS TO KILL HALF OF THE LIFE IN THE UNIVERSE! That’s why environmentalists are working so hard to STOP CONSERVATIVES from filling the atmosphere with HEALTHY, LIFE GIVING SMOG and TOXIC WASTE! They don’t RESPECT LIFE!
But Lyin’ is also demonstrating a deep knowledge of Marvel lore with his Thanos reference. Ted’s got a long history of making comparisons between Thanos and LEFTIST SCUM, and with good reason, because in September 2019 it was reported that Democratic Socialist Bernie Sanders had announced that THANOS would be his running mate. It was announced by none other than NOTED NUTCASE, Ted Cruz! And, just because that joke turned out to be neither TRUE nor FUNNY, it was still true. LEFTISTS are just like THANOS. “The view of the left,” as TED says, “is that people are a disease.” As, opposed to the views of CONSERVATIVE REPUBLICANS, whose view is that “people should have a disease. Namely COVID.”
PATRIOTS, in the last 24 hours I’ve gone from KNOWING ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about the stock market to BEING A CERTIFIED EXPERT (certified by myself and Trump University only) and in that time, I’ve come to really ROOT FOR these people who are manipulating the market. No, I’m not talking about the REGULAR PEOPLE who wisely exploited the greed of the wealthy hedge fund managers to make about $5 billion dollars in the last few days. I’m talking about the LITTLE GUY, the hedge fund manager, the greedy, Wall Street corporate raider who everyday puts billions of dollars of other people’s money ON THE LINE, just so he can come home to put food on the table for his family on their yacht! Well, today, THE LITTLE GUYS FINALLY WON! They took THEIR BLOODMONEY back from the REGULAR PEOPLE who STOLE IT FAIR AND SQUARE.
You see, recently, the Robinhood stock trading app allowed millions of ordinary people to outsmart the wealthy, powerful FAT CATS of Wall Street by buying up stocks that the FAT CATS had irresponsibly and possibly illegally shorted (a complicated term that’s too complicated for you, peasants). The FAT CATS reportedly LOST $5 billion dollars. Yep, they really had those FAT CATS over a barrel… until today, when the FAT CATS were bailed out by some apparently illegal HEROICS by… yep, you guessed it, Robinhood! Robinhood said they were going to STOP SELLING CERTAIN STOCKS, which is a totally NORMAL thing for a brokerage to do, DEFINITELY NOT (NOT) ILLEGAL, and they just happened to stop selling all the SAME STOCKS that regular people were making a lot of money off of. And wouldn’t you know it, Robinhood is actually RUN BY THE FAT CATS!
In the process, AVERAGE JOE GREEDYPACK lost everything he’d earned fair and square, LIKE A COMMUNIST!
Turns out, when you make too much money on Wall Street but you live on Main Street, your own stock broker who claims to be on your side will step in and say, “Hey man, you’re making too much money, so for your own protection, I’m going to turn off your money hose and give some of your money back to the rich people that had it yesterday!” As a CONSERVATIVE PATRIOT, I couldn’t be HAPPIER ABOUT THIS!
You see, over the last FOUR years, I’ve come to fully support and endorse FASCISM, and I’m proud to say, that’s what this appears to be. FASCISM! PATRIOTIC AND UNILATERAL! And, why wouldn’t we have expected TRADING OF VALUABLE STOCKS TO BE UNILATERALLY STOPPED by the firm whose motto is, quite truly, “LET THE PEOPLE TRADE”? And, by “trade,” they of course mean, “restricting transactions for certain securities to position closing only.” And by that, they mean, “making sure the reckless hedge funds that own us make more money than our customers.”
And by that, they mean, “doing patently illegal things because we’ll never get put in jail for it.” And by that, they mean, “we should probably change our name to SherrifOfNottingham.”
All this can be really confusing for people who don’t have DEGREES in finance and work on Wall Street, and, therefore, STUPIDLY think they have the RIGHT TO MAKE money. But, I think there’s a way I can dumb it down for you, peasants. You see, you’re a poor person. If you weren’t a poor person anymore, than you wouldn’t be poor, and who would the rich person take advantage of? It’s pretty simple really.
Still too complicated? Well, let’s try another example.
Say five bananas currently cost 10 dollars. One ape on the market has 5 bananas. Snake asks to borrow 5 banana’s for a bit and instead sells the 5 bananas thinking price will go down soon (shorting). He thinks he can buy them later for less and give them back to ape, so he makes profit on the difference. Group of apes notice what stupid snakes are doing and decide to buy all bananas on the market until snakes have no other choice than to buy from the group of apes in order to return what they borrowed. If group of apes stay strong then a giant hedge fund will use the banana trading app that it controls to stop all transactions on the banana market until the apes stop playing UNFAIRLY and give the bananas back to the reckless snakes for FREE. Then once the snakes get back all the bananas they stupidly gave away thanks to rules that the snakes made up to benefit themselves, the government will fine the snakes ONE BANANA, and the snakes will get a MILLION MORE BANANAS FOR FREE, as their punishment for almost collapsing the banana market. This is called “How America works.”
Seem unfair? Well, you should have thought of that before you were born poor, COMMIE!
NOTE: This column is not intended as investment advice. In fact, anyone who interprets this column as advice of any kind, or think’s it’s remotely smart or funny, is, well, a moron.
PATRIOTS, as a proudly irrational person, nothing gets me more excited than getting excited about things I don’t understand. That’s why, when I heard that a bunch of people on Reddit had somehow pushed the stock price of worthless company GameStop up over 300% simply by all buying the worthless stock, and in the process made many of themselves into millionaires overnight, I said, “What? I literally don’t understand any of that!”
Well, PATRIOTS, let me explain. You see, I don’t know. I don’t know anything about any of this. What I do know is that big, fat Wall Street hedge funds who have become far too accustomed to screwing over the American middle class for years are losing big! Like, BILLIONS and BILLIONS of dollars big, because of the actions of these Redditers on the message board r/wallstreetbets. That’s because the hedge funds shorted the stock of the flailing video game retailer, GameStop, meaning they BET IRRESPONSIBLY HUGE amounts of money that the stock would become basically worthless. BUT SURPRISE! Instead, everyone on r/wallstreetbets seems to have banded together to buy huge amounts of the stock, thereby driving the price up MASSIVELY, and screwing the hedge fund guys! The price of GameStop stock went up from $18 per share to over $300 per share! So the greedy hedge funds are now on the hook for somewhere around $2.75 billion dollars! Maybe even over $5 billion! Yikes! That’s a bigger loss than a Trump Casino!!!!
And the big gains by these Robinhood’s investing on the Robin Hood app has attracted a whole bunch of copycats to similarly worthless stocks that the Average Joe RedditPack thinks the hedge funds may have gotten way over their skis in betting billions against. Now, those Redditors have a couple billion dollars in capital to spend taking down their next target! Which shitty worthless stock will they turn against the Wall Street Fat Cats next? I don’t know!
IN FACT, I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON!!!!
This is SOO CONFUSING! MARGINS! What are those? Like the sides on a piece of paper? OPTIONS! Those are the things I can change on video games, right? SHORTS! I wear those when it’s hot out, right? NO! APPARENTLY, THOSE ARE ALL STOCK MARKET WORDS!
Here’s a word: F************** THIS IS CONFUSING!
But, there’s money to be made, and it looks easy, so as of today, I’m pouring all my money into this wild, casino system that’s always been rigged against me and that I don’t understand. CAPITALISM! (NOTE: I’m not doing this.)
But, PATRIOTS, we can’t get caught up in punishing the greedy just because they’re evil. We must spare a thought for the many, many, many, unscrupulous corporate raiders who lost their fourth yacht as a result of this HORRIBLE ATTACK on WALL STREET!
CNBC must defend these people! This MANIPULATION OF THE MANIPULATIVE MUST BE PUNISHED BY THE GOVERNMENT THAT DIDN’T PUNISH ANY OF THE MANIPULATORS BEFORE! REGULAR PEOPLE SHOULDN’T BE MANIPULATING! THAT’S MEAN!
But the new corporate raiders on Reddit aren’t having it! As evidenced by one Reddit poster’s “open letter to CNBC” which criticized the network for it’s “contempt for the retail investor” and for allowing giant, evil hedge funds to “manipulate the market via your network and if they screw up big … they just get a bailout.”
Yes, that’s what’s called CAPITALISM! Now you get it! The little guy never wins!!!
PATRIOTS, no PATRIOT has fought harder against the EVILS of FREEDOM than Mike Lindell, CEO of My Pillow, “The World’s Shittiest Pillow,”TM and recent proponent of MARTIAL LAW to overthrow the U.S. Government. If that’s not American, than call me a terrorist! That’s why it’s SO INCREDIBLY ORWELLIAN that Twitter has decided to PERMANENTLY BAN the My Pillow man from its platform. What did he do? Apparently, he “alleged that the voting machine companies Smartmatic and Dominion Voting Systems were part of a conspiracy to rig the election against Trump,” according to reports. Big deal! It’s not like that PROVEN, REPEATED LIE ever killed anybody! What’s that? It killed five people? Big deal! They were probably LEFTISTS, anyway!
It’s NOT FAIR that private companies are banning bad faith actors who continually push lies for profit while attacking the fragile peace that sustains our politically-divided society! It’s NOT FAIR because those people REALLY WANT TO PROFIT from the downfall of America! If Mike Lindell can’t profit from selling the PROVEN LIE that Donald Trump won the election, if not for an elaborate conspiracy involving the makers of voting machines, local election officials, state-level Republicans, and the long-dead leader of Venezuela, what is he going to PROFIT FROM? Selling shitty pillows? Selling poisonous plants as a miracle cure for COVID-19? Yes, he did that. And, no, it did not turn out to be a miracle cure, but it was slightly healthier than drinking bleach. MAGA!
These lies never hurt anybody! Did they? I don’t know. Probably. Probably a lot of people, actually. Hmm. But PATRIOTS, the PERSECUTION OF THE PILLOW MAN raises a larger question about American society, namely, do we really want to be the kind of country that allows private companies to silence CONSERVATIVE VOICES just because they refuse to stop intentionally spouting dangerous, destructive, murderous LIES? I think not! That’s ORWELLIAN, just like it was ORWELLIAN that pro-terrorist Republican Senator Josh Hawley briefly lost his book deal for two weeks because he incited terrorism. TERRORISM AND BOOK DEALS FOR EVERYONE! FINANCED BY THE GOVERNMENT! THAT’S WHAT I CALL FREE MARKET!
The FREE MARKET decides things in this country, and the FREE MARKET should decide that the My Pillow man’s LIES, the LIES I LIKE, must be spread to ALL by a private platform called Twitter, and if the FREE MARKET decides it doesn’t want to do that, THAN THE GOVERNMENT SHOULD MAKE IT DO THAT! That’s called Trumpism!
PATRIOTS, America is sick, and the only cure is to just let all the LUNATICS RUN THE ASYLUM! And WHITE OLEANDER EXTRACT! Why not let a former cocaine addict who now sells cheap pillows organize a domestic paramilitary operation AND PROVIDE GREAT HEALTHCARE SOLUTIONS? Why not also let this man tell us who really won presidential elections based on nothing more than the feelings in his gut? Why not let Representatives bring guns and ammunition to the house floor? As long as they really believe those guns are actually candy canes, who’s to tell them they aren’t? It’s called FIRST AMENDMENT! Why not let the people who lOvE tHe FrEe MaRkEt So MuCh force businesses like Twitter to make ONLY the decisions THEY SUPPORT, until ALL AMERICANS are forced to suffer the daily FEAR of incitement of domestic TERROR FOR TRUMP, and attacks on the Capitol following every election the PROVEN LIARS say was fraudulent?
Because that threatens the safety of every American? F*** it! I don’t care! I care about MY FREEDOM, not YOUR FREEDOM!
CANCEL THE CANCEL CULTURE! LET THE LIES FLOW!
Speaking of which, let’s all buy a My Pillow to support the latest VICTIM of his own stupidity. Buy TWO! Buy yours here!