PATRIOTS, nobody has been a bigger supporter of President Trump than me, with the possible exception of Attorney General William Barr. Lest I need remind you of Barr’s service to this GREAT COUNTRY, the man literally auditioned for the job of Attorney General of the United States by writing a memo arguing that the President cannot be guilty of the crime of obstruction of justice–while Trump was being investigated for obstruction of justice–and then secretly sent that memo to Trump’s cronies so they’d know he was willing to subvert the law to PATRIOTICALLY HELP TRUMP. Then, Bill Barr pre-empted Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s report on Trump and Russia–which found that Trump might actually have committed obstruction of justice–by falsely summarizing before the report’s release that Trump was “cleared” of wrongdoing. Then, Barr helped Trump carry out various PATRIOTIC fascistic uses of the Justice Department for his own ends, culminating in Barr helping Trump tear gas peaceful protesters in Lafayette Square so the president could pose outside a church with an upside down Bible, and then, BIGLY BARR intervened to help some of Trump’s criminal associates evade prosecution before politicizing the Justice Department entirely to undermine its own mission and help Trump. In other words, BILL BARR IS A PATRIOT! A FREEDOM LOVER! A MAN WHO PUTS COUNTRY ABOVE ALL ELSE (EXCEPT TRUMP, WHO HE RIGHTLY PUTS WAY ABOVE COUNTRY BECAUSE JESUS WANTS IT THAT WAY!)
But PATRIOTS, there comes a time when every TRUMP-LOVER must prove his worth by EXPRESSING TOTAL FEALTY to Supreme Leader Trump. He must cast aside all self-worth and plunge headlong into the abyss of SPINELESS MORAL TURPITUDE. And on this requirement, I’m afraid Bill Barr has now shown himself to be nothing but a LEFTIST IN DISGUISE!
And, PATRIOTS, he’s now gotten what all LEFTISTS deserve: FIRED! Donald Trump fired BILL BARR(F) from his job as Attorney General of the United States because, quite simply, Trump’s #1 sycophant wasn’t TRUMPY ENOUGH!
You see, even the “outstanding” Bill Barr(f) didn’t have the SPINE to continue to feed TRUMP’S PATRIOTIC, AMERICA-KILLING LIE that he won the election even though he got less votes than Biden. He SADLY acknowledged the LIBERALLY-BIASED truth that there was no widespread, election-changing fraud, when a TRUMPIAN LIE would have served Trump’s purposes much better. BARR(F) sided with the sick, anti-Trump group called AMERICANS. Worse, he failed to PROMOTE A POLITICALLY-BIASED AGENDA because he failed to disclose the Justice Department’s investigation of HUNTER! Barr(f) did this just because it would have been unethical and violate long-standing precedent, the SICK COWARD! Doesn’t Barr(f) know that ethics only exist for the purpose of disappearing whenever violating them would help TRUMP?
Now, PATRIOTS, stupid-liberals will argue that TRUMPISTS are looking pretty foolish right now, when their WILDLY-DERANGED CONSPIRACY THEORIES and GRIEVANCES AGAINST REALITY’S ANTI-TRUMP BIAS have become too insane for even Bill Barr(f) the ass-kisser-in-chief, to stomach. But we know the truth! It’s time to TRIPLE DOWN, kick out everyone who isn’t Trump enough, turn on each other like TRUE PATRIOTS and GO DOWN WITH THIS SINKING SHIP!!!
Barr was just another LIB-IN-DISGUISE, acting like he was all-in on Trump fascism, destroying every democratic norm in America with glee, until he made one, tiny mistake, and OUTED HIMSELF AS A LIB by acknowledging a small part of reality like a loser. We’re right! THE TRUTH IS WRONG! TRUMP! TRUMP! TRUMP!
But, even a hateful leftist like Bill Barr can’t deny PRESIDENT T’S GREATNESS. Just listen to this sycophant’s praise-heaping letter of resignation to the president, which he wrote after being run out of his job by the president for acknowledging that numbers are real… LIKE A LEFTIST!
Here’s a look at the ACTUAL (not actual) text of Bill Barr(f)’s letter of resignation:
Dear Mr. President,
I am greatly honored that you called on me to serve your Administration and the American people once again as Attorney General. I am proud to have played a role in the many successes and unprecedented achievements you have delivered for the American people, whether they be in the form of accomplishments you didn’t accomplish but took credit for, or in the form of Americans you’ve harmed for no reason other than your own ever-growing vanity.
I love you, sir, and not in the way I love Jesus, which is purely platonic. I feel a great fluttering in my loins when I become aroused thinking of your orange, wrinkly pate and your blonde wisps of glory.
Your record is all the more historic because you have accomplished it in the face of relentless, implacable resistance from leftist, Antifa terrorists, such as the American people, the entire media and objective reality. Your 2016 victory speech in which you reached out to your opponents and called for working together for the benefit of the American people, which I and no one else believed because you never did anything to actually work toward this goal, was immediately met by a partisan onslaught against you in which no tactic, no matter how abusive and deceitful, was out of bounds (for being used you and your cronies). The nadir of the campaign was the effort by objective reality to cripple, if not completely destroy what would otherwise have been an historically successful presidency if we’d simply been living in an alternate, Bizarro World, a world I, and many others now refer to as the Trump Cinematic Universe. And those are movies I’d watch every day, sir. I love you, again.
My only regret is that I could not debase myself even more in the service of your rightly fascistic goals.
. . .
As discussed, I will spend the next week wrapping up a few remaining matters important to the Administration, such as punishing myself for being a secret Antifa by failing to prop up the lie that you actually won the 2020 election because you got enough invisible votes to overtake Joe Biden, which I clearly should have recognized, and I will depart on December 23rd.
I wish you, Melania, and your family a MERRY CHRISTMAS, which I believe with all my soul that we would not be able to celebrate if not for your masculine leadership. God Bless, my liege, and I would have fired myself, too. I suck. Please hate me forever as much as I hate myself. I am truly not Trumpy enough for the Trump Club.
William P. Barr(f)
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