Pack the nanny state on the chuck wagon and GET THE HELL OUT OF DODGE, LIBS, because President Trump’s latest prospectin’ in his ever-ending quest to make America “great” again has just mined another brilliant, fossilized government policy straight out of the Wild Wild West and the 1800s.
Yep, it’s gonna be a rootin’ tootin’ good time at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue this holiday season, as the guns get t’ blazing. The Dem-o-rats over at the MSM rag ProPublica report, with much sissyin’ and hand wringin’, the Trump White House wants to get the lead flyin’ and the inmates dyin’ in the byzantine federal execution method “any day” now.
One proposal has raced through the process with little notice but unusual speed — and deadly consequences. This rule could reintroduce firing squads and electrocutions for federal executions, giving the government more options for administering capital punishment as drugs used in lethal injections become unavailable. The Justice Department surfaced the proposal in August and accepted public comments for only 30 days, instead of the usual 60. The rule cleared White House review on Nov. 6, meaning it could be finalized any day. The Justice Department didn’t respond to a request for comment.
Yep, and why would they respond to requests for comments from Lilly-livered pea-brains over at the Lyin’ Press? Folks, this brilliant, new idea to fully embrace the barbarity required by 21st Century leadership is just one of many shining beacons of governance that Donald Trump is ram-roddin’ through in the final, bunker-sulking days of his successful, definitely-not-ending-anytime soon presidency, before he leaves the White House soon.
Trump’s not gonna just hide in the bunker until he gets re-inaugurated on January 20th, barring any reality creeping into my, or his, Kool-Aid addled delusions. He’s got the ball rolling on all sorts of goodies that even the Pro-Publica Lib-o-crats admit are good for the country because they, “could lead to more worker injuries and make it harder to stop germs like salmonella.” Not to mention, per ProPublica, the new rules are going to help Trump solidify his historic* support from the LGBTQ community by blocking transgender individuals from federally funded homeless shelters.
Now, patriots, I know some of you are worried that this last-second ram-rodding of a full second-term-worth of harm, mismanagement and discrimination might mean that Donald J(esus) Trump doesn’t plan on sticking around for another four years. Don’t worry. The Trump Legal Dream Team’s “Stop The Steal 2020 Kraken Releasing And Head Leaking Four Seasons Landscaping Lie-stravaganza” is still in biblical* form.
Trump Team Leagle Eagle Jenna Ellis had some truth-bombs for the Scum-o-crats today, when she quoted noted khaki-wearer (and possibly guy-famous-for-something-else) Teddy Roosevelt, and just because some NERDS ON TWITTER pointed out that Teddy Roosevelt didn’t say the quote she quoted, that didn’t make it any less true.
Then, like any good guardian of the God’s honest truth, when confronted with her truthful lie, she explained why her lie was actually the truth.
Trumped, libs! Feel the Trump®!
He didn’t say it, but it’s true. Therefore, he said it. How do you like them apples, commies?
But, Ellis heroic annihilation of history was to be outdone by another Trump Leagle Eagle, Rudolph (The-Black-Head-Goo-Leaking-Reindeer) Giuliani, who headed to Gettysburg, Pennsylvania a day after Joe Biden began his “transition” to “president.” Like the Confederates of old, Rudy took to the political battlefield in Gettysburg to declare victory in his fight against tyranny–if by “declare victory in his fight against tyranny,” you mean “declare himself victorious in his fight against leaking, black head-goo.” Like the great generals who fought against democracy back in the Civil War, Rudy fought his fight against numbers and math from a Wyndham hotel ballroom, (I did not fact check that claim, because I feel its truth in my bones) where he participated in a “hearing.” I’m only putting quotes around “hearing” because it was not, in any way, an actual hearing.
Instead, like all great moments in governance, it was a fact-free airing of grievances by a never-ending train of mindless political stooges and bootlickers. Or, as we Republicans call them, representatives of the people.
Of course, even Rudy’s heroic fealty to un-democracy was quickly Trumped, when the most heroic mindless political stooge of our time took the stage to heroically literally phone-in his efforts to overthrow democracy to the applause of his loyal and trusted sycophants.
The remarks from the president came virtually, as Trump campaign attorney Jenna Ellis — seated beside Giuliani in a Wyndham hotel ballroom — raised her phone to the microphone at their witness table, allowing Trump to participate in the hearing from the Oval Office.
“I really appreciate being asked to speak,” Trump said, going on to falsely state that he had “easily” won a second term, that the White House race was “rigged,” and that the election’s outcome “has to be turned around.”
And so, as real patriots all across America prepared to SUPERSPREAD this Thanksgiving like never before–you know, because TRUMP, that’s why–all was well in the land of delusion called Trumpworld. The fevered fools who all of us PATRIOTS in the GOP blindly prop up because they’re not Dem-o-RATS remained firmly in control of America’s immediate, bleakly awesome future. The firing squads cleaned their muskets, the chicken factories readied the tainted salmonella meat for expeditious shipment to supermarkets around this great land, and the president’s lawyers slept soundly in their suites at the Wyndam Hotel in Gettysburg, PA, one of them preparing to tweet more misattributed quotes, the other wiping the black bile leaking from his silky smooth pate.
And in Washington, beneath the warm glow of his iPhone, the leader of the free world had one last batshit crazy message for his cult, which he delivered via retweet.
That, of course, is the president endorsing a wildly false, conspiratorial, and, I assume, TRUTHFUL claim from something called “The Marshall Report,” which posits that Trump lawyer Sidney Powell’s claim that she would release a “Kraken” of evidence regarding Trump’s election fraud claims wasn’t actually referring to any “evidence,” but instead, was code for a secret U.S. government cyber-warfare program which “[t]racks [s]ystems and a[c]quires evidence of nefarious activities and crimes committed by The Deep State.” That is, of course, the very same Deep State that has “rigged” elections for “at least the last twenty years, and probably longer,” and is comprised, according to the article retweeted by the president, of “wicked globalist puppets who are boldly pushing their coup to destroy America and impl[e]ment a global reset and usher in United Nations Agenda 2030 which is the revised version of sustainable development Agenda 21.” Obviously, according to the VERY TRUTHFUL article retweeted by the president (which you know is true because of how many spelling errors it has), these Deep Staters are attempting “the overthrow of the United States Government.”
And, sure, all the NERDS in the MSM will point out that the TRUTH SEEKER who has apparently uncovered this massive and improbable conspiracy misspelled “Kraken” in the first sentence of the article, seen here.
But let me just point out this: there’s another great American truth-teller who can’t spell worth shit…
Donald J(Jesus Christ) Trump.
SUCK IT, LIB!
And then, Trump pardoned his guilty-pleading former National Security Advisor…
President Donald Trump pardoned former national security adviser Michael Flynn on Wednesday despite Flynn’s guilty plea to lying to the FBI about his Russia contacts.
The pardon, coming in the waning days of the Trump administration, takes direct aim at a Russia investigation that he has long insisted was motivated by political bias.
“It is my Great Honor to announce that General Michael T. Flynn has been granted a Full Pardon,” Trump tweeted. “Congratulations to @GenFlynn and his wonderful family, I know you will now have a truly fantastic Thanksgiving!”
Happy Thanksgiving, America!
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