Listen. Today is the greatest day in the history of days. It LITERALLY TRUMPS all the other days.
Today DONALD TRUMP announced that he is giving the American people the honor of having DONALD TRUMP run for President of the United States.
And TRUMP made the announcement in the most TRUMP-TASTIC of ways: a bombastic, rambling, over-the-top, hilarious, combative, inflammatory, six-hour-long, hate-f#@% of a speech at TRUMP Tower in New York City.
No one was safe. Not the Chinese (God love ’em). Not the Mexicans (I know some Mexicans. I love ’em). Not the Ford Motor Company (I know the president of Ford. I could call him up and have a Ford here in two minutes flat. They’re great). No one rambles and verbally hate-f#@%s better than TRUMP. No one.
Because he’s TRUMP! Who the f#@% are you, asshole?
As a tribute to this benchmark day in the proud history of TRUMP, Truthmissiles.com has compiled the most TRUMP-O-MANIACAL moments from today’s TRUMP announcement about the future of TRUMP and all the smart ideas that TRUMP is going to TRUMP all over the United States of TRUMP (and America), brought to you by the benevolent legend himself, TRUMP!
Here’s a countdown of the most important, beautiful, inspiring, hilarious, sad, and TRUMP moments from TRUMP’S announcement…
Number TRUMP: The entrance of the TRUMP–
TRUMP arrived at his announcement the only way that a patriotic, American TRUMP could… descending on a TRUMP-brand escalator inside TRUMP TOWER while Canadian Neil Young’s “Rockin’ in the Free World” blasted over the speakers. I’ve always said, nothing says America like Canadian Neil Young…
Canada! America! Freedom! TRUMP!!!
Number TRUMP: “I will be the greatest jobs president that God ever created.”
TRUMP displayed his trademark humility throughout the speech by acknowledging that he is but a humble man, created by God, to do His work. Now, if God decided to make TRUMP the greatest “jobs president” he ever created, who is the humble TRUMP to argue with the Lord’s will? God could have made Reagan or Obama the greatest “jobs president” ever, but he didn’t. He chose TRUMP. TRUMP didn’t ask to be the greatest, but it would be sacrilege for TRUMP not to boast about the fact that TRUMP will, in fact, be the greatest “jobs president” that God ever created. After all, who would know better than TRUMP himself? TRUMP, of course.
Number TRUMP: “I would build a great wall. And nobody builds walls better than me, believe me. And I’ll build them very inexpensively. I will build a great Great Wall on our southern border and I’ll have Mexico pay for that wall.”
Well, border crisis solved. What’s next?
Number TRUMP: “When Mexico sends its people, they’re not sending their best. They’re not sending you. They’re not sending you. They’re sending people that have lots of problems and they’re bringing those problems with us. They’re bringing drugs, they’re bringing crime, they’re rapists, and some, I assume, are good people.”
TRUMP focused a lot on Mexico during the second hour of his speech, and while, yes, building a Great Wall on the Southern U.S. border and forcing Mexico to pay for it is a perfectly reasonable solution, and yes, it is scientifically proven that nobody builds better walls then TRUMP, the Mexicans are still going to be sending their drug-addicted rapists here. Sure, some of them are good people, he assumes. But you know what happens when you assume… you let rapists into your country. TRUMP knows that because, unlike politicians, TRUMP isn’t like the politicians. TRUMP is like TRUMP.
Number TRUMP: “I like China. I just sold an apartment for $15 million. Am I supposed to dislike ‘em? … People say you don’t like China. No, I love them. But their leaders are much smarter than our leaders. And we can’t sustain ourselves with that. It’s like, take the New England Patriots and Tom Brady and have them play your high school football team.”
TRUMP is a thinker, like the Chinese, and unlike Obama. TRUMP rightly does not understand what the big deal is about a U.S. President being envious of China’s leadership. They’re smart. TRUMP loves that. Loves it. You see, TRUMP understands that not everyone is good at everything like TRUMP is. Some are good at pretending to be born in Hawaii, like Obama. Some are good at building Great Walls, like Trump. Some are good at great Democratic leadership, like the Chinese. To each his own. But when the Tom Brady of leadership (China) wants to play a high stakes game, you need the Tom Brady of Great Wall building and “jobs presidenting” to take the field against him. That’s TRUMP. China’s walls aren’t great. China’s walls suck. They suck.
Number TRUMP: When TRUMP showed the music who’s TRUMP–
Around hour three of his speech, after rambling about walls and selling Chinese apartments, THE DONALD announced that he is running for president. His music, presumably hoping that he would finally wrap it up, started again playing that patriotic Canadian tune. But TRUMP was about to play his TRUMP card. Sure, he bobbed his head for a second or two, but then, it was time to show it how the TRUMP makes deals. He gave a swift TRUMP POINT, followed by a TRUMP WAVE, and then a sign language “MUSIC, YOU’RE FIRED.” TRUMP trumped the music. He still had three more hours of psychotic, xenophobic rambling to get to.
Number TRUMP: “I beat China all the time. All the time… When did we beat Japan at anything?”–
Number TRUMP: “We have a disaster called the big lie: Obamacare. Obamacare… You have to be hit by a tractor, literally, a tractor, to use it, because the deductibles are so high, it’s virtually useless. It’s virtually useless. It is a disaster… And remember the $5 billion Web site? $5 billion we spent on a Web site, and to this day it doesn’t work. A $5 billion Web site. I have so many Web sites, I have them all over the place. I hire people, they do a Web site. It costs me $3.”–
It costs him $3 dollars. He hires people. They do it. Three dollars. How did Obama spend $5 billion dollars on Healthcare.gov? TRUMP could have done it for $3 dollars. Instead people are being hit by tractors, LITERALLY.
It’s so obvious you stupid idiots.
Number TRUMP: “If you can’t make a good deal with a politician, then there’s something wrong with you. You’re certainly not very good. And that’s what we have representing us… They’re controlled fully — they’re controlled fully by the lobbyists, by the donors, and by the special interests. Fully… Yes, they control them. Hey, I have lobbyists. I have to tell you. I have lobbyists that can produce anything for me. They’re great. But you know what? it won’t happen. It won’t happen… Our country needs a truly great leader… We need a leader that wrote “The Art of the Deal.”–
TRUMP gets that politicians are controlled by lobbyists. Shitty, decitful lobbyists. Lobbyists control them. Fully. We don’t need that. We need TRUMP… who also has lobbyists. But TRUMP’s lobbyists are controlled by TRUMP. They are also shitty and decitful, and they will produce anything for TRUMP. Anything. They could f#@% up everything. All on behalf of Trump. In theory, they could make everything in America worse for everyone except TRUMP. All TRUMP has to do is ask.
But “it won’t hapen. It won’t happen.”
I trust TRUMP to weild his power honorably. After all, he has the main qulaification a president needs. He wrote “The Art of the Deal,” a book about how to screw other people over.
Number TRUMP: “And we won’t be using a man like Secretary Kerry that has absolutely no concept of negotiation, who’s making a horrible and laughable deal… and then goes into a bicycle race at 72 years old, and falls and breaks his leg. I won’t be doing that. And I promise I will never be in a bicycle race. That I can tell you.”–
What kind of an asshole rides bikes? Not TRUMP. He only travels by subtle, reasonable modes of transportation, like TRUMP Force One.
Number TRUMP: The “Ford” story, extended TRUMP cut.–
Toward the fifth or sixth hour of his speech, TRUMP really began to go off the rails. He decided to tell “a couple of stories happened recently.” So he began an extended diatribe on Ford. It was long. It seemed rather idiotic. But, oh, was it worth it…
“Ford. So Mexico takes a company, a car company that was going to build in Tennessee, rips it out. Everybody thought the deal was dead. Reported it in the Wall Street Journal recently. Everybody thought it was a done deal. It’s going in and that’s going to be it, going into Tennessee. Great state, great people.
All of a sudden, at the last moment, this big car manufacturer, foreign, announces they’re not going to Tennessee. They’re gonna spend their $1 billion in Mexico instead. Not good.
Now, Ford announces a few weeks ago that Ford is going to build a $2.5 billion car and truck and parts manufacturing plant in Mexico. $2.5 billion, it’s going to be one of the largest in the world. Ford. Good company.
So I announced that I’m running for president.
Ignore for a moment the fact that, at this point, TRUMP has literally just announced that he was running for President less than 10 minutes ago, and his timeline of events makes no logical sense, because the story is about to veer into a totally unrelated direction…
I would one of the early things I would do, probably before I even got in — and I wouldn’t even use — you know, I have — I know the smartest negotiators in the world. I know the good ones. I know the bad ones. I know the overrated ones.
You get a lot of them that are overrated. They’re not good. They think they are. They get good stories, because the newspapers get buffaloed.”
Yeah. You know, buffaloed. That’s what the kids are saying now, right?
Number TRUMP: The “Ford” story, extended TRUMP cut, part deux–
Then, after this important sidebar, TRUMP got things right back on track…
I wouldn’t even waste my time with this one. I would call up the head of Ford, who I know. If I was president, I’d say, “Congratulations. I understand that you’re building a nice $2.5 billion car factory in Mexico and that you’re going to take your cars and sell them to the United States zero tax, just flow them across the border.”
And you say to yourself, “How does that help us,” right? “How does that help us? Where is that good”? It’s not.
So I would say, “Congratulations. That’s the good news. Let me give you the bad news. Every car and every truck and every part manufactured in this plant that comes across the border, we’re going to charge you a 35-percent tax, and that tax is going to be paid simultaneously with the transaction, and that’s it.
Now, here’s what is going to happen. If it’s not me in the position, it’s one of these politicians that we’re running against, you know, the 400 people that we’re (inaudible TRUMPING). And here’s what’s going to happen. They’re not so stupid. They know it’s not a good thing, and they may even be upset by it. But then they’re going to get a call from the donors or probably from the lobbyist for Ford and say, “You can’t do that to Ford, because Ford takes care of me and I take care of you, and you can’t do that to Ford.”
And guess what? No problem. They’re going to build in Mexico. They’re going to take away thousands of jobs. It’s very bad for us.
So under President TRUMP, here’s what would happen:
The head of Ford will call me back, I would say within an hour after I told them the bad news. But it could be he’d want to be cool, and he’ll wait until the next day. You know, they want to be a little cool.
And he’ll say, “Please, please, please.” He’ll beg for a little while, and I’ll say, “No interest.” Then he’ll call all sorts of political people, and I’ll say, “Sorry, fellas. No interest,” because I don’t need anybody’s money. It’s nice. I don’t need anybody’s money.
I’m using my own money. I’m not using the lobbyists. I’m not using donors. I don’t care. I’m really rich. I (inaudible).
Yes! Finally a CLEAR, non-rambling explanation from a President who’s not afraid to unilaterally levy an enourmous illegal tax on American corporations purely out of spite! TRUMP gets it. TRUMP just needs to bully his opponents–who he knows as close personal friends–into doing whatever he wants. Then, when those multi-billion dollar corporations come groveling back, he’ll tell them what what every good president should tell them…
GO FUCK YOURSELF!!! I’m too busy to help you. Boo hoo.
Why because I’m rich. So rich I don’t give a f#@%. TRUMP 2016.
Number TRUMP: The “Ford” story, extended TRUMP cut, Revenge of the Sith–
Then, 78 minutes later, he got to the point…
But here’s what’s going to happen:
After I’m called by 30 friends of mine who contributed to different campaigns, after I’m called by all of the special interests and by the — the donors and by the lobbyists — and they have zero chance at convincing me, zero — I’ll get a call the next day from the head of Ford. He’ll say.“Please reconsider,” I’ll say no.
He’ll say, “Mr. President, we’ve decided to move the plant back to the United States, and we’re not going to build it in Mexico.” That’s it. They have no choice. They have no choice.
There are hundreds of things like that.
TRUMP is the greatest negotiator ever. Period. TRUMP. He’s so good he just won a hypothetical negotiation where he was playing both parties. He out negotiated himself! That’s why he’s the president we need. The president who wrote “The Art of the Deal.”
Number TRUMP: Ending on a high note.–
Luckily, after six hours of TRUMPTASTIC stories, wisdom, racism, and other fun, TRUMP ended on a high note…
“Sadly, the American dream is dead.”
But then he brought me right back…
“But if I get elected president I will bring it back bigger and better and stronger than ever before, and we will make America great again.”
It’s so simple.
Follow Truthmissiles.com on Twitter @truth_missiles.