Alright, listen up, America, you worthless sack of shit. I’ve had enough. But more importantly, you’ve had enough. It’s time to get your act together.
If you’re a regular reader of this blog, you might have noticed that after nearly six months of steadily posting news, information, and something I’ve called “truth,” Truthmissiles.com suddenly went silent in December. You might be wondering, why did this happen?
You wanna know why? You really wanna know why?
BECAUSE I GOT SICK OF DEALING WITH YOU WORTHLESS PIECES OF SHIT! That’s why.
I realized that I had wasted precious seconds, minutes, hours and, yes, even days of my life that I would never get back trying to convey to you a simple message that you’re just never going to fucking learn because you’re too busy blaming your problems on politicians and news anchors and the various other idiots that you have so carefully organized your meaningless, shallow, increasingly squandered lives to revolve around.
“MY PROBLEMS ARE OBAMA’S FAULT!!!”
“IF BRIAN WILLIAMS HADN’T BEEN LYING, I’D BE A MILLIONAIRE BY NOW!!!”
“IF FOX NEWS TOLD THE TRUTH, I’D BE THE POINT GUARD FOR THE CLEVELAND CAVALIERS, INSTEAD OF SITTING HERE ON MY TOILET EATING A PLATE OF HOT POCKETS AND UPDATING MY TUMBLR WHILE WIPING MY ASS WITH TOILET PAPER ON THE END OF A STICK BECAUSE MY ASS IS TOO BIG TO REACH MY ARM AROUND.”
Yeah. This is YOU, America. I hate to say it, but it’s true.
No. You know what? I don’t hate to say it. I enjoy saying it. Living with you has sucked away my soul, punched it in the crotch, and run it over with a dump truck. You have murdered my soul. Thanks, assholes. Now I’m gonna tell you what I think, so tweet it, complain about it, ignore it, shove it up your puckered assholes for all I care. (Maybe you’ll get a better view if you put it there.)
Your problem isn’t Obama. Your problem isn’t Brian Williams. It’s not Fox News. It’s not liberals. It’s not conservatives. It’s not racists. It’s not Al Sharpton. It’s not Saturday Night Live. It’s not Jon Stewart. It’s not ISIS. It’s not Putin. It’s not free community college or minimum wage or Citizens United. It’s not wealth inequality. It’s not Muslims. It’s not any of these things.
IT’S JUST YOU. YOU’VE TURNED INTO A FUCKING TROLL SOCIETY.
What do you do? What do you want to be? NOTHING.
All you want to do is COMPLAIN. All you want to do is talk about how bad everyone else is. All you want to do is knock people down. That’s your brilliant plan to make your lives better? HOLY SHIT!
“OBAMA WON’T CALL THOSE TERRORISTS WHAT THEY REALLY ARE: MUSLIMS!”
Really? Is that your biggest problem? Is that why you work at Wal-Mart for $2.50 an hour (or, excuse me, what is it now, $2.75? Yeah, you’re really on your way)? Is that why you have more kids than teeth? The word “Muslims.” Is that all it would take to turn things around for you? In your world, if only OBAMA would just refer to the terrorists as MUSLIMS all our problems would be solved!”
“I WOULD HAVE BEEN ABLE TO GO TO COLLEGE IF OBAMA JUST CALLED THEM ‘MUSLIMS,’ but instead I’m in my backyard trying to figure out how to get my pickup truck to produce more carbon emissions because I think Bill Nye the Science Guy is full of shit!”
Yeah, great job, rednecks!
Here’s an idea. Instead of “rolling coal” into the air used by civilized, productive, HUMAN members of American society, put that exhaust pipe in your bedroom window, shut all the doors–TAPE THEM SHUT, YOU DON’T NEED AIR!– and take a nap. TASTE THE LIBERTY, YOU INBRED PIECES OF FUCKING SHIT!
Now that’s change I can believe in!
“Oh, I’m a liberal and I think Fox News is lying about Obama and Democrats and trying to help greedy billionaires and racists and warmongers take over our country! That’s why I can’t make as much money as I deserve! That’s why I don’t have healthcare! That’s why I’m lonely and divorced and poor and depressed!”
HEY ASSHOLE, SUCK IT UP! WHAT ARE YOU, A MAN OR A FUCKING MOUSE?!?!
If Fox News can make a bazillion dollars a year spewing toxic waste out of the mouths of plastic-chested blondes, and you can’t afford to move out of your parents’ basement, what does that say about you? MAN UP (and that goes for you women, too) YOU TWAT! Maybe instead of spending that money on Starbucks, or the latest iPhone so you can tweet about how much better YOU are than Brian Williams— a guy who went from New Jersey (fucking New Jersey) to the NBC Nightly News anchor desk– you can go invent something, do something, earn something, or just generally be a less trollish member of society.
Oh, but, by all means tweet something snarky first.
No seriously, I’ll wait.
Go ahead, Bill Shakespeare.
Hey, guess what that brilliant, incisive, snarky tweet got you? JACK FUCKING SQUAT. But do you know who made a bazillion dollars off it? THE GUY THAT OWNS TWITTER, YOU FUCKING SUCKER!
Just remember that when you’re living in A VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER!
“But social media–“ FUCK SOCIAL MEDIA! If social media makes you money, great; why are you reading this? If not, TRY THIS: DO SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE.
Nice job, millennials. You took a country that used to be great and made it into a country that communicates in 140 character, hashtag fueled verbal roadkill.
And nice job OLD PEOPLE. You blame millennials and Obama for all your problems, without even realizing that IT’S YOU WHO FUCKED THIS COUNTRY UP!
Who crashed the economy? Who sold the war in Iraq? Who bankrupted social security? Who made college unaffordable? Who created the largest wealth gap in American history, Fox News, an 18 trillion dollar national debt, a crumbling infrastructure, and 3 failed presidential campaigns by Mitt “fucking the 47%” Romney?
It wasn’t millennials.
It was YOU. It was YOU, and it was YOU, and it was YOU, and it was YOU, AND IT WAS YOU!
Is it any wonder millennials suck so much? They had to grow up in the America YOU created!
The next time you OLD MOTHERFUCKERS want to complain about kids these days, do something productive and DROP DEAD. You could have, and should have, done us all a favor and all DROPPED DEAD ABOUT 50 YEARS AGO!!!
We all suck! And we’re fucking up this great thing called America!
Some of us are doing it on purpose, like Rudy Giuliani, and the Supreme Court, and Nancy Pelosi, and the NYPD. Most of us are doing it by accident because we’re acting like a bunch of trolls.
Do any of us even care about our lives anymore? Or do we just care about who we can blame our problems on? Like Obamacare and Republicans and cops and black people and reality TV shows and sequels and reboots and THE LIBERAL MEDIA… how does any of this matter? It matters because it’s a convenient distraction.
“But what about the TRUTH? Politicians aren’t telling us the TRUTH!!! The BUREAUCRACY is keeping me down!!! These things matter because politics is the problem!!!”
Yeah, you’re right! Most people don’t have a fucking clue what the truth is! But it’s not because politicians or the government don’t tell it to you; they tell it to you loud and clear every fucking day. The truth is that politicians think you’re all a bunch of morons. It’s not a secret. They tell you to your faces every fucking day. They tell you how stupid they think you are when they say INTELLIGENCE-INSULTING SHIT like, “I don’t believe Obama loves America” and you gladly EAT THAT SHIT with a stupid, shit-eating grin on your face, and then run back to the trough with your shit-smelling shit-breath and eagerly say, “Please sir, I’d like some more shit to eat.” And, I truly believe in my heart that the shit servers are astonished at your stupidity every fucking time you come back for more shit. “Why do these stupid fucks keep coming back,” they must be thinking, “when there’s plenty to eat besides the shit, like those facts over there clearly showing the shit to be false and unhealthy?”
Don’t ever complain that the powerful people are lying to you! Don’t you dare complain that you’re not getting the truth, you VILE FUCKING MEN AND WOMEN! You get the truth loud and clear, but you don’t want to see it. You’d rather willingly imagine your own intelligence in the fantasy world constructed for you by human nut-sacks like Bill O’Reilly, who hypocritically throw stones from their glass houses while the crowd of clapping seals barks in amusement, than to open your ears and hear the real truth that is staring you straight in the face: that most of the people who claim to tell you the absolute “truth” will tell you only one truth: that they think you are stupid. BUT, you’ll never hear that truth because you have to read between the lines to see it, you dipshits!
Were you surprised that Brian Williams was a liar? Congratulations, you know nothing about why people report the news! (Hint: because they are narcissistic air heads who believe themselves smarter and more important than the common man. (Yes, all of them. (Well, most of them.))) I’m guessing you also were surprised when Bill O’Reilly, one of Williams harshest critics, turned out to be his equal in the field of lying and self-promotion. Do you think John Bohener, or as I call him, Orange Julius, really loves the constitution more than Obama? Sure, keep telling yourself that. He’s not pandering to the blindfolded, flipper-smacking, double-down fed, HUMAN WALRUSES who believe that one political party tells the truth and the other wants to enslave them with the help of the UN, take their guns, and force them to worship Allah! Just keep eating up that shit, America! Then, go complain about how no one is telling you the “truth.”
The truth is written in every second of every day that you live in the Land of the Free. You just have no desire to read it. You want to believe what’s convenient for you. Whether it’s that the person your parents voted for is an honest politician or that you’re better than the celebrity who Twitter is tearing down this week because you’ve never achieved anything that would make you worth tearing down.
Case in point, I wrote articles for this goddamned website for six months jokingly claiming to tell the “truth” not facts, while the only actual truth I was seeking to tell was how useless and biased journalism has become. I included joke, biased headlines that no sane person could have taken seriously, such as, “Research Proves Conservatives Are Smarter,” “Obama Breeding Secret Army Of Radioactive Monkeys In Japan,” “Putin’s Revenge: Radioactive Boar Army Breeding in Chernobyl Wasteland, Feckless Obama Refuses Airstrikes,” “Republican Hero Forced To Quit After Destroying Obama’s Trashy-Hoe Daughters,” and “Chris Nolan’s “Interstellar” is Liberal Garbage Shoved Down the Throat of the American Taxpayer” to name just a few.
And, you know what? NOBODY GOT THE FUCKING JOKE!!! Everyone read them as serious news and didn’t bat a fucking eye!!! People looked at the headline and just went, “Oh, Obama’s breeding radioactive monkeys, which sounds like a completely normal headline that I would read on a real news blog. I’ll just go about my day as if that is actually news.” Our news environment has become so insane and polarized that as long as I write something negative about Obama, it doesn’t matter how crazy it is! People who don’t like him will believe it and never do any further research!
There’s nothing that can be written that is so crazy that people will say, well, EVEN OBAMA WOULDN’T DO THAT!
HOW DARE YOU VILE WASTES OF CARBON ATOMS COMPLAIN ABOUT NOT GETTING THE TRUTH!!!!
People responded to these articles as if I was an actual right-wing nutjob, instead of someone clearly exaggerating for the purpose of satire. What I learned is that you can’t satirize our political arena. IT IS SATIRE.
As an example, in one article, I wrote of President Obama’s daughters, “If the president’s teenage daughters don’t want to be called classless bar tramps who are children of poor role models that don’t respect America, they shouldn’t subject themselves to the media spotlight. I DON’T think that’s so hard.”
Someone, apparently taking it seriously, responded, “By all means, insult anyone you wish. See how it works for ya. See how much respect you earn from others for being unable to edit yourself once in awhile :D”
I WILL NOT EDIT MYSELF FOR YOU, YOU WORTHLESS CUNT MOWER!!! FUCK OFF AND DIE!!!
But I can really blame this person, considering an actual politician today said, “I don’t think President OBAMA loves America,” WHICH IS FUCKING MORE INSANE THAN MY SATIRE?
What could I say that would be exaggerating? That Obama wants to subvert the Constitution to let vicious Muslim terrorists enter the United States to kill Southerners? Nope. THAT’S BEEN SAID BY A REAL POLITICIAN, TOO– like 5 times. Thanks, Obama.
The TruthMissiles.com Twitter account was followed by the very people it sought to lampoon. For example, there was a user whose bio said this: “Conservative Christian. The Republican Party is often called the Grand Old Party (GOP). I think it should be called the Great Old Party. #gop #rnc.”
WTF? Did you not get the joke? Or do you just not even read the headlines of news articles and judge them purely based on the title of the blog?
“Conservative Christian?” JESUS CHRIST…
But it’s everyone that’s part of this stupid, polarized troll society, myself included. We’re arguing about who should run our county in 2016. We’re not even worthy of having a country TO RUN in 2016 if we don’t get our fucking act together.
So that’s why I’m done with this bullshit. I GIVE UP. FUCK IT.
This isn’t a starting point for a discussion. It’s not something for you to take a hard look in the mirror after and realize that you need to change. No. This is resignation. This is I give up. I give up on us. There is no changing. That much I’m sure of. You can’t improve. You can only get worse, and more idiotic, and then fucking die. So fuck off. Don’t even bother trying to change.
Don’t even start the process, just keep talking about how all the problems in this country are the other guy’s fault.
You’ve heard of a “starter car?” Well, that’s not what this is. I’m finished. THIS IS NOT A STARTER ARTICLE. THIS IS A FINISHER ARTICLE!
And I’m finished. Fuck off, dipshits.
Freedom is dead.
It’s pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty… pretty… pretty… dead.