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There’s a lot of tension, violence, and racial disharmony in the town of Ferguson, Missouri after yesterday’s GRAND jury decision not to indict White Officer Darren Wilson in the shooting death of Young Black Man Michael Brown. Rather than create yet another belligerent op-ed piece about how the justice system is broken/blacks are inferior and violent, we thought we would invite a guest post from a group of people who can provide some rational perspective on this very polarized issue, the Gang from the hit FX show, “It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia.” Needless to say, what they sent us is not what we expected…
Dennis: No, Mac. We’re not going to do that. That’s a ridiculous request.
Mac: Why Dennis? I think it’s a perfectly legitimate request.
Dennis: What? How is a transcript of every word that we say throughout the entire day a legitimate request? What poor sap would ever agree to such a ludicrous task?
Mac: Um, Dee… what else is she good for?
Dee: What no! If you dickweeds think I’m going to just follow you around all day typing every single–
Frank: Too late, you’re doing it already.
[Frank shoves a pile of lunch meats in his mouth]
Mac: See Dee, you’re doing it already? That’s how worthless you are.
Dennis: [looking at the laptop where she is typing everything they say] Wow, Dee, this is a new low, even for you.
Dee: Wait, don’t I get a say in–
Dennis: Now, Dee if you’re done interrupting…
Frank: [talking with food crumbs flying out of his mouth] Stop interrupting!
Dennis: … we can return to the question at hand. Is Officer Darren Wilson guilty or innocent in the killing of Michael Brown? Mac I know you strongly support the actions of the dashing, young Officer Wilson. You feel–
Dee: Dashing? Dennis, what, do you got the hots for this guy or something?
Dennis: [Defensively] No, [laughing nervously] What? There’s nothing wrong with a man acknowledging the beauty of another man, Dee. It’s purely out of admiration of his masculine form and… luscious sideburns. It doesn’t mean I’m attracted to him… or that his good looks make me feel insecure…
Mac: What? What are you talking about? That’s exactly what it means.
Frank: That’s gay.
Dennis: Frank, please. Now Mac, as I was saying, you feel Officer Wilson was fully justified in discharging his firearm–
[Charlie emerges from the basement, wearing a full denim suit with an eagle sewn on the back and an American flag bandana. He is carrying a large easel with a poster covered in pictures of Darren Wilson, Michael Brown, and a lot of incomprehensible gibberish written in crayon.]
Charlie: Thats bullshit! That’s bullshit and you know it, Mac! No justice no peace! Hands up, don’t shoot! Justice for Mike Brown!
Mac: Charlie, he’s a sworn officer of the law, he has a right to defend himself. It’s in the constitution!
Charlie: AMERICA! Rock throw and eagle. Protests! Riots!
Dennis: Order! We shall have order in my court… [they are quiet] …bar. Now, Charlie, Mac, I think it would be constructive to lay out where everyone stands on this very sensitive issue.
[Dennis creates two groups of chairs, each on opposite sides of the bar.]
Dennis: On the right side, we’ll have the Darren Wilson supporters…
[Mac runs to the right side. No one follows.]
Dennis: And on the left side, all those who think that Michael Brown was unjustly killed in cold blood.
[Charlie and Frank go to that side.]
Charlie: No justice, no peace. Hands up don’t shoot.
[Mac gives Frank an accusatory look]
Mac: What the hell? You said you were gonna be on my side. Now I gotta be by myself?
Frank: Mac these protesters down there in, uh, Ferugustan– or whatever.
Mac: It’s Ferguson!
Dennis: It’s called Ferguson, Frank, Jesus.
Frank: Whatever… they need guns. I sell guns. And if I can convince all those dumb negros down there–
All: WHOA! WHOA!
Dennis: Frank, not okay…
Frank: [spitting out lunch meat as he talks] What’s the problem? It’s the proper scientific term.
Charlie: It’s definitely not, dude.
Mac: Yeah, that’s like some Don Imus, sh**, Frank.
[Frank grunts and opens a beer with his teeth]
Mac: … And I can’t believe you’re siding with Charlie!
Dennis: Mac, that’s okay. I’m on you’re side. [Dennis steps to the right.]
Charlie: Wait Dennis, you can’t pick sides and be the judge.
Dennis: Judge? I’m not the judge, Charlie. [He becomes serious and dramatic] We’re all the judge. After all, we’re all friends here. I’m sure we can reach a civilized conclusion on this issue. Isn’t that what America is all about? I’m just the humble guy who ultimately decides who’s right. That’s all.
Charlie: Oh, okay…
Frank: Wait a minute–
Dee: Ahem, um, nerd balls, aren’t you guys supposed to be talking about Ferguson? I’m already on, like, page 20 of this transcript and you haven’t even started yet.
Dennis: Page 20? Dee, how could you be on page 20?
What are you writing every word? [laughs] No one told you to do that?
[Dee starts pulling out her hair]
Dennis: Actually, you know what? Strike that. Write down every word. As long as you’re going to be here, you may as well make yourself useful. Now, back to the issue at hand, the sticky situation in Ferguson… I think we can begin by examining the key players in this case.
[Dennis holds up a photo of Darren Wilson and walks around showing it to each member of the gang.]
Dennis: First, Officer Wilson. Take a look, what do you see? Like, say maybe his athletic build, his chiseled, confident jaw-line, the taut posture of a man in uniform, his deep, blue eyes–
Mac: Dennis, what the hell are you talking about?
Charlie: This is weird, dude.
Dennis: Fine, we’ll get to the key players later. Mac, your opening statement.
Mac: Thank you, Dennis. Friends, colleagues, I think in all of the distortion by the liberal media, some facts have gotten lost. In the end, this case comes down to one simple question: does an American have a right to defend himself? It’s–
Mac: On what grounds?
Charlie: Uh… the ground of Earth… and the other planets… I call Kangaroo court. This is a kangaroo court!
Dennis: Charlie, you don’t even know what a kangaroo court is.
Dee: Do you?
Dennis: Sure, it’s uh, a court with… kangaroos. They’re very popular in Australia– you know what, shut up, Dee! Don’t try to be smart. It’s a waste of time for you.
Frank: This is a kangaroo court because Mike Brown isn’t on trial. The system is on trial…
Charlie: Yeah! Mike Brown was a victim!
Frank: …and, the only way to fix it, is to make our voices heard… with guns…
[Frank whips out a gun and starts waving it around.]
…who wants to buy a gun?
Dennis: Jesus, Frank, put that gun away.
Mac: But Charlie, its very evident that the cop is the victim here. He was simply doing his job…
Charlie: His job? He shot a man!
Frank: Yeah, he shot a negro!
Mac: Yes, his job, which is to be badass and defend the hard working Americans from the non hard working Americans.
Charlie: Whoa, whoa, whoa, dude are you saying non hard working americans as a code for black people”
Mac: No, no, no. I’m saying for ones who don’t have jobs and loot… and dont swim well.
Charlie: I don’t know dude, not swimming, thats clearly meant for black people. Dennis, I call Kangaroo court on that– or gorilla court…
Dennis: No more kangaroo courts. Guys–
Mac: No, Charlie thats on you if you think that means all black people.
Frank: Come on, who’s gonna buy my gun and go loot and riot?
Mac: Frank, who do you honestly think is going to buy a gun from you in this bar?
Frank: I don’t know. A black guy?
Charlie: Whoa, Frank, do we really want to be arming people in the wake of this, of this tragedy.
Dennis: Guys, guys, guys, you’re missing the real issue at hand here, this isn’t about who shot who, or who’s right or wrong…
Mac: Thats exactly what this is about, What other issues are going on here?!
Dennis: It’s about the appearance of the cop?
Mac: Like his skin color?
Dennis: No, no, no, his skin tone. Like I know I have a young face, but do we really think that this man is more attractive than I?
Frank: Dennis, it’s not about being attractive. It’s about looking scary like a monster… like Michael Brown… arraghhh!!
[Frank throws his hands up like a bear and spits out hoagie as he roars.]
Frank: …And buying guns!
Dennis: Frank, nobody wants your gun! They want to know if this guy, Darren Wilson, is more attractive than me.
Frank: That’s it. I quit. Get your own guns!
Charlie: Guys, guys, guys, what are we even talking about here? I mean some littel looter kid was just shot and youre talking about this. [Charlie points to the poster he made] Look ive prepared a chart of people who have been killed by cops: over half have been black!
Dennis: Charlie, that’s just a picture of Michael Brown and the words “ajhshandj fjajsndkj” written in crayon. It has no statistical meaning.
Charlie: Dennis this clearly says “Black people killed by cops”. And there he is. Michael Brown.
Mac: [confused] Where are the rest?
Mac: Where are the rest?
Charlie: There are more?
Mac: Um, yeah, dude.
Charlie: How many?
Mac: A lot. Like thousands.
[Charlie gets really outraged]
Charlie: OH MY GOD! Mac, I am filled with rage. Uncontrollable rage! The system is exploiting our people. They’re keeping us down. The Man is keeping us down, Mac.
Mac: Keeping who down?
Charlie: Black people.
Charlie: We gotta do something!
Dee: Is this going to go on much longer?
[Charlie turns angry.]
Charlie: is it going to go on much longer? Is it going to go on much longer? Dee, we need to make our voice heard. We need Justice!
Dee: Charlie, how are you going to get justice?
Charlie: I’m gonna… I’m gonna… uh. I’m gonna smash things. In rage!
[picks up a beer]
Charlie: Like this beer.
[smashes it on the ground.]
Charlie: And this chair!
[Picks up a chair and smashes it]
Mac: Charlie, why are you destroying the bar? You own this bar!
[Charlie picks up a table]
Charlie: Because I’m angry!
[Charlie smashes the table]
Dennis: Charlie stop it! Stop destroying the bar!
Charlie: Frank! Frank! Where’s that gun? I wanna buy that gun!
[Frank walks in]
Frank: A thousand bucks.
Mac: Charlie, no! Respect the rule of law! Respect my authority!
[Charlie takes the gun and fires it into the bar]
Dennis: Jesus Christ, Frank! That gun was loaded?!
Frank: Of course it’s loaded. Who’s gonna sell an unloaded gun?
[Charlie fires again. Dennis ducks.]
Mac: Charlie! Respect my authority! Respect my authority or I will be forced to use force!
[Charlie smashes a bar stool.]
Charlie: Hands up, don’t shoot! You guys have been making me do Charlie work and I’m tired of it. I’m gonna smash things. Look out, Dee. I’m gonna smash that computer!
Dee: Go ahead.
Mac: Charlie, you helped pay for that computer. Why are you going to destroy your own property?
[Charlie picks up the typewrite–