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Today is Election Day! And, for once, Republicans can go to the polls without fearing that America is going to foolishly vote for a black communist to destroy it!!
That’s because we’re all but assured a decisive victory in the Senate that will give the G.O.P. COMPLETE CONTROL of Congress– already the world’s most ineffective legislative body. And with that in hand, there’s no limit to what we can accomplish in the fight for FREEDOM, OBSTRUCTIONISM and TAKING AWAY RIGHTS FROM MINORITIES AND GAYS.
The only downside to this election is that I had 40,000 of these voter outreach posters made last month to increase GOP turnout, and now they’re all USELESS…
…Thanks, Richard Branson!!!
But enough about me. Let’s talk about the 8 key SENATE BATTLES in toss-up states that will define the 2014 midterms, or as I like to refer to them…
Battle #1: KENTUCKY — Alison Lundergan Grimes (D (left)) vs. Mitch McConnell (R (right))
RCP Average: McConnell +7.2
Race Breakdown: As Senate Minority Leader, McConnell is the highest ranking Republican in the Senate, but he’s being forced to fend off a challenge from little-known FEMIN-NAZI, champagne spokeswoman, and Kentucky Secretary of State, Lundergan Grimes. Currently McConnell holds an edge in the polls thanks to REAL AMERICA’S hatred of Obama, and a risky TV ad that depicted him getting intimate with a bloodhound. Apparently, in Kentucky, that’s the type of man-on-dog action that endears you to voters.
TM Prediction: Lundergan Grimes has very nice hair. But history teaches us that the tortoise beats the hair, and that’s what’s going to happen here.
BATTLE #2: IOWA — Bruce Braley (D (left)) vs. Joni Ernst (R (right))
RCP Average: Ernst +1.8
Race Background: Here’s a race that very well could decide the fate of the Senate. And such an important race has rightly focused on an important issue: Chickens. During the summer, one of Braley’s neighbors, Pauline Hampton, told the media that Braley threatened to sue her because some of her chickens wandered onto Braley’s FANCY VACATION PROPERTY IN IOWA (where he probably has liberal orgies and f***s the Constitution). Braley denied the claim to everyone who would listen, including the Washington Post, but his liberal lies haven’t stopped the story from becoming a centerpiece of his rival’s campaign…
…oh and also like issues and stuff. They have positions on issues. Or something.
TM Prediction: Braley’s chickens are “coming home to roost.” Ernst is going to mechanically separate him from his Senate hopes. Squawk about that, you lib scum!
BATTLE #3: ALASKA — Mark Begich (D (left)) vs. Dan Sullivan (R (right))
RCP Average: Sullivan +2.4
Race Background: I’m not going to pretend to know what’s going on all the way up in Alaska. It’s practically in Russia. I can see Russia from there– or I could, if I was ever stupid enough to go there. Frankly, based on Alaska’s proximity to Russia and it’s distance from the epicenter of freedom (Texas), I’ll just be happy if the guy they elect isn’t a Communist. I know nothing about this race… and, frankly, I don’t care. Yeah, you’re part of America, Alaska. Just keep telling yourself that.
TM Prediction: Whoever wins will be a frozen, bear-mauled corpse before the next congress takes office in January.
BATTLE #4: Colorado — Mark Udall (D (left)) vs. Cory Gardner (R (right))
RCP Average: Gardner +2.5
Race Background: Udall has made his campaign for re-election about one thing: women’s rights. He’s accused Gardner of waging a “War on Women,” claiming that he flip-flopped on the issue of birth control. And just because that happens to be true, it doesn’t make Udall’s strategy any less cynical. He’s cynically pounded Gardner over one issue, the “War on Women,” over and over and over, until he’s BLUE in the face. It’s an unprecedented strategy for political candidates– who typically use tactful, and subtle messaging (like a grey hound licking an old man’s ball sack) to make their point. Garder, for his part, is capitalizing on anti-Obama anger and a marijuana haze in typically blue Colorado with strong Conservative stances on issues like climate change to connect with the valuable insane vote.
TM Prediction: Low turnout– if there’s one thing we know about pot smokers, it’s that they don’t like to get up and do things. Low turnout favors Republicans.
BATTLE #5: Kansas — Greg Orman (I (left)) vs. Pat Roberts (R (right))
RCP Average: Orman +0.8
Race Background: Long serving Kansas Senator and man-too-boring-to-be-pictured-with-a-gun Pat Roberts had a tight grip on this race in deeply RED Kansas just a few months ago. But then the Obama Democrat dropped out of the race, leaving only the independent candidate Greg Orman to challenge Roberts. But, don’t be fooled by Orman’s ‘independent” label. Orman isn’t a hard-right CONSERVATIVE. Therefore, even though he isn’t a Democrat and has denied supporting Obama’s agenda, HE’S AN OBAMA DEMOCRAT…
TM Prediction: The only thing I believe in less than science… is polls. Don’t believe the one showing Orman ahead. Roberts will keep Kansas as red as a Redskin.
BATTLE #6: North Carolina — Kay Hagan (D (left)) vs. Thom Tillis (R (right))
RCP Average: Hagan +1.2
Race Background: In “the most expensive Senate battle in history,” costing over $100 million, the incumbent Democrat Hagan has been able to maintain a slim lead, despite Republican predictions that North Carolina would turn RED with embarrassment after electing Obama in 2008. It’s all thanks to her cynical, left-wing effort to court African American voters…
“Tonight, a group of African-American church and civil rights leaders have planned what they call a Moral Monday push to the polls rally in Greensboro.
David Allen is with the Beloved Community Center and is helping organize the event. Allen wears a T-shirt that says I’m young, I’m black, and I vote.
DAVID ALLEN: We’re pretty energized. You can see it in the early voting numbers. And the shifts that we’ve seen from 2010 to now and the trends that we’re seeing that folks are energized and ready to have their voices heard.”
Hagan apparently didn’t get the memo that the way to win elections is to suppress the African American vote, not mobilize it.
But Tillis isn’t giving up, running a hard hitting, issues-oriented ad attacking the unusual pronunciation of Hagan’s name…
TM Prediction: Liberals may look at a 1 point lead for Hagan in polls as a sign that she is leading the race. Patriots look at it and see Thom Tillis only one point behind, to which I say “CLOSE ENOUGH.” Also, as I’ve said many times, I don’t believe in polls. I think they’re bulls***. Tillis wins.
7. LOUISIANA — Mary Landrieu (D) vs. Bill Cassidy (R) vs. Rob Manness
8. GEORGIA — Michelle Nunn (D) vs. David Perdue (R) vs. Amanda Swafford (L)
Races Background: These two states have an idiotic “open primary” system where if no candidate gets more than 50% of the vote, the race goes to a two way runoff in December or January… which is f***ing a**inine. These races will not be given a detailed backgrounder because they are in states with stupid election systems and stupid people.
TM Prediction: These states f*** up everything… just like Obama planned it.
Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s take a look at what the TruthMissiles.com Doppler 12,000 2014 Midterm Map looks like, when we factor in my latest predictions…
For comparison, here’s what the fools at RCP are predicting with their fancy math and computers…