JESUS CRIST! RICK SCOTT BLOWS AWAY OWN CAMPAIGN WITH ‘FANGATE’

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FLORIDA.

MOTHER. F***ING. FLORIDA.

Republican Hero and Voldemort stunt-double Rick Scott had a healthy lead in the race to remain governor of America’s worst “state” heading into Wednesday night’s debate at Meth Swamp State University in Davie, FL. Even the liberally-biased “polling” showed the incumbent Scott tied 40-40 with challenger and human-burnt-toast Charlie Crist, meaning that in a FAIR AND BALANCED world, Scott had a huge lead.

Charlie Crist, of course, is the former Republican governor of Florida, now running as a Democrat, because in Florida, there are only 3 jobs: stripper, Republican governor, and Democratic Governor. And stripper was taken. But I digress.

And RICK SCOTT BLEW IT.

Literally, all of it was BLOWN AWAY. By a FAN

“It got off to a bizarre start as only Crist took the stage with the broadcast already live. The moderator announced Scott would not come out due to a disagreement over the fan at Crist’s feet.”

I can’t explain it. You just have to watch it.

Really Rick Scott? You think that refusing to debate your opponent over his use of A FAN is going to help you win voters. You think it looks good to refuse to take the stage because of the presence of a SMALL APPLIANCE?

Now you have to answer for “FANGATE”.

This is the biggest campaign gaffe since Richard Nixon refused to debate JFK because he was keeping cold cuts in a fridge under his podium.

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“Pardon me, Dick. I’m just going to make a sandwich.” -JFK

Even worse, Scott’s explanation for why he didn’t take the stage left my brain feeling like it had been tied up like a pretzel. Watch:

Hey Rick, here’s a clue. If the other guy is on stage for six minutes, HE SHOWED UP TO THE DEBATE!!!

I’m a CONSERVATIVE, through and through. But I’m really getting upset at this Rick Scott character.

Who would have thought it would be so hard to like a guy that looks like this?

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Usually, Republicans are right about every issue, from whether of not science is real, to which Muslim countries we should bomb. But apparently, in Florida, everything is the opposite. So if you’re a Republican there, that means you’re a jackass.

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And, I guess if you’re a Democrat there, that means you fell asleep too close to a toxic waste dump and woke up looking like a creepy, retirement home version of Storm from the X-Men.

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Either way, after watching Rick Scott do the impossible and make Republicans look stupid, TRUTHMISSILES.COM can no longer support his reelection bid.

Instead, we are giving our endorsement to the most qualified candidate on the stage Wednesday night:

The Fan.

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Furthermore, we are launching a new ballot initiative called “CUT FLORIDA LOOSE: IT’S TIME FOR AMERICA TO GET RID OF ITS WRINKLY OLD BALL SACK.” It will force Florida to secede from the union, thereby making life better for all of us.

A vasectomy for the country, if you will.

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If there’s one thing we’ve learned from this episode, it’s that even the REPUBLICANS in Florida aren’t worth a sack of meth.

And also, that apparently in Florida when someone gives you rules, you just write your own rules on top of those rules…

And that the fan is… kind of a dick…

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2 comments

  1. Pingback: NFL WEEK 9: REAGANS AND OBAMAS | TRUTHMISSILES
  2. Pingback: HEY FLORIDA, DON’T TOUCH THOSE ARMADILLOS… BECAUSE THEY HAVE LEPROSY | TruthMissiles.com

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