We’re six weeks into the NFL season. Six. That’s 1/3 of the devil’s number.

Coincidence that BARACK also contains SIX letters?

And so does OBAMAA.


“Yes. I am the Devil. That’s why I believe in Devil-ution.” – Barack Obama


1. THE RONALD REAGAN AWARD (for outstanding job performance) —

Winner: Joseph Flacco, quarterback, Baltimore Wife-Bashers

Joe Flacco is usually derided as a dull, boring, and manilla envelope-y football player. According to my assumptions, his hobbies are driving his Toyota Camry, doing laundry, and watching paint dry. When he orders a Double Down from KFC he tells them to hold the bacon. He’s registered as an independent. He thinks Ann Coulter is okay, but not great.


But on Sunday, against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, he went from boring to… well, slightly less boring thanks to some adequate quarterbacking:

“Flacco threw for five touchdowns – all in the first 16:03 of the game – en route to a 48-17 romp.”

And after the game, he looked as pumped up as ever about his outstanding performance, displaying pure jubilation in a way that ONLY HE CAN…


“Yeah. Five touchdowns is pretty good. Pretty gosh-darn good.”  – Joe Flacco

Ray Rice had a different reaction…


“Dayummm Flacco! You beat up the Bucs worse than I beat my wife!” – Ray Rice

2. THE OBAMA AWARD (for sucking at your job) —

Winner: a TIE between the Carolina Panthers and the Cincinnati Bengals

Any time I have to use the word SOCCER in print, it pains my soul (also, using the word TIE), which is one of the many reasons these two “teams” get this award. Let me explain.

A few months back Ann Coulter (whose name I never get tired of typing) wrote a THOUGHTFUL and NUANCED journalistic piece about the EVILS of SOC–, of the sport where grown men kick a ball.

She opined

“If more “Americans” are watching soccer today, it’s only because of the demographic switch effected by Teddy Kennedy’s 1965 immigration law. I promise you: No American whose great-grandfather was born here is watching soccer. One can only hope that, in addition to learning English, these new Americans will drop their soccer fetish with time.”

Well said.

Unfortunately, it looks like the Panthers and the Bengals didn’t get the message that they were playing FOOTBALL today, not FUTBOL.

They played to a boring, meaningless, unwatchable, 37-37 TIE.

Panthers QB Cam Newton put the crowd to sleep with snooze-inducing 284 yards passing, and ran for 107 tedious yards, the second time in NFL history a QB has bored the crowd with more than 280 yards passing and over 100 yards rushing.


On the Bengals side of the ball, Running Back Gio Bernard kept the crowd unimpressed with a dull, uneventful 89-yard touchdown run.


YAWN. What time is Brooklyn Nine-Nine on?

The way that this game was played even resembled soc-*gag**hack*. It all came down to a kick. BORING.

The Bengals could have won the game in overtime if Kicker Mike Nugent could kick a 36-yard field goal. But, guess what? Yup, he missed, proving once and for all that KICKING THINGS IS STUPID.

Screen Shot 2014-10-12 at 10.50.56 PM

Nice job, Bengals and Panthers. You’ve once again proven Ann Coulter and I right. Every sport that ends in a TIE is boring and horrible no matter what actually happens on the field. All that matters is what the numbers on the scoreboard are.

Thanks for ruining football.

3. THE JOE NAMATH AWARD (for saving football) —

Winner: Aaron Rodgers, QB, Green Bay Packers

One game ended in a tie.

Football was ruined.

Then it wasn’t.

Another game ended in a win/loss.

(And if you’re saying that these things didn’t actually happen in this order, F*** YOU. I DVR my games.)

The Dolphins and Packers were locked in a 17-17 TIE.

Screen Shot 2014-10-12 at 10.57.57 PM

But then one team scored.

Screen Shot 2014-10-12 at 11.01.41 PM

Then the other team scored…

Screen Shot 2014-10-12 at 10.58.20 PM

…and the game ended in a NOT A TIE.

That’s how it’s done.

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