BIG SODA CAVES TO HEALTH NAZIS

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Merry Christmas, libs. The GREAT SODA WAR is over.

This communique just came in from Progressive Central Command, The New York Times…

“The three largest soda companies — Coca-Cola, PepsiCo and the Dr Pepper Snapple Group — have pledged to cut the number of sugary drink calories that Americans consume by one-fifth in about a decade, through a combination of marketing, distribution and packaging.”

AKA no more of these…

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Or these…

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After years of courageously battling NANNY BLOOMBERG and FUHRER OBAMA’s attempts to strip away their liquid freedom, AMERICA’s soda companies have given up.

Like a sugar-addicted diabetic tipping over on an electric mobility scooter, they’ve surrendered to health.

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Sheeple, this is all just part of the massive liberal conspiracy to weaken AMERICANS by taking away our main source of energy: SUGAR.

SUGAR built the Empire State Building.

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SUGAR built the Golden Gate Bridge.

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SUGAR built PIZZA HUT-TACO BELL!

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Oh, sure they’ll tell you these huge, unwieldy jugs of soft-drink are unhealthy.

But, ask yourself, DOES THIS LOOK UNHEALTHY?

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Does THIS look unhealthy?

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Guess what LEMMINGS! AL GORE DOESN’T THINK SO!

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My how the mighty (soda companies) have fallen. And who was the mastermind behind this fatal blow to freedom?

None other than the former hypocrite in chief, WILLIAM HUSSIEN CLINTON!

“The commitment, made Tuesday at the 10th annual Clinton Global Initiative, taking place this week in New York…”

“Clinton,” “Global,” “New York”? Those words are making a vein pop out of my head.

Let’s see if it can burst…

“When I was in my freshman year in college trying to live on a dollar a day, I drank at least one and sometimes two 16-ounce bottles of Royal Crown Cola a day because they cost 15 cents,” he said.

But after a heart operation in 2004, Mr. Clinton radically altered his diet.”

Oh, so YOU get to be a fat a** but regular AMERICANS don’t?

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Oh, boo hoo. I feel sooooo bad for your heart.

Why don’t you man up and get a robotic heart like Dick Cheney?

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Then you won’t have to DESTROY FREEDOM by taking away our RIGHT to be MORBIDLY OBESE!!!

In the meantime, let’s fill ‘er up, AMERICA, while we still CAN.

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