It’s three weeks into the NFL season, which means I’m either fanatically over-confident, like GOP Midterm watchers, in my 3-0 team’s performance or gradually beginning to lose interest, like President Obama, in my sub-undefeated team’s non-perfection.
Either way, nothing cheers me up like TRUTHMISSLES.COM’s weekly rundown of the most REAGAN-LIKE (best) and OBAMA-LIKE (worst) performances of week three in the “ALL-TRUTH TEAM”:
1. THE OBAMA AWARD (for sucking)
Winner: JIMMY JOHNSON, NFL on Fox pre-game “analyst”
Jimmy Johnson is well known for his confusing and non-sensical BONER PILL ADS, but he’s also a former football coach, and apparently, an “expert” on football.
Despite suspicions, no-one has ever found any quantifiable evidence to the contrary… until this week.
In his weekly pre-game picks this season, JJ has racked up an astonishing 0-5 record (if you don’t count his correct pick of the Seahawks today). Now, that would be hard to believe for a know-nothing TV clown like Michael Strahan, but for a respected NFL coach, well, it’s DOWNRIGHT OBAMA-LIKE.
#HoustonTexans We were doomed when Jimmy Johnson picked us to win…
— Mike Velez (@macsteele13) September 21, 2014
Giants 30, Texans 17: Giants Stabilize Season, Cruising Past Texans http://t.co/WnhtHWBGip
— The New York Times (@nytimes) September 21, 2014
I could probably find a LEFT-WING FEMINIST LOONEY like Hillary Clinton who could make better picks than that.
“Hi I’m future failed presidential candidate Hillary Clinton. I think WOMEN should play QUARTERBACK because I have a small brain. This week, I’ll take the Jaguars and the Raiders. Also, I think WOMEN can grow FACIAL HAIR and have penises because equality.” – Hillary Clinton
Or, I could literally flip a coin for my picks.
When a coin can do your job better than you, it might be time for a career change.
I’M LOOKING AT YOU OBAMA!
2. THE OBAMA’S POLL NUMBERS AWARD (for falling)
Winner: PEYON MANNING, Papa John’s Pizza spokesman
Manning makes a living selling low quality Pizzas, but on Sundays he’s also apparently a heck of a quarterback.
Except, for one moment of epic, Joe Biden-esque gaffery in the fourth quarter of Sunday’s battle between the Seahawks and the Broncos.
Manning took the snap, dropped back, and looked for a handoff to his running back, but instead gave us a visual interpretation of a Vice President of the United States shouting the word “Shylock”…
Instead of handing off, he appeared to forget how to walk, trip over his own feet, and fall flat on his face in a comical, almost toddler-like fashion.
It’s not surprising given Manning’s diet of Papa John’s Pizza and white bread, but it confirms an unfortunate stereotype about the SUPERIOR WHITE RACE. We’re as un-athletic as a tree-stump.
3. THE RALPH NADER AWARD (for putting in a lot of work despite having no real chance of winning)
Winner: KIRK COUSINS, WASHINGTON REDSKINS (which is a term of honor, not a slur) QUARTERBACK
Cousins, in an appearance replacing RGIII, threw for an eye-exploding 427 yards and 3 touchdowns against the Eagles on Sunday at Lincoln Financial Field– the first time that’s been done in 23 years…
…and he lost.
He lost because the LIBERAL MEDIA and the PROGRESSIVE ELITES wanted him to lose. They couldn’t handle the REDSKINS winning, because their lib-o-critical philosophy tells them that the term is a RACIAL SLUR. They couldn’t handle the REDSKINS winning because they have a WHITE QUARTERBACK replacing a black quarterback.
It’s all a conspiracy, Sheeple.
It’s all because his highness, DER FUHRER OBAMA is an Eagles fan.