All across America children are rising up and throwing off the chains of fruits, vegetables, and whole grains.
They’re ringing the lunch bells of freedom against Michelle-O’s oppressive school lunch police.
They’re hungry as hell. And they’re not going to take it anymore.
From some news outlet I won’t bother to read the name of…
“The USDA says about 150 districts have dropped out of the program since the rules went into effect… A school in Utah was fined over $15,000 when the school was caught [smuggling] sacks and carbonated drinks.”
And from this credible website…
“Federal school lunch regulations are driving students from the lunch line and even causing some to just throw their lunch in the garbage.”
In this wasteland of essential vitamins and minerals, the stars of capitalism are shining brightly, like stars, and defending freedom, like freedom’s defenders.
None shine brighter than Italian eatery Olive Garden. Or as it’s known in Italy, “Please-a Stop-a Calling-a You-self an Italian Restaurant”.
For it is in this temple of PASTA, SALAD, and BREADSTICKS that legends are born. Legends like the new “Never Ending Pasta Pass” or as I call it, the “Italian McRib”….because the idea is THAT GOOD… and for a limited time only.
Here’s how it works…
“Olive Garden is about to try a pretty outlandish gimmick to lure folks in the door: pasta up the wazoo.”
Mama Mia! Every child PATRIOT’S dream. But wait, there’s more: details!
“…its first-ever “Never Ending Pasta Pass” — which, for $100, gives the holder the right to consume all of the pasta, salad, bread and Coca-Cola branded soft drinks that they can stuff down for seven weeks.
Yes, while President HUSSEIN OBAMA, HAIRY REID, and the DUMBO-CRATS are busy taking away rights. Olive Garden is giving Americans rights that we didn’t even know we had.
Namely, the right to seven weeks of never ending pasta, followed by a lifetime of never ending diabetes, heart disease, and high-cholesterol.
“NOTHING SAYS ‘FREEDOM’ LIKE HAVING THE DIE-A-BEETUS.”
– Wilford Brimley (or I possibly made it up)
It’s like the FOUNDERS envisioned when they wrote the constitution nearly 1,000 years ago.
As Patrick Henry said…
“Give me liberty, or give me seven weeks of pasta!”
– July, 1775, speech at the East Bruswick, NJ Olive Garden
Two hundred years later, we’re finally getting the freedom they fought for.
Kids will no longer be shackled by their healthy lunchroom options like KALE and TREE BARK.
They’ll be able to cut class and gorge themselves on pasta, bread, but still probably not salad– and, the main course at Olive Garden, salt.
Plus other AMERICAN PEOPLE (corporations) are joining the battle on the side of LIBERTY and SATURATED FATS…
“In July, TGI Friday’s rolled out an “Endless Appetizers” promotion that let folks chow down all the appetizers they wanted for $10. Red Lobster, the former sister company to Olive Garden, is in the midst of its “Endless Shrimp” fest, which fetches about $15.99, depending on location. And Outback currently has a $15.99 Steak and Unlimited Shrimp promo.”
It’s a proud day for FREEDOM, LIBERTY, PATRIOTISM, and PEOPLE WHO HATE VEGETABLES.
Our children are finally free to graze, gulp, and gorge on AMERICA’S BOUNTIFUL HARVEST of DANGEROUSLY UNHEALTHY cuisine.
…or at least 1,000 of them are, because that’s how many passes Olive Garden is selling.
Update: Olive Garden says 1,000 Never Ending Pasta Passes sold out within 45 minutes.
Damn, America. How f***ing hungry are you?