White Do Crack: The Legend Of Rob Ford

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Once in a great while, a visionary American comes along with a message so profound that it fundamentally transforms our definition of conservatism. Whether it was Reagan with his compassion, or W. Bush with his staggering intelligence, these leaders come along but once in a generation.

Although this generation seemingly got screwed. Where was our savior? Mitt F***ing Romney? I don’t think so.

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But now, at last, we have found the American hero we’ve been waiting for. It took a while because he’s not, strictly speaking, American.

That hero, I believe, is Rob Ford, the crack-smoking mayor of Toronto, Canada.

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Rob Ford is playing chess. He’s a thinker. He’s a planner. He sees the future.

You SHEEPLE thought Rob Ford was mindlessly smoking crack, driving drunk and threatening to murder people. He was actually performing the greatest VOTER OUTREACH initiative in the history of Conservatism.

Just take a second to let that hit you.

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Ok that’s enough.

While AMERICA’S conservatives were in their Ivory Towers trying to win over the black vote with shambolic, transparent moves like running Herman “Aw Shucky Ducky” Cain for president, talking about a “War on Whites,” and gutting the Voting Rights Act, Rob Ford WENT TO THE CRACK HOUSE…

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… and HE SMOKED THAT CRACK!

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… and then HE SMOKED A LOT MORE CRACK…

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…then HE THREATENED TO KILL SOMEONE…

…then he played sports…

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…BEAT UP A WOMAN…

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…joked about driving drunk…

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…lost his phone IN A CRACKHOUSE

“…the mayor had been “smoking his rocks” that day at 15 Windsor Rd. It was from that alleged crack house that police believe Ford’s phone was stolen.”

…did THIS…

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…TWICE…

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…signed some personalized bobbleheads…

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…became a RASTAFARIAN in a Tim Hortons fast food restaurant…

…and, finally, topped it off by eating some delicious PUSSY… maybe?

The point is, he not only REACHED OUT to BLACK VOTERS, he showed them he was just like them. He did what the average black person does. Or, at least, what I’ve come to believe black people do, based on living my whole life locked inside my ivory tower.

It’s a nice tower. You should come visit. We can listen to Jack Johnson. If you don’t like Jack Johnson, please don’t come and just stay in the “hood”.

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And all of Rob Ford’s outreach is paying off. He’s still doing well in the polls, despite all of that insane sh** he did! I don’t believe in polls unless they agree with me, but clearly, he’s won over Toronto’s African-Canadians. And this crazy crack-eyed optimist is going to get reelected.

If that happens, he might as well just declare himself the CRACKHEAD KING OF TORONTO and change the Canadian flag from a maple leaf to a crack pipe.

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But Ford’s not cynically focusing only on African-Canadians. He’s also gone after other key demographics: Nyan Cat lovers and Camera repair men.

First he took a ride in this…

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…then he gave someone an opportunity to repair this…

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With all these combined demographics, Rob Ford can’t lose. And Toronto’s lucky citizens are in for many more years of great CONSERVATIVE LEADERSHIP.

Maybe America’s underachieving Republicans (WHO CAN’T EVEN WIN THE SENATE!! REALLY? THE F***ING SENATE GUYS? JESUS…) could learn a thing or two about success from Canada’s brightest conservative star… ROB FORD.

Take a moment and soak up his enthusiasm for freedom… or maybe he’s just high…

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