AMERICA IS DEAD.

OUR FREEDOM IS DEAD.

OUR LIBERTY IS DEAD.

AND STALIN IS F***ING OUR CORPSE.

WHILE HITLER JACKS OFF.

Apple pie, the symbol of our freedom, has been tainted by scandal…

“Kentucky State Fair officials are investigating whether a store-bought crust was used to create this year’s prize-winning buttermilk pie.”

That’s right. APPLE PIE. Somebody used a store bought crust to make a prize-winning APPLE PIE!

The liberal, cheat first, ask questions later culture of laziness, promiscuity, and store-bought deserts has finally infected the last bastion of Conservative, evil-ution fearing America: The Kentucky State Fair.

The Kentucky State Fair was our last hope.

So have one last look at the sun and seal off the bunkers. Dark times are ahead.

And who do we have to thank?

Obama, of course.

But also, freedom-hater Linda Horton, a 67 year-old factory worker from Valley Station, Kentucky (who is also, rumored by anonymous sources to be a closet Communist).

 

(VISUAL APPROXIMATION of LINDA HORTON)

She sold America out to a pudgy, little doughboy…

“A Pillsbury-brand pie crust “is so buttery,” she said.”

But perhaps the most disturbing part of the story isn’t Linda Horton’s traitorous act of selling out America for a blue ribbon. (Coincidence that BLUE is also the color of the other people selling America out: Democrats?)

No, the most disturbing part of the report is that it confirms my long held suspicions about the secret government agency tasked with nanny-stating America’s desert choices. Read on…

“Other contestants and fair attendees complained, and now the pie police are on the case.”

Yes, for those of you SHEEPLE out there who thought following Michelle O’s healthy eating manifesto was going to be voluntary, THINK AGAIN. The PIE POLICE are out there. And they’re coming for you next…

 

And, in a Truthmissles.com exclusive, it appears that even pie juggernaut Pillsbury is in on this massive conspiracy.

Pillsbury is owned by foodstuff conglomerate, and highest-ranking officer in the cereal aisle, General Mills. And take a look at the first line of General Mills’s new mission statement (I’m assuming it’s new because I’ve never read it before)…

“Our mission is to make lives healthier…”

What the HELL kind of mission statement is that for a company that makes PIES?

It can only mean one thing. General Mills, Traitor Linda Horton, and First Lady Michelle-O have joined forces and begun to implement their Pie-less New World Order.

So eat up America, because it’s about to get healthy. Really, uncomfortably, horrifyingly healthy.

 

UPDATE: 11:53 p.m.

An attentive reader of Truthmissles.com (I’m guessing the NSA) has brought it to my attention that Traitorous Wench Linda Horton of Valley Station, Kentucky was actually making buttermilk pie, NOT APPLE PIE.

This, however, changes nothing about the indisputable FACTUAL CONTENT contained in this important report.